Chapter One : The Canaby Sisters

Jon · 2008-06-07T02:55:26Z

Chapter one The Canaby sisters The witches Madeline, Rose, and Sarah Canaby formed a circle raising their right hands and began shouting their names MADELINE, a blue beam of sparkling light came from her hand and stopped five feet above them. ROSE, a red beam of sparkling light came from her hand and joined Madeline’s. SARAH, a green beam of sparkling light came from her hand and joined with Madeline and rose’s. Just then all of their powers intertwined and formed an orb that started to grow and electrify. “It’s time for the spell of future sight” “said Madeline” “let us begin there’s no time to waste” “said Sarah”. With that they began to say the spell in unison: Future sight is what we inquire Future sight is what we desire Let us look through time and space To see the holy chosen face The orb cleared like clouds moving to show the moon, everything was still. The sisters watched to see the face they would soon be giving their powers to, expecting an adult strong enough to take on all of their powers , they were shocked to see a mere infant, not even a month old in a small white and pink bed. They assumed it was a girl because of this and also a name painted on top of the bed which read Lily. To the Canaby sisters this seemed like a whimsical, weak name but they didn’t have a clue of how powerful she would become. Lily was the chosen one after all, born by the king and queen of Topia two weeks in the future. The Canaby sisters were far from the land of Topia and had to act quickly if they were to bless the child with the gifts of inner sight, knowing, and control before midnight of her birth. These gifts were the powers of the Canaby sisters. Madeline had the gift of inner sight a gift which saved her life in many occasions. She also saved others with this power, a powerful gift indeed. Rose had the gift of knowing which was very useful in her past endeavors. She knew what every answer was without question; she had the most confidence naturally. Finally Sarah, she had the gift of control, which was the most active power of the sisters. She could bend the will of others and make them do anything with ease, not even the strongest spell could do that. Sarah was the strongest of the three sisters and the most mature which is why such a great power didn’t twist her soul or mind to evil. The Canaby sisters were to leave immediately if they were to get there in two weeks time. Madeline, Rose, and Sarah packed their belongings in black leather trunks they each put in their own personal spell book and a communication mirror in which they could talk back and forth if they ever separated. Also in the trunk were their unique gowns and other miscellaneous clothing. The last thing each of them had in their trunk was a collection of potions including from rapid healing potions to deadly exploding potions. The Canaby sisters were well prepared for their long treacherous journey that was ahead of them. The last thing they had to do before going was to shrink their trunks so they could carry them more easily. “Sisters” “said Madeline” “join me in the spell” Make the desired objects shrink The trunks are what we think From big to small From heavy to light This is what we want tonight The trunks lying on the wooden, dusty floor glowed with golden lights for a moment then shrank to the size of a rat. They picked up their trunks and headed down their creaky stairway and to the closet to get their flying staffs. The flying staffs were just wooden, thin poles that were charmed by the Canaby sisters to fly, Madeline opened the closet door and reached through the collective hanged clothing and grabbed the staffs. She gave Rose and Sarah theirs and kept hers clutched in her hand, looking around the room she said goodbye to the room and the house that she loved so much. Madeline, Rose, and Sarah would probably never see the Canaby Manor again if the prophecy that brought them to give up their powers had anything to do with it. Since receiving the prophecy a month ago by a seer the Canaby sisters questioned if they should give up their beloved powers to save the world a few hundred years in the future, but they knew they must. Ready to go, the Canaby sisters passed through the door way of the manor for the last time. The air outside was a cold, breathless type of air that made the sisters weary, Rose knew that something wasn’t right. Just then Madeline gasped with her head looking up at the stars; the sisters knew she was having a premonition. In the moments of Madeline’s premonition Rose and Sarah stopped to look at their surroundings, there was a dark alley with a little torch on the wall to give a minor amount of light. Also there were a few buildings, but most of windows had broken out. Another distinct characteristic was an ominous dark figure about two hundred feet in the sky floating down towards them. Madeline came back to normal and said “sisters hurry I just saw our cousin Ruby coming to attack us.” “We know that already” said Sarah “there she is, Sarah had her finger pointed at the figure they saw before. Ruby was the evil member of the family that had betrayed them years ago. Ruby had the power to freeze anything solid with a thrust of her hand, so that’s why the Canaby sisters where so afraid of her. “Sisters lets go, we have to leave before she comes near us” said rose. “ NO, I’m tired of running from our traitor cousin; she killed our father now it’s time to get even.” “Said Madeline” “I’m killing her like she killed our father and if you don’t help me your just as much a traitor as she is.” Ruby was about fifty feet in the sky and still descending and Madeline wasn’t going to waste time. She started to say the forbidden spell to kill a witch: I call upon thee To give me the key To end a witches life Strip them from strife To end their …… “NO!” “Shouted Sarah” you know why that spell is forbidden, it puts an endless curse on you! I don’t care cried Madeline she killed our father for his power and now I’ll finally kill her, after all these years! “There’s an easier way” “said Sarah” she took her trunk from her pocket and brought it back to normal size with a wave of her hand. Then she unlatched the locks, flung the lid of it open and reached for a vile of exploding potion. Ruby was now on the ground about forty feet away from them, her long black hair and her pale white face shined in the moon light. Her dark blue tunic hid her body in the darkness as she approached. “Hello my darling cousins” “ruby said in a shrill voice” long time no see eh, she started to laugh. Sarah had the vile of exploding potion clutched in her hand that ruby had no clue was there. All of the Canaby sisters looked at her as she came closer. “You know” “said ruby I enjoyed watching your father take his last breathe as I shoved the dagger through his beating heart. His eyes were so shocked when he saw that I had done it, he couldn’t believe it. Madeline let out a shriek of hate that filled the midnight air, “what are you going to do Madeline, hurt me?” Said ruby” you never could defeat me, and now that I have your father’s power, or should I say my power you’ll never defeat me! “Your right ruby I could never defeat you by myself but now I have my sisters with me” said Madeline” “Sarah the potion now!” “Yelled Madeline”. Sarah threw the potion as hard as she could in the direction of ruby but it was all in vain, ruby thrust her hand at the potion and it froze solid making a shattering noise as it broke on the hard ground. Ruby looked at the frozen bottle shaped potion that lay on the ground before her,” trying to get rid of me with a potion” “ruby snickered” you’ll have to use more than that. “Sarah use your power, control her!” “Said Madeline” “you know I don’t like to use it Madeline” “said Sarah” “USE IT!” “Shouted Madeline” “USE IT NOW OR WE’LL DIE”. “You wouldn’t dare control me, you couldn’t if you tried” “said Ruby” “once I’m finished with you three I’ll have your powers and be the most powerful witch in the cosmos” “shrieked ruby”. Ruby started to raise her hand and that’s when the sisters began to get scared, ruby put her elbow back, and was starting to thrust when Sarah shot out a green, steady stream of light that engulfed ruby and made her quit in her tracks, she was still and could not move or speak. “Rose, Madeline put your auras on ruby, I think I have a way to get rid of her without cursing ourselves” “said Sarah”. Without another word a red and blue beam of light shot past Sarah and engulfed ruby, just like before all of their powers combined started to electrify and grow into an orb. Ruby was in the center of the force field type orb that she couldn’t get out of; she started to regret coming there. “Sisters” “said Sarah” “I think if we use our combined powers we can send ruby into an astral plane that there would be no escaping from”. “We’ll have to improvise a spell” “said Sarah” ““repeat the spell after I get done, three times over should be enough” Energy in the orb Vanish to the unseen Go where the spirits scream Forever you’ll live morbidly Madeline, Rose, and Sarah said the spell three times in unison and with a bright glow of the orb and a cracking noise, ruby vanished. Although one thing stayed behind, the power to freeze things solid was floating six feet from the ground, calm. The Canaby sisters stood there quizzically pondering what to do with it. “I know what we should do with it” “Said Rose” “We should bottle it in case we need it in the future, we could each have some”, “Good idea” “Said Madeline” “Good idea”. :D

Hello!

First off, I have to apologize. You requested a review on this like a month ago and I haven't gotten around to depositing it until now. Sooo sorry.

Anyway, let's get on with the review -- shall we?

I have to admit that I didn't read the whole thing. In fact, I didn't read much past the first two paragraphs. The reason for this is that you seem to either ignore or not know some of the basic rules of grammar. Without grammar, your sentences fall apart and your writing loses readability. Let's take the first paragraph and work through it slowly, combing all the mistakes out one sentence at a time.

The witches Madeline, Rose, and Sarah Canaby formed a circle raising their right hands and began shouting their names MADELINE, a blue beam of sparkling light came from her hand and stopped five feet above them.

The main problem here is that it's all one long sentence. Sentences, as you must know, are defined by periods at their ends. So put a period after "names" so that this is two sentences, like this: "The witches Madeline, Rose, and Sarah Canaby formed a circle raising their right hands and began shouting their names. MADELINE, a blue beam of sparkling light came from her hand and stopped five feet above them." Now, let's take the first of these two sentences. Commas are, mainly, put where pauses are. So, say your sentence out-loud -- where you have little pauses, put a comma. I would make that first sentence be like this: "The witches, Madeline, Rose, and Sarah Canaby, formed a circle, raising their right hands and began shouting their names." Also, because you say "raising" rather than "raised," you should also say "beginning" rather than "began." Just for consistency's sake.

SARAH, a green beam of sparkling light came from her hand and joined with Madeline and rose’s.

The only problem here is that "rose's" should be "Rose's." I think this is just a typo.

Just then all of their powers intertwined and formed an orb that started to grow and electrify.

Remember what I said about commas makring the pauses? So put a comma after "Just then" because that's where you would pause when reading this sentence out-loud.

“It’s time for the spell of future sight” “said Madeline” “let us begin there’s no time to waste” “said Sarah”. With that they began to say the spell in unison:

Okay, this section needs a LOT of work. Let me explain to you the rules of dialogue. Dialogue is written conversation. Sometimes, it can be difficult to write down a conversation, but here's what you need to know. It will help you. There are two parts of writing dialogue:
1) The dialogue -- what people are saying.
2) The dialogue tags -- things such as "he said" or "she asked" or "John said energetically."
The dialogue needs to be inside quotation marks. The dialogue tags SHOULD NOT be inside quotation marks.

Following these rules, it would be: “It’s time for the spell of future sight” said Madeline “let us begin there’s no time to waste” said Sarah.

If the dialogue tag is just "he/she said" or "said John" then there needs to be a comma at the end of the dialogue, inside the quotation marks.

Following these rules, it would be: “It’s time for the spell of future sight,” said Madeline “let us begin there’s no time to waste,” said Sarah.

Now -- another VERY important thing to know about dialogue is that when a new character starts talking, you start a new paragraph.

Following these rules, it would be:
“It’s time for the spell of future sight,” said Madeline.
“Let us begin there’s no time to waste,” said Sarah.

______________________

Did that make sense? I basically covered the main issues that this piece seems to have. I tried to cover everything plainly, so that it's easy to understand. But if I wasn't clear (or even if I was) I strongly suggest that you read these two topics: Dialogue Grammar--this covers all the grammar rules of dialogue. Using Grammar--this discusses the importance of knowing how to use proper English grammar.

Another thing that you can do is read books. If you read books, you will see how professional, published authors use grammar. I suggest you learn from them. They are successful.

You really need to know how to use correct grammar. Then, you can decide whether or not you want to observe ALL of the rules. Sometimes, for the flow or strength of a passage, a writer will distort the minor rules slightly. But just the minor ones, for the most part. And you should always know how to do it right, even if you don't want to do it that way.

Lastly, I really hope I don't sounds too harsh. I just CANNOT STRESS ENOUGH just how important grammar is.

Please, please PM me if you have any questions!

~Azila~

Ok Wisemann, I did say that I'll have a look at the start.

The Canaby sisters were far from the land of Topia and had to act quickly if they were to bless the child with the gifts of inner sight, knowing, and control before midnight of her birth. These gifts were the powers of the Canaby sisters. Madeline had the gift of inner sight a gift which saved her life in many occasions. She also saved others with this power, a powerful gift indeed. Rose had the gift of knowing which was very useful in her past endeavors. She knew what every answer was without question; she had the most confidence naturally.

Finally Sarah, she had the gift of control, which was the most active power of the sisters. She could bend the will of others and make them do anything with ease, not even the strongest spell could do that. Sarah was the strongest of the three sisters and the most mature which is why such a great power didn’t twist her soul or mind to evil. The Canaby sisters were to leave immediately if they were to get there in two weeks time.

Why don't you show us that instead of telling us it? Give examples when such powers were used.

Just then Madeline gasped with her head looking up at the stars; the sisters knew she was having a premonition.

How?

I don’t care cried Madeline she killed our father for his power and now I’ll finally kill her, after all these years!

Why would she want to kill her? This is vital information. Nobody would kill someone for no reason. It's ludicrous. You need to justify the action, make the reader feel convinced that there's a need to kill this evil witch. Just because her father got killed doesn't mean anything, there has to be reason as to why he doesn't want him killed. You need to expand on it more.

“You wouldn’t dare control me, you couldn’t if you tried” “said Ruby” “once I’m finished with you three I’ll have your powers and be the most powerful witch in the cosmos” “shrieked ruby”.

Why would she want power?

Overall impressions:

I don't think doing line by lines would benefit you much. The flaws in your writing are more due to a certain lack of knowledge in writing and the limitations of your ideas.

The piece feels rushed, just like back in the flash-back. The writing itself only tells the reader of what's happening, it doesn't use examples to allow the reader to picture what's happening for themselves. To help you distinguish between show and tell, here are two sentences:

Telling: Charlie is angry.

Showing: Charlie clunched his fists and slammed the table.

The first sentence only tells what Charlie is feeling. The problem with "telling" this however is that it isn't exactly convincing for the reader. Just because someone tells us what he/she felt or is doesn't really prove that it's true.

The second sentence however is an example to back up the fact that Charlie is angry. It is convincing because the audience can relate that action to that emotion or who they are as a character since it is highly likely that someone in real life would do such a thing.

The lack of showing is also the reason why I thought the piece was rushed. Everything happened so quickly. One minute, they were wondering who the "Chosen One" is and the next, bam! There's a boss fight. This problem of "show vs tell" was also evident in the "flash-back" chapter as I may have pointed out. I highly recommend that you do some homework and learn what "show don't tell" is. It will make your writing much more convincing.

Now, onto the conventions that are used in the story. Firstly, you used the "Chosen One" idea. I personally dislike this convention for a number of reasons. 1) Normally there isn't justification as to why that particular person is chosen 2) The candidate isn't tested to provide evidence that he/she is capable of fulfilling said task 3) What authority or right does the entity have in choosing someone? 4) Does the general public support this decision? 5)Does the candidate express himself as to the reasons as to why he should take on such a role? Does he/she even want the role? Take the process a candidate goes through if he/she wants to become a prefect in the school. The candidate has to convince others that he/she wants the job, tested and has to get the favour of a majority of the public. Why should the fate of all humanity be placed in some child that we don't even give a rat's tail about? Make us care, apply those 5 ideas of mine into the "choosing of a chosen one".

Secondly, your villian is just unconvincing. The reason for that is that there are no redeeming features to her. No one is ever truly evil. The idea of "good" and "evil" in our society today is simply the difference between what people view/interpret as good. Take Hitler as an example: Although he did caused the death of millions, he did try to bring Germany out of a depression. He also demonstrated values like leadership, courage etc etc. Isn't Ruby their cousin? Doesn't she still have some sort of mutal relationship with them? What's the point of saying that she's their cousin then? I suggest that you add more of a cousin-esque mutal interaction between them and to justify Ruby's actions. I'm just not convinced that she is really fighting for what she believes in.

Anyways, I think that's all I have to say for now. Hopefully, I've given you a better of what I mean by being "convincing". Both the flash-back and this part suffers from the same problem. Remember, there's a big difference between being confused and finding something not convincing.

Good luck and see you for now.
Andy.

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