Over the Nights and Morns

Over the Nights and Morns

I saw the homeless woman always starving on the streets
While twenty floors above her a greedy rich man drinks
Now I wish that I could save her but she’s so far out of reach
Riches in the nighttime by the morning won’t be there

I watched the poor bar keeper as he closed for the day
As he turns off the lights he doesn’t give me a glance
Now I begged him for a blanket but he said I had to pay
Romances in the evening by the dawning do not exist

I sat down in the park as the pigeons flew back home
The weather’s gettin’ nasty please I need a place to go
Now I started to shiver as the wind began to moan
The tears in the nighttime by the morning will have dried

I woke up in the morning and I ached with so much pain
All the resting of the Earth tortures my whole self being
Now it twists and writhes and lingers as I suffer through the strain
Anguish in the evening by the dawning turns to joy

I wish someone would find me soon and show me all their love
Loneliness and solitude can wear into the soul
Now as I walk through the crowds the people start to shove
All the comfort in the nighttime by the morning means nothing

-

Do not hesitate any critiques.

I really like this. I think the theme you have running through it - things being gone by morning, and I like the way you managed to express this in different ways. The rhyming scheme is also quite nice to read. One thing I would change is this line: "The weather’s gettin’ nasty please I need a place to go". I think you need one or two commas in there, and perhaps speech marks. Also, perhaps "Now I started to shiver as the wind began to moan" should be then instead of now, because the rest of the line is in past tense. Other than that, very good work. Keep writing!

Main problem here is, your narrator's stance isn't believable.

Now, sidestory. At my Speech Night, at the end of school, the captains gave a speech in which they said goodbye to the school, so of course they had some sort of idealistic theme. The guy captain, a nice enough guy, goes through the measures of introduction and thanks and then comes out with the most horribly comical description of how upon seeing some poor people he said (he was six or seven in this rendition) "mother, why are some people so poor. Why do we have so much when they have so little, mother?"

And so here a similar ethic applies. You fall into the classic trap of believing that everything is easily identifiable and that readers don't need a reason to believe what you try to make them.

So first of all, how to go about remedying this?

1. Provide descriptions that make it easier to empathise
2. Don't go over the top with your descriptions

Numero Uno - You're people suffering have conditions but not appearances. The woman is homeless and starving, therefore unfairly treated and in need of help. Yes definitely. But appearances make that help easier to be wanted to given. Who do you feel more for, a one eyed, lame homeless lady who has varicose veins and is lying in the gutter after collapsing from hunger pangs or your lady. Go with some creative descriptions. The readers will find it easier to connect.

Two. You're tortured pain. Never do that. There isn't sufficient anything to make that emotional response viable at this moment (or perhaps ever - Unless you are actually being tortured and brainwashed).

People are cynical. "Seeing is believing" and even then it isn't. So keep that in mind while writing such poems. Feel free to PM if you want. Also, ever read any Orwell? I'd recommend Down and Out in Paris and London for ideas on descriptions of poverty.

Oh, and besides that it's difficult to follow what's being described. It doesn't exactly read understandably at places.

This was pretty good; depressing, granted, but pretty good.

My biggest suggestion would be to add punctuation. Without it, the poem's flow is off, the line is messed up, and it reads like one is talking to someone who will never shut up. So, add punctuation .

The flow seemed pretty good, but there were places where it seemed just aa bit off. For example:

I wish someone would find me soon and show me all their love

The "all" in this sets the line off, for some reason (in my opinion).

Perhaps another thing that would help is if you edited it so it fit a certain meter, with a constant syllable count, and that's either iambic, trochaic, dactylic, or anapestic. Definitions of these terms can be found at http://www.poemofquotes.com/articles/types-of-meters.php. If you managed to match your poem with one of these types of meter, it would be utterly fantastic!

Other than that, nice work. This has the potential to be truely fantastic, but for now, it's pretty good on it's own. PM me if you have any questions, or if you want me to review it again if you edit it.

River