deleted

i resubmitted this, check to portfolio for "who would've thought"

I literally just threw this together in an hour, so reviews, pretty please? I know that it's probably not the greatest, but my editing skills are horrendous.

Also, this (or at least this chapter) is loosely based off of a true story, which I plan to write about in my blog sometime in the near future.

Thanks, all!

I'd be glad to review!

My comments/critiques will be in bold, your writing in italics. And here we go:

salsashanno wrote:As my favorite song danced out of the stereo, I bobbed my head along, making my way from the living room back into the kitchen. The kitchen was overflowing with people, my family, and the friends who were like the family that I had chosen. It was Saint Patrick’s Day—an event that calls for great celebration in my family, so my father had invited far too many people, as usual. There were a few aunts and uncles in attendance, several of my Dad’s friends from work, along with their daughters, my two best friends, who just happened to be sisters, and their father and mother. I was making my way through the kitchen, giving the obligatory greeting of a hug or a “nice to see you,” along the way, when I met some of our oldest family friends, the Storks. Mr. and Mrs. Stork were very good friends with my parents, they had met way back when, and kept in touch ever since. Next, there was their daughter, Jackie, a few years younger than I, she had grown a lot in the year since I had seen her last. Then, I reached their son, Kyle, who was a few months older than I was. I threw him a quick “hey,” and then made my way up to my room with the girls, while the boys went into the den for some video games.

I see nothing really wrong here. ^ ^ Yay, you! But, I do see that this paragraph is quite a bit too long. Find a way to break this into a few paragraphs. Maybe find a place that is suitable to break it in half or something. It just strikes me as odd.

salsashanno wrote:The party was going along great. I had fun gossiping with my two best friends- Caitlin and Rebecca, along with Jackie, while the younger girls listened and giggled. When we made our way downstairs for desert later than night, we were welcomed by a feast of sweets neatly arranged on the kitchen counter. I carefully selected the ones that looked worst for my health, and sat down in the front room with the rest of the kids.

Where you have the dash after the word 'friends', you have a space after it. Either put another space before the dash or don't have any spaces at all. Oh, and I absolutely adore that last sentence! Pure genius!

salsashanno wrote:My youngest brother was midway through a not-so entertaining story about a crocodile when Caitlin invited me to escape with her for a few moments to get a refill on our Cokes, I happily agreed.

You need a dash after the word 'so' to combine the phrase 'not-so-entertaining'. Make the comma after 'Cokes' a period.

salsashanno wrote:All of the adults were gathered around the kitchen table, listening to a story my father was telling them about the time he was reprimanded by a midget. The soda seemed to sizzle as I poured it over the ice cubes. I was pouring some Cola into Caitlin’s cup when she leaned forward, and whispered something into my ear:

“Wow, Kyle’s pretty cute. He plays hockey, right?”

Great description! I love how you talk about the soda sizzling over the ice cubes. No mistakes at all.

salsashanno wrote:I looked at her, gave her the evil eye, and said “Yes, he does, but don’t you dare! I’ve known him since forever, so, number one, no, he’s not cute! And, number two, he’s off limits, because I know I would have to endure hours of you going on and on about how dreamy he was if anything ever went down.”

:) Now we know how the MC feels about Kyle. Well, we have a little bit of an idea... We don't know if she likes him yet though. Although, she's being a little defensive, so she must have some sort of feelings for him. Ooh! It's a mystery! Lmao. Good job with expressing the MC's feelings. (I would call her by her name, but we don't know what that is yet. Maybe sometime soon we could find out her name?)

salsashanno wrote:Caitlin replied with a sly smile, she knew this was disturbing me, and proceeded back into the other room. Her remarks had put a pit into my stomach. Seriously? Was she seriously going to do this to me? I knew she would, she loves to vocalize her attraction. I secretly wondered if Kyle was thinking the same thing about her. But, he couldn’t, of course he couldn’t…that would be…incredibly disgusting. If she dated him, I don’t know what I would do. I’ve known him my entire life. I know a hell of a lot about him, too. I even knew that when he gets tired, he itches his nose. My mom even has a picture of the two of us playing from when I was no older two.

Maybe change this first sentence to this: "Caitlin replied with a sly smile and proceeded back into the other room. She knew this was disturbing me." Change the second 'seriously' to a synonym of 'seriously', like 'really' or 'actually'. I don't like repetition. Between the words 'older' and 'two', in the very last sentence, add the word 'than'. I think you just forgot it.

salsashanno wrote:Feeling sick to my stomach, I walked back into the front room.

Woah, woah, woah, my head was telling me, rewind…sick to your stomach? What is this?

Could I possibly have feelings for Kyle?

Good 'ending'. It's not really the end, I know, but now you've got me wanting to read more.


Monki's Nitpicks

-I've noticed that you tend to use the '...' quite a bit. Don't get me wrong. There's nothing wrong with it. I use it more than you do, I believe. But, when you use it, you use it like this: "Woah, woah, woah, my head was telling me, rewind…sick to your stomach? What is this?" I suggest using like this: "Woah, woah, woah, my head was telling me, rewind… sick to your stomach? What is this?" Even one space makes the whole paragraph look a lot cleaner.

-My only other nitpick is that many of your paragraphs seem extra long. I think you have the same problem that I sometimes have. I tend to not know where a paragraph should begin, where it should end, and when I should start a new one. Don't worry. Just pay attention to this next time you write. You might go over it and realize what I mean.

-The MC's name. Need I say more? No? Well, I will anyway. We know everyone and their mother and brother's name, but we don't know the MC's name?! That's craziness! (Again, I'm very guilty of doing this too. So, don't worry. You're not alone. Learn from my mistakes.)


Overall, I think this has great potential. And actually, I'm really interested to see how the next part turns out. ^ ^ Now, I know some people say: "This has great potential! Good job! Keep writing!" and that's their critique. Apparently, you can see that that's not how I work. So, you must be doing something right, right? Lmao.

But, seriously, PM me if you ever need a new critique/when you edit this. I'd love to take another look at it.

<3,
Monki

Hey! Okay, I'm not going to critique your story paragraph by paragraph like Monki...I'm more about the idea behind it and the plot than the grammar. I think that it a really well written story and you definitely have a way with words, just, I'm not sure where you're going with it. It seems a little too happy-go-lucky, I don't know if that is just my taste. But you should tie something deeper into it, not necessarily a main plot element, but just something to ground it a little. And I agree, I really want to know the main character's name, so keep going! ~Mechi

OKay, I Love the whole plot of this and think that your wording was great. Some of your grammar may be a bit off but dont worry because every reveiw i've gotten so far says i do to. But it doesnt mean your not a good writer! I really am curious of what will happen next! Keep writing!

I always fall for stories like this.

It was Saint Patrick’s Day—an event that calls for great celebration in my family, so my father had invited far too many people, as usual.

Very original. I would've never thought to use St. Patrick's Day, and I like how you chose a usually untouched holiday.

All of the adults were gathered around the kitchen table, listening to a story my father was telling them about the time he was reprimanded by a midget. The soda seemed to sizzle as I poured it over the ice cubes. I was pouring some Cola into Caitlin’s cup when she leaned forward, and whispered something into my ear:

Excellent description here! The father part made me chuckle

When we made our way downstairs for desert later than night,

Just a small typo here. I think you meant "that" and not "than".

Also, I think it has already been said, but I suggest breaking up that first paragraph.

Other than those two small critiques...nice job, and I'm looking forward to the rest

These things always giggle. Mostly because I'm a romantic and a writer, and I relate to these kinds of things. Anywhoo, nothing I have to say about this piece is really any different from everyone else. Nicely written, realistic, cute. I want to know more about Kyle though! The boy is always the biggest part in these stories, you know! But yeah, PM me when you post some more! I should like to read it.

Holly

I. NITPICKS

As my favorite song danced out of the stereo, I bobbed my head along[s],[/s] [it’s better to just say “I made” and nix the comma] making my way from the living room back into the kitchen. [Change the second kitchen to avoid repetition] The kitchen was overflowing with people, my family, and the friends [s]who were like the family that I had chosen[/s] [do you mean they’re like the family she chooses? I think you should just take this out..] . It was Saint Patrick’s Day [I think a comma would suffice] an event that calls for great celebration in my family, so my father had invited far too many people, as usual. There were a few aunts and uncles in attendance, several of my Dad’s friends from work, along with their daughters, [I think this is weirdly worded…you say “his friends from work” and it sounds like more than two but you only mention to daughters from the same guy - I think you should re-word this] my two best friends, who just happened to be sisters, and their father and mother.

I was making my way through the kitchen, giving the obligatory greeting of a hug or a “Nice to see you,” along the way, when I met [the way you say this it sounds like the first time but they’re old family friends…] some of our oldest family friends, the Storks. Mr. and Mrs. Stork were very good friends with my parents, they had met way back when, and kept in touch ever since. Next, there was their daughter, Jackie, a few years younger than I, she had grown a lot in the year since I had seen her last. Then [avoid starting with “then], I reached their son, Kyle, who was a few months older than I was. I threw him a quick “Hey,” and then [there it is again..] made my way up to my room with the girls, while the boys went into the den for some video games.

The party was going along great. I had fun gossiping with my two best friends- [Use a comma rather than a dash] Caitlin and Rebecca, along with Jackie[s],[/s] [I’m not sure, but I don’t think you need this comma] while the younger girls listened and giggled. When we made our way downstairs for dessert [Remember it’s “dessert” because you want two servings] later than night, we were welcomed by a feast of sweets neatly arranged on the kitchen counter. I carefully selected the ones that looked worst [I think you should re-word this it sounds a bit funny maybe “the least best for my health” otherwise I like this] for my health, and sat down in the front room with the rest of the kids.

“Wow, Kyle’s pretty cute. He plays hockey, right? Marie, my buddy, my pal, you want to--”

Forgot the quotes…

I looked at her, gave her the evil eye, and said “No! I don't want to put in a good word for you, and yes, I can read your mind. Yes, he does play hockey, actually, but don’t you dare say anything to him! I’ve known him since forever, so, number one, no, he’s not cute! And, number two, he’s off limits, because I know I would have to endure hours of you going on and on about how dreamy he was if anything ever went down...and that would be repulsive.” [:lol:]
Caitlin replied with a sly smile, and proceeded back into the other room. She knew she was disturbing me. Her remarks had put a pit into my stomach. Seriously? Was she seriously [Take out the first “seriously”] going to do this to me? I knew she would, she loves to vocalize her attraction. I secretly wondered if Kyle was thinking the same thing about her. But, he couldn’t, of course he couldn’t…that would be…incredibly disgusting. If she dated him, I don’t know what I would do. I’ve known him my entire life. I know a hell of a lot about him, too. I even knew that when he gets tired, he itches his nose. My mom even has a picture of the two of us playing from when I was no older than two.

Feeling sick to my stomach, I walked back into the front room.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, my head was telling me, rewind…sick to your stomach? What is this?
Could I possibly have feelings for Kyle?

II. IMAGERY/SENSORY LANGUAGE]

This is a pretty good piece of writing, but it’s lacking imagery. You give us no idea what the kitchen or the front room looks like. What does it smell like - how many people are in there? Is it hot because of all the people? Are the dancing to Irish music or something? Is there St. Patty’s day decorations plastered all over the walls? What? I have no clue of what’s going on and this turns your writing to an internal monologue by your MC rather than a story. Just add a few bits of imagery. When her brother’s telling the story is he shaking his arms in the air which causes him to knock over a vase or something? Is everyone casually dressed or formally? Are they children crying because they got into a pinching fight (that’s what I do I St. Patty’s xD)

III. OVERALL IMPRESSION

I thought this was good - just a few problems mentioned above. I thought it was interesting that someone would make such a big deal out of St. Patty’s day. Just in need of a bit of editing. Just be careful with your commas to avoid comma splices. PM me or something if you have questions or concerns about anything.

First, I found this WAY too short!  Why did you cut it like that?? I would have loved to read more…

Well, anyway, some of your sentences were kind of funny. Like:

Mr. and Mrs. Stork were very good friends with my parents, they had met way back when, and kept in touch ever since.

I think you could change it to: Mr. and Mrs. Stork were very good friends with my parents. They had met way back when and had kept in touch ever since. Leaving it as just one sentence makes it look awkward. I’m not sure why, but if you read it out loud, you’ll see what I mean.

You have a few sentences like that, and I think reading your whole work out loud, you’ll notice all that stuff.

Other than that, I think you did a lot of telling instead of showing. Detail, Detail, and more DETAIL! Just adding what the kitchen looks like or what her friends appearances are would help it a lot!

Hope this all helps!

Hey! I saw your shout on my blog. Unfortunately, I agree with you. I am incredibly awesome...haha

Anyway, I liked this. The writing was good and it flowed rather well...onto the critique...

Characters: The characters didn't seem completely flat, but there wasn't alot to them either. I think if you made them less stereotypical it would add ALOT to the story. Give the main character a weird quirk; she hates the color of soda; she loves it when people walk backwards; her favorite thing to do is pretend to be a princess from a far away land. Those are just random examples...and not very good ones, but the character definitely needs something more to her personality. Kyle too. Have her remember something random he did or give him the habit of never changing his clothes. Something like that.

Plot/Description: To be perfectly honest, romance by itself is not particularly interesting. It is often fine to have some kind of love interest weaved into another, deeper or more intriguing plot. But if it's only about teenage romance, it will likely seem a little bland and boring. Technically, you could change this around a little and have something crazy or random happen and have her and Kyle end up working together for something...That is kind of a rough suggestion but you know I mean.

There is definitely a lack of description. What does the house look like, smell like, feel like? What do the people look like? What does the main character look like? What time of day is it and how does the light hit whatever is going on? Since it's first person, how does the main character like things to look and does she dislike the way they do look?--answering that one could give her more character.

So, I liked it and if you do want to keep it a romance, that is fine and I'm sure you could still make it entertaining. Good luck and feel free to PM me if you have any questions.