How Can Anyone Love A Jerk? (Part one)

When I walked into school that day I had no idea as to what was about to befall my already stressed and childish young teen mind. See, I have never had the best luck with guys. I mean, in fourth grade Samuel Richards was practically obsessed with me. Perhaps the only problem with that was the fact that I thought boys were covered in cooties and lice. I didn't want anything to do with them, and I shunned the very thought of dealing with my brother's and step-dad's remarks of my feelings toward boys.

As I grew to feel butterflies for a particular guy in fifth grade, the feeling of disgust slowly dissolved away. He was, in my opinion, cute, nice, and sweet, yet a little rebellious. I enjoyed his company, and the best part was that he liked me back. He had no idea that I liked him, but I knew he liked me. I knew it very well. I asked him why once. His reply was, "'Cause your pretty and nice and funny." His voice was so cute and childish...

One day, Madilyne and I were in gym when she asked me if I had a crush on anyone. Since I tend not to lie unless under extreme circumstances I simply replied, "Yeah." She stopped and smiled. "Who?" I was a little unsure of whether or not to tell her, but I spilled. What harm could it do? He already liked me anyway....

"No Way! You know He really likes you! Can I tell him?"

"No! No way!"

"Please?"

"Well, OK. I guess so."

"Yay!"

The next day, in gym, she approached me once again.

Alan wants to know if you will date him."

"Um..."

I didn't know what to say. I liked him, but I wasn't ready for a boyfriend. I had wished all year for this, but for some reason I was unable to bring myself to answer yes or no.

"Tell him I want to talk to him."

"No! Yes or no? Just answer me."

"I don't know. I need to talk to him."

"Yes or no?"

"Um... No. No, I'm sorry. I like him but no...." I felt utterly ashamed knowing that I had probably broken his heart as well as my own. No one has really tried to ask me out since.

Looking back on it makes me realize what a stupid little fifth grader I was.

-----

3 years later in the middle of 8th grade...


When Madilyne stopped me in the lunchroom, I was perhaps astonished by the news she brought. My heart fluttered but all I did was blush and say, "Really?"

"Yes! He said he thinks your cute and nice!"

"No, not me.... He can't be talking about me."

"Would I lie to you?"

"I suppose not..."

"Well, he's thinking about asking you out, but he wants to know what you think of him."

'Asking you out'.... A boy wants to date me? It couldn't be.

"Um mm... I don't know... He's kind of mean, but....I don't really know him.... maybe.... I don't know..."

"He really likes you."

"OK, well.... maybe I'll give him a chance."

"Great! I'll tell him!"

As she ran off to tell him the news, I couldn't believe what had just happened. It was such a shock to me that a loud outgoing popular boy wanted anything to do with me; the quiet, reserved future veterinarian. Although I knew the risks of dating a guy like that, I forgot about them. I just was so enveloped in the idea of actually having a boyfriend.

-----

It was a Tuesday when he finally got the guts to actually ask me out. But still, he didn't exactly say it to my face. He sent adversaries. Madilyne and Julianne ran up from behind and blocked my path, white teeth gleaming in their giant smiles. Madilyne talks first.

"Will you go out with Ryan?"

"I.... um...."

This time, Julianne speaks.

"Come on! Will you?"

I glanced over my shoulder, back down the hall. I caught his eyes. They were wide with what seemed to be possible horror and anticipation.

"Tell him.... Yes." I chuckled for some odd reason. "Yes."

The two squealed, running down the hall practically screaming, "She said YES!!!! Ryan! She said YES!!!!!!!!!!!!" I looked back to see an enormous smile on his normal face. His braces and short hair made him not the cutest boy, but he was decent. He was the best I'd ever have.

-----

The whole night, as I lay in bed, I ran the thought through my head over and over again. Ryan and Larein; Larein and Ryan. R + L; L + R. The thought kept me smiling as I drifted off into a deep sleep....

That day was the beginning of something big. Something unpredictable. Something irreplaceable.

I never expected it to turn into something so uncomfortable and life changing in my teen years...

Well, first of all let me say, it was okay. I just think this is a typical teen romance. This first chapter didn't really capture my attention. Try some other starters rather than having girl-likes-boy-doesn't-get-him-but-gets-someone-else type thing. Maybe start it off where the girl talks about her life and gives a more indept description of surroundings and herself.

There was a few spelling problems in this. Veterinarean is spelled veterinarian.

In this chapter, you can almost expect what is going to happen. The girl looks down on herself but this boy thinks she is pretty. Try to make it more interesting...

When Madilyne charged me in the lunchroom, I was perhaps knocked off of my feet with the news she brought.

Perhaps shouldn't be there.

This needs some work. I think it has great potential just fix the mistakes here and there. I encourage you to keep writing because how else do we learn?

Becca

Woo! Yay Bri! I love your first story! That is awesome for your first time! I can't believe that you did that! Wow! Are you sure you want to persue singing and acting more than this, because you're basically as good as most of the writers on here! I really like this; you have to continue this story! 0(o.o)0

It didn't grab me.

You should carry on writing it because i do actually want to find out what happens.

Only because of the title though, not because of the writing.

Make it a bit more captivating, and a few more clues please.

Well Donee x

The main problem with this plot (and it happens in a lot in romance fiction) is that the plot is cliche. Sometimes a writer can deal with cliche, just to get story-telling practice in. That's what I do.

In your case, I wouldn't say that the direction where the plot is heading is substantial enough to make an enticing story. So, maybe make this conflict a subplot. Maybe in reality, the boy is an alien who abducts her and runs tests on her, but then finds out she's a clone, then goes to find the real girl, leaving her aboard a spaceship locked in a room. So, she's crying her eyes out because she's a clone, but then, the power goes out and she must fight for her life to...you catch my drift. You can keep the cliche awkward middle school romance; just add something more interesting to it.

Then again, that's just my suggestion. I don't see a problem with keeping your current plot as the main plot and just practice your story telling; that way, when you get a really spectacular plot idea, you can write it and your skills will be polished. PM me if you have any questions! And keep writing!

River

I thought it was okay not the best I've seen though. It needs more detail and emotion. Plus, what's the point of this? I think it would be better if it made us feel something. You should go back and add emotion and detail.

Yes, I'm an evil little thing, lol Jk.

Plus, you said have when it should be having.

Wow. I mean, wow. I really need to read the next part. Seriously. this was awesome. Very good use of description.

this part didn't grab at me. your sure make to where it grabs at your reader and making them want to read it. I do think you shoud continue it. it sounds good so far. just touch it up a bit, so ift grabs the reader's attention.

In my honest opinion, I felt this was way too dialogue dependant. It starts off cute, but after a while the "cram the story full of dialogue and keep description to a minimum" wore me out. Perhaps try and mingle some emotions in between, as well as some actions, rather than just the dialogue.

And yes, as everyone has been stating, the plot is cliche and doesn't exactly jump out and grab the reader, but I have faith! Maybe you should break the ice and command people's attention with a bizarre prologue?

A teeny, helpless critique, I know, but I felt it had to be said.

Okay, so I have to agree with some of the others, that is was a bit... well, it wasn't exactly riveting. It was sweet but not particularly imaginative and, as elephantwalrus mentioned, was mostly all dialogue, and the dialogue at that was predictable.
The biggest obstacle I see for you is that there are so many stories like yours. You really have to have a quirk or something different to stand out from everyone else. Otherwise you're sure to fall into a bandwagon of other people who tried the same thing and the audience got bored.
My final problem with this is that they're in eighth grade! Now, if eighth grade is the same as year eight in Britain, that means the MC's twelve or thirteen tops. I find it really hard to have faith in any romance at so young an age. I know you're probably thinking, 'But I'm only fourteen!' But I'm in the same boat. I'm only fifteen but I write about people who are older. It often works out for the realism at least.
Then again, if you are aiming for a lightweight romance, a sort of fluffy thing that Lindsay Lohan could star in an adaption of, then I don't know... perhaps the age is fine.
Hope I haven't depressed you! I just think you should aim bigger, is all, and work on the description (no more lapsing into dialogue).
Happy writing!


L

This was decent.

It was little-kid cute. Adorable, I guess, would be a better word. I do think you do a lot of telling, and not enough showing. You need to include more detail. Like what did the lunchroom look like? What does her friends look like? This reminds me of another thing too. I want to know more about her emotions. What is she feeling at this moment?? Happy? Sad? Confused? Include those as well.

Another thing I think you could change was how fast things went. It was hard to keep up at times. If you just slow the tempo down just a tad, I think it will be easier to follow.

Otherwise, keep up the good work. I am on to Part Two!