I Lost Myself

I lost myself a while ago
She’s standing in a field somewhere-
Somewhere I don’t know.

In the grass on a mountain top,
Barefoot and smiling at the sun,
She laughs at nothing.
Nothing at all.

I need to go to her, to see
What she sees, and act how she does,
Tell me, where is she?

I don’t know how I strayed from her,
I never, ever meant to leave,
I want to be her,
I want to feel like me.

The grass is soft under her feet,
And her forehead wrinkles at the sun,
I loved her, I know,
And she loved me.

I lost myself a while ago
She’s standing in a field somewhere-
Somewhere I don’t know.

Written on Thursday 15th May, 2008 at 22:51.

Hmmm...I'm not so sure about this one Matt. Usually I love your stuff but I think this lacked your usual power. I find that a lot of what attracts me to your poetry is imagery, and there wasn't too much of it here. I liked;
"And her forehead wrinkles at the sun,"
but the otehr images seemed a tad watery to me.

I think the rhythm is a bit off in places. Maybe try reading it aloud so you can get a sense of the sound.

The idea is a good one but I just don't think it's put across as powerfully as it could be. I like the repetition of;
"I lost myself a while ago",
but felt that;
"Somewhere I don’t know."
was a little forced.

For some strange reason I kind of want to see this as a villanelle. I think the "I lost myself..." would work well as a refrain, though I have no particular reason for thinking this. Maybe experiment in that sort of format?

I know this is very harsh, so I hope that it's at least some bit helpful. This really isn't bad, I think I'm just being fussy as I really love your stuff but I just couldn't feel this one.

Jas

I like to look at this as a good poet's okay poem. You see, there's no denying reading this that you have talent. It's absolutely so driven into you I think you know exactly what you're doing- but not where you're going. Ok- so that came out really jumbled. I hope you got what I meant. To put it shortly I think you're good, just this isn't brilliant.

I'm actually a little confused by it. However I'm open to the possibility that it may have a double meaning. I'll show you where I got confused:

I lost myself a while ago

She’s standing in a field somewhere-

Somewhere I don’t know.

So you lost yourself- and is it your former self or your love standing in the field? I feel awful stupid for asking this but I have to know. One thing I will say about this is that I really cared for the speaker. I can't even explain it, I just did.

Barefoot and smiling at the sun,

That's quite vivid, but I think you could develop on it a little better. I'd like to see more use of the senses to show how strong and deep the feelings run in this. So she's barefoot. The grass must tickle her, right?

She laughs at nothing.

Nothing at all.

The repetition can be toned down a little here-

She laughs at nothing,

nothing at all.

Throughout the rest I'm thoroughly frustrated because I really haven't a clue what's going on. I wish I did though! Does the speaker love the person they used to be or is the love so strong that 'being them' was like loving them? So many questions.

I really did like the ending though. There's something about it that I can't put my finger on. So well done on that.

I lost myself a while ago

She’s standing in a field somewhere-

Somewhere I don’t know.

Best wishes, and I hope my ramblings helped,

Eimear

Hey I agree with Jas. Your poem lacks some rhythm. Dont take me bad. I liked it.
I really liked this part.

I don’t know how I strayed from her,
I never, ever meant to leave,
I want to be her,
I want to feel like me.

The grass is soft under her feet,
And her forehead wrinkles at the sun,
I loved her, I know,
And she loved me.

Its really....um.....Beautyful? I guess that could work. But its something deeper. This Part was really nice as well.

I lost myself a while ago
She’s standing in a field somewhere-
Somewhere I don’t know.

I thought that was really meaningful.
Good job.
see ja.

-Tia-

I love what Jas said about possibly working this into a villanelle -- I could almost hear it going that direction, really. With your repeated refrains, it could work beautifully as a traditional villanelle, or even modifying the pattern a bit... but!

I loved her, I know,
And she loved me.

I love those two lines, and they offer such finality to the poem, and it complements the repetition of the first stanza really well.

S3 is the weak point - it doesn't follow pattern of the first two stanzas, and it doesn't break with enough force to be effective, I don't think. I was going to suggest rearranging stanzas a bit, but I read your poem without S3, and I think it's stronger -- what do you think? You say in S4 and S5 what is said in S3, and I think you say it better -- and the a- b - a pattern of repetition on words vs. breaking the rep. looks better as 2 - 2 - 1, but that's me. It shows what the pattern is and gives it more weight, than having 3 stanzas of each, which leaves the reader wondering which is the format you wanted, and which was the break.

That's the big stuff! A couple small things! In S5, consider "underneath" for "under" -- just rhythm-wise, it fits with syllables. But not huge, and "under" works just as well.

In S4, you separate the narrator the the girl more than I think you meant to? I'm not sure. But "I want to be her" brings the reader away from the state of mine that the narrator is looking at herself, and rather as someone else entirely. Which may or may not be as extreme as you wanted to take the idea! So, if you meant that separation, it's good! But if not, then I would suggest using something like "I want to be her again" to emphasize that narrator and girl and one in the same, just different incarnations.

Thank you for a lovely read, Sam!

I liked this poem. Although the life of this poem is kinda weak. It seems that there is something lacking but I do not know what it is.

I love the first and last stanza!

Peace,
Casey