Return to Milantis

Jamie_rocks · 2008-06-03T21:37:09Z

OK, this is just an idea that popped into my head one night, so even I don't think it's all that great. I wanted to see if people think I should stick with it or just let it fall. It's kind of childish, I know, but yeah, here it is. Oh yeah, it's not done yet, this is just the beginning, maybe a prologue or first chapter. “Are you sure?” Derien asked incredulously. King Ofusa nodded, “She’ll be safe there. As soon as the battle is won, we will come to fetch you both.” He tried to sound commanding and strong, but couldn’t stop his tail twitching with uncertainty and fear. His ocean blue eyes were shadowed with grief that he could not keep his daughter safe in his own kingdom. He looked down at a young baby, wrapped in a fine seaweed blanket and lying in a small, jeweled clamshell. Her red hair, an echo of her mother’s, was pulled back behind her, and one small thumb was in her mouth. The tip of her tail poked out from the blanket. He didn’t know how he could bare to send her away, knowing she would grow up believing another merman was her father.” He was muttering now. “I can’t let her stay here and be slaughtered. She is too young to remember this place. You can both live peaceful lives as humans until the invaders are driven off We’ll send a messenger to fetch you when it’s safe.” Derien didn’t respond, not entirely sure that the king was addressing him. For a moment they were both silent, trying to think of something to say. Just then Queen Tanya swam up behind her husband, the jewels on her crown twinkling in the artificial light. As if woken from a trance, they roused. Derien bowed his head to the royals. “I should stay here and fight for Milantis. Isn’t there another better suited to raise a child?” “Perhaps, but there is no other I would trust with the life of my daughter.” Derien didn’t reply. Touched as he was by the king’s trust in him, he couldn’t help worrying that he wasn’t the right type for the job. He had been trained as a warrior and advisor, the mermaids raised the children. It was pointless to argue any more, though; Queen Tanya was the only person who could change King Ofusa’s mind, and she agreed with him. Derien bent down to pick up the jeweled clam basket, and its precious burden, off the ocean floor. His whispered words were carried away by the swift current. Bowing once more to the king and queen, he turned and swam to the far distant shore. He stopped once and looked back, then turned away again and was gone, leaving only a trail of bubbles in his wake. Now that Derien was gone, King Ofusa no longer had to put on the bravado act, and he let his shoulders slump. He turned to Queen Tanya for comfort; troubled blue eyes locked onto confident green ones. For a moment he let himself get lost in their depths, worried about Ariana and Derien, uncertain whether the invaders would ever be driven off, reluctant to take his warriors into a battle they might not come back from. “The invaders will be driven off, and we will see them again.” The strength of Tanya’s conviction gleamed in her beautiful eyes. Then she turned away, and the moment was gone. “Come on, it’s time.” Squaring his shoulders once again, King Ofusa followed after his wife down the dark hallway. The outer chamber was dully lit by preserved Angler Fish that had, according to legend, been brought up by Neptune himself from the depths of the ocean that even the merpeople could not enter. Groups of mermen milled around in small groups, talking. The more experienced warriors floated with their chest puffed out, brandishing their weapons, the old-timers hung in groups, their eyes shining as they recalled previous battles, and the new kids tried to look tough, but couldn’t stop their tails from flicking anxiously. A servant brought up King Ofusa’s Trident, which was encased on the other side of the cavern. Trying to shake off uncertainty, he kissed his wife good-bye and swam to the front. He had to believe her. They would defeat the invaders, and Milantis would belong to the merfolk again. At once, the chatter stopped and the mermen came to attention. Their families were milling around the walls. As tearful relatives called out their final farewells from behind, King Ofusa bared his Trident and let out a battle cry, leading his warriors out into Open Ocean. They took shelter in clumps of sea grass and behind coral reefs. Weapons glinted dully in the faint, watery light, as their owners grew tense, swimming steadily and unknowingly into a trap. * * * * * Ariana woke suddenly. Sitting bolt upright in bed, she looked around wildly. The room was silent. “Just a nightmare,” she murmured. Still, she slid out of bed and padded across her room, the thick carpet muffling her footsteps, stumbling over stuffed animals and a Barbie Corvette. Stretching slightly to reach the doorknob, she opened the door and walked into the hallway towards an open door a few yard down. Ariana didn’t realize how loud her breathing was in the silence, didn’t wonder why the lumpy shape under the covers wasn’t snoring as usual. Instead, she pulled herself onto the bed and crawled to the top of the lump, where a head poked out of the covers. The eyes were open. “Daddy?” Ariana questioned. “Daddy, are you awake?” She shook his shoulder, a little worried now. “Daddy? Daddy wake up! Daddy?” She was crying. Tears leaked out of her eyes. “Stop it Daddy. Wake up!” He didn’t move. The eyes still stared up, glazed and sightless. She knew what to do; Mrs. Morrison had explained it to them in school. Sliding off the bed with a slight thump, she went to the phone. She dialed 911. The tears were really coming now. Mrs. Morrison told them they had to stay calm, but she couldn’t help it. The phone rang for a moment that lasted five years. The clam voice answered, “911. What’s your emergency?” Ariana explained haltingly between sobs, “My daddy… he won’t wake… up… I don’t… know what to do.” “Where do you live?” “Tuh-Two nine three s-six Wuh-Warren Court. I-in Mi-Mil-Mililani.” “Okay, it’s okay. I’m going to send people to help. Okay? Stay with me. The doctors are coming to help. It’s okay.” Ariana held on to that voice, trying to stop crying. She was scared. She didn’t really understand what happened when people left their bodies, but she had learned a little about it in church school. The voice on the other end stayed on the line, sounding calm and reassuring. Finally, there was a knock on the door. “Mrs. 911? I think the doctors are here,” Ariana said; her voice had calmed a little. She was still very scared, and she didn’t want to say good-bye to the lady, but she had to answer the door. Reluctantly, she replaced the phone in its cradle and padded down the hallway to the front door. The walls were covered with murals of the ocean floor. Her daddy had painted them. There were mermaids and dolphins and fish and things Ariana couldn’t begin to guess at. She got to the front door, almost unable to reach the lock, then she twisted it and stepped back as the “helpers” came in. They looked around, almost overlooking Ariana. Then a woman helper knelt down by her. “What happened?” Her voice was calm, like Mrs. 911, so Ariana talked to her. Seeing the scary looking helpers in their dark uniforms brought back her tears though, and she could hardly explain. “I ha-had… night-m-ma-mare. I… went i-into… D-D-Daddy’s… room… a-and he… he wuh-wouldn’t… answer… but his e-e-eyes… w-were… o-p-pen.” “Where’s your daddy’s room?” Ariana was sobbing now, so she just pointed down to open door. The dark-clad “helpers” went down there immediately. Only the nicer girl helper stayed behind. She led Ariana over to the couch. “What’s your name, Sweetheart?” “A-A-Ari-Ariana.” “Okay Ariana, my name is Lily. What’s your daddy’s name?” “D-Dave.” Lily started to say something else, but another helper had come up. He spoke briefly with Lily, grief in his eyes. Behind the back of the couch, out of Ariana’s range of sight, the rest of the helpers were carrying a stretcher out the front door. The one that had stopped to talk to Lily hurried after them. She turned to Ariana. “Do you know about the angels, Ariana?” “T-They t-t-teach me about t-th-them in ch-church s-sku-school. T-they live i-in H-heaven.” “Well, Ariana, your daddy has gone to sleep with the angels in the skies. He’s happy there.” Ariana didn’t really understand everything about going to live with the angels, but her church school teacher promised them it was a good place. “W-Why didn’t he t-ta-take m-me?” Lily winced. After a moment of thought she said. “Because you’re too young. He didn’t want you to go see the angels so soon. In years and years you can go sleep there, too.” “B-But I m-muh-miss h-him.” “If you’re a good girl you’ll see him again when you go to see the angels.” Ariana was still too young to fully grasp the concept of death. What she did know was that the man she thought (and still believed to be) her daddy was gone. She started crying even harder, tears pouring out. Lily hugged her tightly, soothingly stroking the little girl’s long, fiery red hair, until finally, Ariana, still crying, fell asleep.

Jamie_rocks

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Sun Jul 13, 2008 11:32 pm

Jamie_rocks says... · Sun Jul 13, 2008 11:32 pm

Okay, thanks. I edited all the typos. I'm horrible with that. I"m almost done with the next part, and I'll post it soon.

Alcohol, Tobacco, & Firearms should be a convenience store, not a government agency.

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Clo

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Mon Jul 14, 2008 11:06 pm

Clo says... · Mon Jul 14, 2008 11:06 pm

Hey Jamie!

Intro: The story starts in a strange place. You drop us down into the middle of a a big event and it's kind of awkward at first.

Ooh, mermaids! I have sufficient lack of mermaid stories in my life. =)

He didn’t know how he could bare to send her away, knowing she would grow up believing another merman was her father.”

Bare is to "bare skin" or something. Should be "bear". Also, ditch the quotation mark at the end.

twinkling in the artificial light

Where is the artificial light coming from?

He had been trained as a warrior and advisor, the mermaids raised the children

Comma should be a semi-colon.

Wait - that woman that came with the ambulance crew - how does she know her father is dead? You mention that she stays with Ariana, so she really has no way of knowing the actual state of her father, and then she begins telling her he's in heaven. You need to fix this, because as it is, it's hasty and a little morbid.

With that, I also have to mention that your plot pace is much too fast. You need to slow it down, add more descriptions, more emotions and thoughts so we don't feel so thrown into the storyline.

Characterization is good. I can really get a sense of the King's anguish over his daughter. Poor father.

I think you should continue because I'd really like to find out some things, like how Ariana lost her tail, and if Dave was Darien.

Thanks for the read! I hope I helped. PM me if you have any questions. =)

How am I not myself?

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Jamie_rocks

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Thu Jul 17, 2008 12:33 am

Jamie_rocks says... · Thu Jul 17, 2008 12:33 am

Okay thanks, I'm editing it now, and still working on the next part.

Alcohol, Tobacco, & Firearms should be a convenience store, not a government agency.

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