Being Bullied

We have all, I'm sure felt bullied at some point. This is just a little poem, which tries to communicate some of the thoughts of feelings that one might have in such situations. Please no "emo" comments


Wicked thoughts well up inside,
petty comebacks, cold and snide.

If you can't say something nice,
then don't speak at all.
Visions of driving your face,
through and through the wall.

I should bite my tongue 'till i loose all taste.
The lower caste should know their place.

For i am yours to despise,
less than human in your eyes.
I am the one that you chastise.

But i make an oath,
my inner decree.
I'll pop a glock,
before you bully me.

Hello, kris!

It flowed well in the beginning, but in the second stanza the rhythm broke somehow.

I should bite my tongue 'till i loose all taste.

I believe it's either till or 'til. Unless you use the whole word "until". Remembet to capitalize the second I, and "lose" is spelt with only one O. "Loose" is a different word.

For i am yours to despise,

But i make an oath,

Remember to capitalize the I.

The last stanza was too empty, especially the last two lines. I don't think you should use the word "bully" in a poem that's about bullying, if you really want to show it. May sound crazy, I know, but that's my opinion. I love the self-irony of this bit, the bitterness you express in the third and the fourth stanza. I love self-irony.


See you around,
Demeter xxx

The fact that you are in serious need of 'showing' and uses more poetic devices aside, I really liked this. Maybe I'm in a weird mood, but I absolutely loved the rhyme scheme. Alright it took you a while to warm into it in the first stanza, probably because it was awkward for you to start with the message you wanted to bring across and get it to fit into a pattern, but some of it impressed me, I loved this:

For i am yours to despise,

less than human in your eyes.

I am the one that you chastise.

Of course, I would be a looper not to pull you up about the lack of capitalisation in your 'I's. Big mistake in poetry, so try and get out of the way of doing it because it's a sign of an amateur. And I know you're not an amateur. You could also try and use a bit more imagery, make more comments, draw parallels and think outside the box to really hammer the message home. I think that's why D found it a bit 'empty' and this, is not an empty topic.

And if you don't mind me asking, what's a 'glock?'

Oh, and also- change the title. Just, change it if you can. Use a metaphor for being bullied because it brings down the tone of the poem.

Best wishes,

Eimear

Hey there!

First thing: don't preface your poem unless it is absolutely necessary. It spoonfeeds the audience yoru intentions; never a good thing. Let the language reveal itself.

I agree with Demeter that the last stanza is somewhat empty and lacks the passion you had in the first couple.

Don't use "nice" in the second stanza; think of something more original to say. Perhaps as an example:

If you can't remove any trace
of your evil, don't speak at all.
Visions of driving through your face (this needs a subject)
echo around and around the walls.

Please punctuate the 'i' in the third stanza!

Your imagery was excellent in places; I also love the bitterness of the last two lines. An ending like that is what all poets strive for, and you managed it very well.

Good work; well done!

Gahks



8/10

For the most part, I agree with the people who have posted before me. I wanted to compliment you on your rhyme; it sets a good tone, and it doesn't seem particularly forced anywhere.

I liked all the lines of the poem, except for this one:

I am the one that you chastise.

It seemed to be pushing the stanza a bit too far.

Other than that, I thought that this was a really original idea, and that it was well executed. Good job!

River

This poem of your seems to better than the other ones I read and I can relate to it. You should probably capiltilize the I's though.