Thirteen Kisses

elephantwalrus · 2008-06-06T21:41:24Z

My second attempt at romantic fiction! "Thirteen Kisses" is a series of fairly short stories, of which this post is the first installment. Enjoy! Most people can complain about awkward moments where they found themselves uncomfortably close to someone’s face for the first time. The trend is often the earlier one can get their first kiss, the better. When I turned eighteen, and still had not ever tried to express my affection in such a manner, I took pleasure in that I was different. September 7, 2007, five days after my eighteenth birthday: Luke and I were on his back porch eating ice cream sundaes and our favorite Japanese candies that we had bought at the little market down the street. As close, childhood friends, the topic of romantic relationships came up a lot. As close, childhood friends, we usually tried to avoid talking about us being together. Luke ruined that understood peace that day by saying, “Emma, can I kiss you?” For a moment, I thought I had a major brain freeze, but in reality it was just my world being spun on its head for a moment. “Now?” I croaked. “Not if you don’t want to,” Luke said, blushing himself silly. “I just thought – well, think – that you and I, we, should – well, would be a great couple.” “Oh,” I said. We sat there for sometime, silently watching our sundaes erode away until they were somewhat-chunky puddles. “You know I don’t kiss, Luke. You know I’ve been saving it for something special.” “Yea, I know,” the hint of eagerness in his eyes died as he explained his audacity in asking me for something I’d never give, “I just thought that I could make it special enough.” And in truth, Luke was really special. And my best friend. And though we’d never admit it to anyone, we loved each other; we just thought it best not to show it. “I’m sorry, dude,” I said, trying not to cry, “I can’t.” “I understand. What do you want to do today?” “We have that project in Robert’s’. Mind if we work on that?” “Sounds good.” And that was the end of that, in my dreams. Unfortunately, Luke’s perfectly innocent question plagued my mind for the following week, until the Friday when we met next. We walked down to the market, admiring the golden aspens as we strolled. At the market, we purchased our usual favorite Japanese candy, in addition to strawberry-flavored Twizzlers. Happily munching on the candy, we walked into the wooded park on the side of the road. Farther in we went, to the point where we couldn’t see the road, or any houses, or anyone at all. It was just us, and an army of golden aspens. We’d been here before to eat candy, so we plopped down on the dirt and munched away. I felt almost sick to be around him, without clearing up something to make him happy. After all, Luke had always been there for me as a friend. He deserved my affection. “Luke, um,” I choked on a piece of purple hard candy. “Um, you have permission to, well, you know…” It took a moment for him to answer. “You don’t have to, you know,” he said. “I know. But I want to.” “You sure?” “Yea.” “Ok, then.” End of conversation. A few minutes and a couple good laughs later, we stood. There was one Twizzler left. He split the nine intertwined strands, giving four for me, and taking five for himself. We consumed them as the hot Colorado sun started to flee the skies, casting orange light to aspens around us. I ate my candy fast, but Luke was a bit slower. Five strands. Four. Three. Two took a while to go down, do to the inconsiderate interruption of a gaseous squirrel. There was one strand left. “Do you want to split it?” I nodded. He gave one end to me, and I struggled to comprehend why we was still holding on to the other end. Once it clicked for me, my spine went cold. This kiss is a gift. You love him, but hold on! You’re about to give something you will never get back! I put the end in my mouth and started to chew it slowly. Luke did the same with his end. The strand shrunk and shrunk, and with each bite my pulse quickened, and the earth around us started to change. At three inches between our faces, an angry wind lashed around the trees, roaring for me to stop. At two, amber leaves started to whip our faces. One, I could not longer move; I was a lead statue, frozen to the spot where Luke was about to kiss me. My mind screamed for me to stop while I could, but my heart had temporary control of my body. It was already too late to stop. The wind yowled, cried, mourned. The leaves rushed, fought, tore. Hair in my face, strawberry candy in my mouth, and Luke’s nose grazing mine. Our lips touched , and we tasted like Twizzlers. This is what I remember about my first kiss: the nearly scalding temperature of his face, the sticky candy on our lips, and the wind that warned me not to tear my world apart.

bunnie_i_am

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Thu Jun 19, 2008 6:03 am

bunnie_i_am says... · Thu Jun 19, 2008 6:03 am

It was okay.

Last edited by bunnie_i_am on Sun Jun 22, 2008 5:04 pm, edited 2 times in total.

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Caerulean

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Sun Jun 29, 2008 9:09 am

Caerulean says... · Sun Jun 29, 2008 9:09 am

elephantwalrus wrote:Whisperer: to answer your question, it did not happen in real life . These characters are completely fictional, and the events are as well. I do use some of my friend's names, but other than that, everything is off the top of my head.

Oh, sorry. I forgot this was really fiction but I really thought it could be nice in real life. I imagined really beautiful in real life

“(...) and so do all who live to see such times. But that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us.” - Gandalf, The Lord Of The Rings: The Fellowship Of The Ring

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niccy_v

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Sun Jun 29, 2008 11:51 am

niccy_v says... · Sun Jun 29, 2008 11:51 am

A good story. Lots to improve on but hey this is why you're giving it to us to critique. I like where this story is going, but descriptions can be improved. Much too short in my opinion.

It's sort of funny and a relief like somebody said above when you mention the twizzler. I have no idea what a twizzler is (i'm australian) so maybe just me... but i do like the bit about the candy on her lips as she's kissing a boy who tastes sweet.

I can't wait for the next bit!

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dianis97

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Sun Jun 29, 2008 11:51 pm

dianis97 says... · Sun Jun 29, 2008 11:51 pm

OMG! that was so cute

, you did an amazing job. I just want to keep reading the rest of it. I really like how you showed that your main character (don't know the name yet) wants to safe her first kiss for someone especial.

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“I’m sorry, dude,” I said, trying not to cry, “I can’t.”

I felt really bad for Luke, I was able to feel her fear to ruin an amazing friendship, but the way she was dying to kiss him because she really loved him

it was really cute, i really liked it, I have nothing bad to say about it
good job

"It's a wonder I haven't abandoned all my ideals, they seem absurd and impractical. Yet I cling to them because I still believe, despite everything, that people are truly good at heart" Anne Frank.

Diana!

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Luvzi12

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Mon Jun 30, 2008 6:14 pm

Luvzi12 says... · Mon Jun 30, 2008 6:14 pm

I thought it was really good, but was surprised of it being their first kiss at eighteen! In 2007! Maybe things are different in Colorado, but in the UK there's no one I know that would not have kissed someone by 18, but that's just an opinion and doesn't detract from the fact that this was a beautiful romantic piece. Congrats!

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omsvmars22

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Wed Jul 02, 2008 12:54 am

omsvmars22 says... · Wed Jul 02, 2008 12:54 am

Okay, so it was really cute! I didn't really like that they were 18...I mean a twizzler? Maybe I am just a hopeless romantic.
There are a few grammar errors but other then that you have something really cute!
You give great details about their surroundings, you made me feel like I was actually there too!

Good Work, it can improve but your writing style is very good!

It's not the face, but the expressions on it. It's not the voice, but what you say. It's not how you look in the body, but the things you do with it. You are beautiful.-------Ian O'Shea

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colourless-rainbow

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Thu Jul 03, 2008 7:19 pm

colourless-rainbow says... · Thu Jul 03, 2008 7:19 pm

elephantwalrus wrote:A few minutes and a couple good laughs later, we stood. There was one Twizzler left. He split the nine intertwined strands, giving four for me, and taking five for himself. We consumed them as the hot Colorado sun started to flee the skies, casting orange light to aspens around us. I ate my candy fast, but Luke was a bit slower.

Personally, I didn't like the word consumed, there. It feels a little too formal.

Otherwise, I loved it. It was really sweet without being cliché. Brilliant.

I'm having a crisis, but I have no icecream... I need PROCESSED PASTA.

I prefer to live life as I wobble

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Curlyqpride

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Sun Jul 06, 2008 11:47 pm

Curlyqpride says... · Sun Jul 06, 2008 11:47 pm

Gorgous settings and the scenery i could just imagine! The kiss is cute! Love it! Good characters!

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JADEREDNALIH

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Mon Jul 07, 2008 1:58 pm

JADEREDNALIH says... · Mon Jul 07, 2008 1:58 pm

I really liked this one. The wind effect really put a new 'twist' into the story. I will definitely be reading your 'others'.

NO ONE HAS ANY IDEA HOW MUCH THEY EFFECT ME UNTIL THEY READ MY WORK BECAUSE I WRITE MY FEELINGS IN EVERY POEM, SONG OR BOOK I WRITE.

... HALF OF MY HEART BELONGS TO ME...THE REST BELONGS TO MY READERS...

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summergrl13

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Tue Jul 08, 2008 12:21 pm

summergrl13 says... · Tue Jul 08, 2008 12:21 pm

Hmm, interesting piece. I especially liked how you notice that most people say that their first kiss 'was magical' and 'the most beautiful thing of my life', while she is reluctant to kiss someone too soon and didn't seem to greatly enjoy her first kiss too much. I thought it was great! I really don't have anything that needs changing. Keep it up! 0(o.o)0

I will review for you! PM about it if you need one!

Come check out my new story at topic53543.html

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Curlyqpride

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Tue Jul 08, 2008 7:27 pm

Curlyqpride says... · Tue Jul 08, 2008 7:27 pm

The scenery in this story is extrodianary! The dioloude is welll put together, and I love the romance between these two teens!

My only complaint is that I really want to know what you see the characters looking like. If theres a way you could fit and explanation into the story with bits and hints I would love that, but other then that this was captivating! Especailly the cute little twizzler kiss

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