Won't let go

Again and again I hear his voice,
The years pass by, but it does not show,
Maybe is just that I don’t want to,
Or because he won’t let go

His corpse is now long buried,
But he is still alive,
Somewhere in my mind,
And deep inside my heart,
He simply won’t let go.

He does not know what’s going on,
And I can’t help him find his way,
To for what now he calls home.
Sometimes I wake up screaming,
Regretting the fact that without me he is not leaving.
Why doesn’t he let go?

I can’t keep living like this,
Wondering where he could be,
Everywhere I go he is there with me.
He’s soft and cold skin touches my neck,
And a cold whisper runs across the room.
He is here again.
And won’t let go.
This time, I won’t let go.

Hello, vicko. Let's see what I can make out of this.

The structure is a little random – the stanzas are not equal. Of course, they don't always have to be, but it disturbed me. If you read your poem out loud, you can also notice that it doesn't really flow.

Again and again I hear his voice,

The years pass by, but it does not show, replace the comma with a point

Maybe is just that I don’t want to, it's just, perhaps? What is? And what don't you want to?

Or because he won’t let go

I didn't feel this was strong enough to be the opening stanza.

His corpse is now long buried, Could you try to be a little more... discreet? It's too telling

But he is still alive, delete the comma

Somewhere in my mind, delete the comma

And deep inside my heart, replace the comma with a point

He simply won’t let go.

You don't have to separate every line with a comma.

He does not know what’s going on, this felt awkward and too vague

And I can’t help him find his way, no comma

To for what now he calls home. Is "for" necessary? I don't think so

Sometimes I wake up screaming,

Regretting the fact that without me he is not leaving. Why regretting? This isn't very easy to read

Why doesn’t he let go?

I can’t keep living like this,

Wondering where he could be, either a point or nothing at all

Everywhere I go he is there with me.

He’s soft and cold skin touches my neck, his

And a cold whisper runs across the room. again the word "cold", this feels repetitive – unless you meant it to be so

He is here again. no point

And won’t let go.

This time, I won’t let go. nice ending

So these are my nit-picks for today. By editing and editing, you can only improve. All in all, I think it was a good try, maybe a little too telling (not showing), but oh well. I do that a lot, too. PM me if you need a crit some time!

Best wishes
Demeter xx

So Demeter's nit-picked this sufficiently enough, so I won't pull you up on anything like that. What I will say is that the imagery in this piece is quite weak, not strong enough to convey your theme to the reader. What I mean by 'weak' is you use well worn descriptions and fail to make them original to the speaker's own personal experience. We all go through similar emotions and events, but to each person, they are unique. It is the different perceptions that we pick up along the way and put down on paper that talk to the reader, making them sympathise and realise that the speaker is a real person. For example:

His corpse is now long buried,

Now, where is he buried? Under a cherry tree? Has the speaker a clear image of the headstone or name carved into the marble with their date of birth under? It is these details that make us interested. Show us your take on the world. Because if you write from your soul, it won't be like anything else anyone has wrote.

Hope this helps,

Eimear

well, demeter and eilmer said it all, i cant find any thing else with your poem, but it did lack emotion yes there was emotion but it was more latent, i had to look for it so take in what every one said because this could, will become a really good poem and try if you can to re write it a little to be more tearish, this poem makes it sound like her dead love is verging on annoying her and she wants to get away from him, which i could understand because the more he stays around the more the pain will stay.
keep trying and never give up
remember you can do it!
---Jon---

First off, I'd say this was an interesting poem. It had a good concept and I feel like I understand what you're trying to convey to your readers, but I feel that you could present it in a different way. I'm personally not a fan of rhyming poems, especially with such topics. I associate rhymes with limericks and the kind of humorous upbeat poems. I understand that rhymes, like any other literary device can be used in any type of poem, but I believe that it may be worth reconsidering in this case. Keep writing, and just let it flow out, "good things come from free thoughts."

Robyn