Untitled-Teaser [EDITED]

Listening to the thunder rolling over head she crawled into her small hide-away to get closer to the window. She looked out at the grey sky with a smile, this was her world; the closeness of her surroundings, the thunder just over head. She waited for the lighten to strike, it was only a matter of time, the rain would come and wash away the troubles of the day.

She sat down against the wall with a sigh. God, it had been to long since the last rainfall. Then again the Mods didn’t allow it to rain that often. The Mods controlled everything, they took control just after The Warming, The Warming was the end of the world, when the earth started purging, the weather started to kill.

She jumped up, it had started to rain, it was perfect. Thunder over head, rain washing away everything bad that the people left there. It was a perfect storm. A smile crept onto her face, her door opened and she turned around in shock. She took a step away from her window and leaned against her bed frame with a coy smile.

The man in her doorway moved closer to her. “Enjoying the weather, Clara?”

He smiled and embraced her before she could answer. He kissed her cheek in greeting, looking at her he took a step back.

“Oh, yes Adam. I’ve missed you dearly. When did you get back?”

“Only a moment ago before the rain started. I’ve missed you as well. Let’s sit down, there’s something I want to discuss with you,” he motioned to the bed.

“Surely it can wait, I’ve got something to tell you as well. I’m-” she stopped and looked at him in shock as he turned away from her.

She reached out for him but he moved away from her. He walked out of her room slamming the door behind him. Clara stood for a moment before collapsing onto her bed with a sob. What had she done to make him so mad?

--------------

Adam stormed out of her building and into the rain, and stood there letting it soak him to the bone. He had traveled to the ends of the earth for her, and nearly into the wilderness. And now he comes back to find that she had given her heart to another. He had seem the pictures, and the small delicate ring she wore around her neck.

How could she, didn’t she know how strong my love for her is? She must have been tricked, surely she knows how much I care for her. And what of her father, I asked her father permission. Did I do something wrong. No. I did everything I was supposed to. It was her fault, she was to blame.

He fell to his knees tears burning in his eyes. She didn’t love him, she had forgotten him.

Listening to the thunder rolling overhead she crawled into her small hideaway to get closer to the window. She looked out at the grey sky with a smile, this was her world, [s]the closeness of her surroundings, the thunder just over head[/s] [this seems random and the thoughts don‘t fit together…if you want to keep this use dashes rather than commas]. She waited for the lightening to strike, it was only a matter of time, then [avoid using “then”] the rain would come and wash away the troubles of the day.

She sat down against the wall with a sigh. God, it had been too long since the last rainfall [This seems like a thought…italicize it if it is…]. Then again the Mods didn’t allow it to rain that often. The Mods controlled everything, they took control just after The Warming. The Warming [the repetition of “The Warming” so closely is annoying - combine the two sentences instead] was the end of the world, when the earth started purging, the weather started to kill.

She jumped up and looked out the window [But you already said she was next to the window], it had started to rain, it was perfect. Thunder overhead, rain washing away everything bad that the people left there. It was a perfect storm. She smiled[s],[/s] [This event seems to sudden and breaks away from the action before - meld it in with the rest of the work…] her door opened and she turned around in shock. She took a step away from her window and leaned against her bed frame with a coy smile.

“Only a moment ago, just as the rain started to come down [That doesn‘t sound like something someone would say maybe “Only a moment ago before it started to rain.]. I’ve missed you as well. Let’s sit down, there’s something I want to discuss with you,” he motioned to the bed.

Adam stormed out of her building and into the rain, [s]he just[/s] [say “and” instead] stood there letting it soak him to the bone. He had traveled to the ends of the earth for her, and nearly into the wilderness. And now he comes back to find that she had given her heart to another. He had seem the pictures, and the small delicate ring she wore around her neck. How could she, didn’t she know how strong his love for her was? She must have been tricked, surely she knew how he cared for her. And what of her father, he had asked her father permission. Did he do something wrong. No. He did everything he was supposed to, it was her fault, she was to blame. [Sense this is third person you need to make these his thoughts - not the speculation of the narrator]

II. DRAMATIC MUCH?

I really don’t understand this piece. It starts out with a woman staring out the window at the rain and then a guy comes, she seems like she’s telling him “I’m pregnant!” (that’s what I thought at least) and he storms out and believes she doesn’t love him - believes that she’s been cheating on him. This makes absolutely no sense to me and you should elaborate more. This guy traveled the “ends of the earth for her” what did he do? Did he literally do that or is he just using the expression of the typical, star-crossed lover? I’m confused.

Then the whole plot. What is “The Warming” and “The Mods” you didn’t explain that much to allow the reader to get any sort of grasp about it.

Lastly, the way you wrote this - I thought the MC was a child. She used “hideaway” and it reminds of when I was little and I would watching the rain in my [s]not-so-secret[/s] super secret hiding spot. She doesn’t seem too mature…

III. OVERALL IMPRESSION

This seems promising. I would read more, but you really need to elaborate to allow the reader to understand and flesh out your characters/plot more. PM me if you have any questions or concerns!

Periwinkle, thanks for your help. I really appreciate it. I've gone through and fixed the things you've noticed, which I thank you for.

And I would like to add, that you're not supposed to know what has happened. At least not yet. It's a teaser, it's supposed to make you wonder.
Thank you for your help, I'll be adding more as time goes by.

Lots of run-ons - watch out for those. Like this one: "She looked out at the grey sky with a smile, this was her world; the closeness of her surroundings, the thunder just over head."

There should be a period between 'smile' and 'this'. Also, the ending felt very rushed...like, the guy just randomly got mad and stormed out of the room? It seems like something else should have happened there, something that should have given him reason to be upset. I like the description of the rain and how its her world. It was a very otherwordly feel, even though it's just a thunderstorm.

Hope that helped a little bit!