A Mother's Song

I had to turn this in for a grade in English, and it had to be in strict meter, rhyme, and contain several metaphors, similies, and ellisions. I chose to write a Spenserian Stanza, which is eight lines of iambic pentameter, followed by one alexandrine (iambic line with 12 syllables); all of it had to rhyme, as well. I enjoyed writing this, because I had to think carefully about every word and every thought. In truth, it took over an hour for me to write, not because of writer's block, but simply because of the multiple restraints. So, I don't mind if you hate this, but I sincerely hope you don't. It was a lot of work for 74 words.

A Mother's Song

Her hand rests softly like the whitest pearl,
A gentle gem pulled out of raging seas.
While sleeping, she’s the marble newborn girl:
The marv’lous infant dreaming marv’lous dreams.

By day, her eyes of glass are searching beams
That give off light and always yearn to shine
With joy that all may come to her and see
The innocence of youth, so fair and fine.

She is a darling daughter, and is always mine.

I thought your poem was lovely but:

[quote="elephantwalrus]A Mother's Song

Her hand rests softly like the whitest pearl,
A gentle gem pulled out of raging seas.
While sleeping, she’s the marble newborn girl:
The marv’lous infant dreaming marv’lous [color =red]Try to refrain from repeating words.[/color] dreams.

By day, her eyes of glass are searching beams
That give off light and always yearn to shine
With joy that all may come to her and see
The innocence of youth, so fair and fine.

She is a darling daughter, and is always mine.[/quote]

Ach I loved this. Seriously, even without your explanation it's clear you took time and a lot of effort to perfect this. The theme is strong throughout and the meter is spot on. I even reminds me of Plath's 'Morning song' because it's so gently beautiful. This is my favourite line:

The marv’lous infant dreaming marv’lous dreams.

Sorry if this didn't help much, just wanted to tell you that I liked it!

Eimear xx

One thing you might want to think about is a little mistake I made while reading. When you said "marble newborn girl" I totally thought the baby was dead. It was heart-wrenching, which I suppose is good because you made me feel something, but then I got further and I realized that the baby is most definitely not dead and I realized my mistake. Maybe I'm just an idiot, but it's something to think about.

Over all, though, I am impressed with the beauty of your work. Lovely.

Wow, I thought this was really good. My sister just had a little baby girl, Alexia Valeria, and I showed her this. She was moved to tears. I hope you realize the effect this has on mothers! She even asked me to send it to her so she could type it up all pretty and frame it!

It was truly beautiful.

~Lilianna Reagan~