Poisoned Roses--Prologue

ashleylee · 2008-06-05T13:11:07Z

All right, I know that their are MILLIONS of vampire stories out there. I know that this one starts out as most of them. But, I decided to throw in a twist. :wink: You'll find out when you read it. Well, I hope you all enjoy it! :D **Edited as of Sept. 15** _______________________________________________ PROLOGUE He is still the only thing that I think about, all that I live for, and I know it is wrong…so wrong to feel the way I do. Especially for a human: a creature so weak and vulnerable. I hate myself for it, for calling him out in the dead of night. I despise my family who urges me to do the unthinkable. I cringe when I think of what I must do tonight. What I must do to him … But I know that it is the only option if I want to keep him safe. An owl hoots nearby and I flinch, hearing the unmistakable crunch of feet on the dried leaves. I breathe through my mouth, but his scent fills me with a longing that I still don’t completely understand; it makes my mouth water. I quickly stop breathing all together. His silhouette appears in the gloom and soon his vibrant cerulean eyes land on me. He smiles and anxiously ruffles his chestnut hair shot through with blonde. My insides twist when I see him and I frown. I can’t love him. It has to end tonight. I know that part of me wishes for his blood, craves for his death; but another part of me wants to press my lips to his, wants to envelop myself into his arms and lay on his chest forever. I chew my lower lip, my hands curling into fists as a gust of wind blows his scent across my nostrils. It is a smoky, manly scent; it makes me lightheaded. I can feel my pupils dilate in response and my breathing nears close to hyperventilation. He stops a few feet away from me, eyeing me with uneasy. I am immediately aware of my scarred appearance but do nothing to pull up the hood of my sweatshirt. I just dig my nails into my flesh to prevent myself from doing something rash. I have to control the urge, to use it for good. He flashes that adorable, crooked smile and I can’t help but grin back. “Sophia,” he greets, bowing his head. “Isaac,” I breathe, his scent washing over me again. “So…” he trails off, shifting uncomfortably from foot to foot. I flash him a dazzling smile. “Sorry I dragged you out here in the middle of the night.” “It’s all right.” He shrugs. I can see the hunger in his eyes and know that there is no where else he’d rather be. It makes my breath catch in my throat. I know my duty, though, and I press forward. “I wanted to talk with you,” I whisper, my voice unintentionally seductive. His cheeks flush an adorable pink. “I just wanted to talk,” I repeat, inching steadily closer. My eyes transform into their earthy green, and he is frozen under my hypnotizing stare. His scent fills my nostrils again—warmer and thick with adrenaline; it puts my salivary glands on overload. I can hear the blood flowing through his veins, his heart pounding. I see the main vein in his neck, thick with blood, pushing against his skin. I lick my lips in anticipation, and his eyes flicker with fear. I freeze. His fear makes my chest ache and I quickly hunch over, feeling suddenly ill. “Sophia?” His voice is thick with compassion. I feel his hand mold over my shoulder and I go stiff. He is too close. One swipe and that would be it. One swift swing and he would be done. One bite and it would be finished. I need to control it, to use it to my advantage. I look up and meet his eyes. They are swimming with bewilderment and I straighten. “Are you okay?” he asks, and I swallow, fighting back the urge to kill. I slowly nod, my nails creating crescent-shaped imprints in my palms. Abruptly, my eyes feel wet and I tentatively touch them. Water droplets litter my fingertips and I scowl. [I]Will I always be weak?[/ I] When I glance up, his smile is soft, and I feel my insides melt. Then a gust of warm air rustles the hair on his head and I am stunned. The scent is more powerful than ever before and I quickly loose control of myself. My eyes dilate, turning to a hungry brown; my mouth parts in a seductive grin; my hands smooth over his shoulders. His eyes widen when my lips taste his. They part under my soft persuasion and my tongue slips inside. He responds as any human would; he yanks me to him and buries his fingers in my hair. My hands explore his chest, and he moans in my mouth. His adrenaline is high and I can smell the sweet sweat excreting from his pores. It is just like old times, our bodies fitting together perfectly. I think to when I had told him to leave me because of my disfigured body. But now I can’t find a reason why I would ever leave him, leave what we have. And now that I will change him, we will be together. Forever. My lips trail down his cheek and along his jaw. One of his hands finds the small of my back and he presses me against him. My tongue snakes out, lightly touching his neck. He shivers, and I smile against his skin flushed with gooseflesh. My teeth graze his neck and I smell the blood, salty and rich. A hunger so powerful flows through me and I kiss him passionately. He walks forward until my back is pressed against the trunk of a tree, our lips never parting. He moans again, and my mouth leaves his. My excitement is mounting and I don’t think I can hold it off any longer. As the wind has stopped blowing, I can faintly hear the tiny voice inside of me holding off the monster I am. I don’t know if I am strong enough to fight it, if I can prevent the blood-thirst that I feel, if I am strong enough to control it. I have denied myself for so long and the hunger is unbearable. I run my lips across his jaw and his hands mold to my hips. His blood is louder, pounding in my ears. I can’t resist…I can’t resist… My teeth make the smallest cut and a drop of blood stains my lower lip. He jolts, pulling quickly away. “Sophia?” His eyes are accusing as his fingers press against the cut. The drop of blood hangs precariously on my lip. I know that if I taste it that that would be it; Isaac’s life would end and I would be responsible. My tongue craves to taste him, to savor him. But I raise a shaky hand to my mouth and smear the blood away. My body gives a violent shudder as I deprive it of the blood it so craves. It is for the best, my body too out of control to be able to change him at the moment. My only choice now will be to take him back to Philip and have him changed there when I am thinking clearly. “And you were so close,” a velvety voice echoes in the forest. I cringe, guessing who the voice belongs to. Isaac, however, glances warily at me and steps further away. I know before it happens that we are surrounded. Ashton’s Coven steps from the shadows. They are all men and gaze furiously at me but for only a second as they all, in turn, glance at Isaac. “No!” I shout, gripping the leader’s arm. “Please, Rouke, have mercy!” I plead. He laughs huskily. “I almost thought you did it. I almost thought you had the power in you.” He laughs sorrowfully now. “But I was wrong.” He shoves me out of the way and advances on Isaac. I scream and punch every bit of Rouke that I can reach. “No! You can’t do this!” I shriek. He orders two of his men to pin me against the nearest tree. I bite and scratch but it does no good. Wet flows down my cheeks when I hear Isaac’s screams pierce the air and I crumble to the earth in a heap. One bite and it was finished…

Night Mistress

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Tue Sep 16, 2008 6:39 pm

Night Mistress says... · Tue Sep 16, 2008 6:39 pm

hey ash,

it's a lot better then before.it flows more smoother than before too.

i like this version i alot better. i am thinking about going back myself and edited the first chapters.

but i like what i see here. the change was for the better.

i will have to check out the other some other time. i am busy with chapoter 6 for Poison love.

Good luck with editing and writing the other chapters.

"I love you," she whispered in his ear, before taking his mouth with her own.

~Elizzabeth Grey of Addicting Posion

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ashleylee

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Tue Sep 16, 2008 10:52 pm

ashleylee says... · Tue Sep 16, 2008 10:52 pm

Night Mistress:

Thanks a bunch!

I know how busy you are with college and it means a lot to me that you take the time to read this.

Can't thank you enough!

"Woe to the man whose heart has not learned while young to hope, to love—and to put his trust in life."
~ Joseph Conrad

"Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life."
~ Red Auerbach

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Angel of Death

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Sat Sep 20, 2008 5:06 pm

Angel of Death says... · Sat Sep 20, 2008 5:06 pm

Whoa!!

Hey Ash,

Well, I must say, before I start, that I wish that I could have your luck. I mean I have Writer's Block constantly and when I do finally break from the streak anything I write doesn't turn out great...but this was amazing!!!
There were a couple of grammatical mistakes but if you read over you'll find them. They're pretty minor so its not that much of big deal. Also, the repetition of adjectives was another thing but it wasn't a big thing. It just bothered me. Try finding a different word for seductive. Just a suggestion.
All in all,
I can't believe this has been up here for like, forever and I haven't taken a look at it. I am so behind. I still have to read chapter two and three of a Dreamer's eyes. If I don't finish reading the whole thing, I hope all goes well and don't abandon it because I see you have quite a lot here that could probably easily be published because you are an amazing writer. Sorry if I couldn't be of much help.
Happy Writing,
-Angel

True love, in all it’s celestial charm, and
star-crossed ways, only exist in a writer’s
mind, for humans have not yet learned
how to manifest it.

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ashleylee

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Sat Sep 20, 2008 6:27 pm

ashleylee says... · Sat Sep 20, 2008 6:27 pm

Angel of Death:

Hey, it's okay. I am just as overwelmed right now with trying to catch up with everyone's work. I am so behind on reviews....

But anyway, thank you so much for reading this. Right now, this is like my major project so I'm glad you stopped by and read it. It's okay about A Dreamer's Eyes. Whenever you get around to reading it, it's okay. No pressure :wink:

Well, thank you again for reading! It means a lot!

"Woe to the man whose heart has not learned while young to hope, to love—and to put his trust in life."
~ Joseph Conrad

"Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life."
~ Red Auerbach

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StarDuster

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Fri Sep 26, 2008 7:30 pm

StarDuster says... · Fri Sep 26, 2008 7:30 pm

After Twilight, I have tried to read other vampire stories and they aren't the same or in comparison...

However, I really like what you have going. From what I've read (I know there's a lot more to it, and this is just the prologue...) this is really good. Great job.

Also, as people before me have said, it already seems unique to the whole vampire thing. I like people who work hard not to make anything cliche.

I look forward to reading more!

-StarDuster

"With every joy that passes
Something beautiful remains."

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ashleylee

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Fri Sep 26, 2008 11:24 pm

ashleylee says... · Fri Sep 26, 2008 11:24 pm

StarDuster:

Thank you!

I'm glad you thought that this was unique. I'm still trying to break away from all the other vampire novels out there and I'm glad to hear that someone thinks I am steering towards that.

I'm glad you liked this!

"Woe to the man whose heart has not learned while young to hope, to love—and to put his trust in life."
~ Joseph Conrad

"Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life."
~ Red Auerbach

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KJ

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Mon Oct 20, 2008 3:54 pm

KJ says... · Mon Oct 20, 2008 3:54 pm

So you know I edited all of this on the actual manuscript, but want to get a least a FEW points for all that work, so I'll just post my overall chapter impressions.

PROLOGUE: So my main problem was how you began sentences so many times with "I". That needs work. But I do like the passion and air of mystery in this.

Yeah. That was it. We both know I had a buttload of more corrections, but I'm too lazy to post them on the computer. So enjoy looking at that pencil-attacked manuscript

Going on.

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LittleBitCold

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Mon Oct 20, 2008 8:50 pm

LittleBitCold says... · Mon Oct 20, 2008 8:50 pm

First of all, you completely flooded the whole genre with your edited chapters. That's a little annoying. And second, I don't really like this story. I've read most of the chapters and I honestly think you're wasting your time. The cliches are spread thick and the characters are flat and the plot is entirely non-existent.

I would try to be nicer except that I haven't really seen anyone give you a review that really told you what you needed to hear. I think romance can be cute, funny, interesting, but you have made it insipid and dull. Sometimes I tell people just to edit when their stories end up being as cliche as yours, but it doesn't look like this one has much hope. The entire story is based on a cliche so there isn't much you can do.

Your writing, as in your talent with words, isn't that bad. But it is just completely wasted on this insult to all stories. I recently read a really good vampire story and I think you would benefit from reading it. Here's the link: topic34896.html

If you've already read the story it seems like you haven't learned from it so perhaps you should read it again.

I hope you decide to turn over a new leaf and stop wasting your time on a sordid imitations of a thousand other vampire fics. Feel free to read some actual books that might help you improve your imagination and perhaps gain your own writing style.

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KJ

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Fri Oct 24, 2008 4:44 pm

KJ says... · Fri Oct 24, 2008 4:44 pm

LittleBitCold:

I was the one who critiqued all of AshleyLee's chapters, so technically I was the one who "flooded the hole genre" with her edited chapters.

And by the way, that post was not constructive criticism. I'd try to put your words a little differently next time.

Kind regards,

KJ

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