Beyond Avolon- Chapter 1 rewritten

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This is Chapter 1 again, but i rewrote it.

____________________________________

{Chapter 1}

The three moons of Avolon set in the southeastern sky while the sun rose behind them. The Moon Blossom closed its petals as the Sol Flora opened its own, welcoming the star’s light and warmth. The griffins of the southern seas opened their molten gold eyes as the dragons of the northern mountains closed their feathery raven like wings. Their dark red eyes closed while the sun crept into their cave homes. The basilisks of the east retreated into their cold, underground homes as the snow white unicorns of the west watched the sun make its way across the sky.

A single being silently witnessed this beautiful transition from night to day. Her long, wavy chestnut hair hung loose, draping over her shoulders. Her bright green eyes watched intently as the sun rose and the guards changed their posts. She had an hourglass figure, her skin was tanned and her elfin ears stuck out from beneath her hair. Iswin Lallo sighed as she watched the moons leave the sky and the sun emerge. The twelfth princess of Bohar was already dressed in her trademark attire. Her loose fitting vest rested on top of her loose, baggy shirt. Her pants were made of the lightest cloth she could find, tucked into her father’s old hunting boots that were scuffed and worn. Her mother always stuck up her long nose at this, saying how unladylike and unrefined Iswin looked, saying:

“This is not how a princess should dress, especially not a princess of Bohar.”

The kingdom of Bohar was once a safe haven for all of the refugees during the Great War four hundred years ago. Now, it was the highest kingdom in Avolon, a land that was now prospering with life, wealth, and peace. Famine, plague and war are considered fairly tales now, long since tales that parents tell their children so that the morals were learn so nothing like that happened.

There were five kingdoms in Avolon. Ethyl to the north, Farres to the east, Digrad to the west and Honpleen to the south and Bohar at the very center of Avolon. There have always been tensions between the kingdoms but they were never bad enough to fladge a full out war about them. The rulers of the kingdoms were afraid of the stories their mothers had told them about wars and were terrified of fighting in one. Even the dictator ruler of Honpleen never lead his people to war.

Iswin sighed again, watching a few birds fly across the sky. She smiled as she felt the morning breeze hit her face, fluttering her hair and shirt slightly. She listened hard, waiting for the sounds of her sisters awakening.

Loud screams radiated through Bohar and Iswin snickered.

“The dreaded Iswin strikes again, I see,” said a high, small voice. Iswin looked around to see a small pixie, flying toward her. She had small dragonfly like wings and had stern, light blue eyes with no pupils.

Iswin shrugged. “Hey,” she said. “If you have a gift, use it.”

“But against your sisters?”

“They deserved it,” snorted Iswin, not looking at her guardian. “They always deserve it.”

“Why?” asked the pixie. “Why do they always deserve it?” Iswin didn’t answer. “Alright, why did they deserve it this time?”

“They insulted…they insulted…” Her throat became suddenly dry. Her hands balled into a fist and her eyes narrowed. “They insulted…Jaddrn.”

Jaddrn Lallo was the eldest of the young rulers of Bohar. He went to seek his fortune and destiny else where, not wanting to rule the great kingdom until he saw the rest of Avolon. That was twelve years ago. Many called him dead, saying he died as soon has he left the safety of the palace but Iswin didn’t believe it, she never had. She still believed that her brother lived and was still adventuring Avolon. Her sisters however, thought otherwise.

“Iswin…” whispered the pixie, wiping away the tear from Iswin’s eye but Iswin pushed her away.

“Forget it Toola,” she said. “It’s not your fault.”

The door swung open with a bang.

Iswin turned to see her eleven sisters covered in moat water, spots of what looked like dead cockoroaches and thick, slimy vines from the Gemsulian bog that Iswin had gathered the day before. A strong aura of magic wafted into the room like a ghost like snake , slithering threw the air. Her sisters’ hair was sticking up in odd angles due to generous amounts of devroo tree sap.

“What happened girls?” Iswin asked, leaning against her window as Toola tried not to laugh at the eleven princesses. “Did you upset a devroo tree spirit?”

“Don’t play innocent, Iswin,” said Fledi, wiping moat water out of her long, deep black hair and light brown eyes. “We know it was you.”

“Moi?” Iswin gasped, dramatically, placing her hand over her heart. “I would never. What would give you that idea?”

“You are the only one not covered in...in disgusting stuff!” Ja said, plucking a cockroach out of her short, curly golden hair. she shrieked, dropping it to the ground before stepping on it, then glaring at Iswin with those shrill hazel eyes.

“I prayed for the devroo tree spirit to spare me,” Iswin said. “And I presented it with gifts.”

“We aren’t stupid, Iswin,” said Bathra. She was the eldest of the twelve sisters. She had long, platinum blond hair and sky blue eyes, the perfect princess. “We know it was you. There are no such things as devroo tree spirits.”

“Have you ever seen one?”

“No, and that’s why they don’t exist.”

“I’ve seen them,” said Iswin, darkly. “They are black as tar with eyes as red as fresh blood. Their teeth are white so that, in the dark, they glow like the moons themselves. Their hands are like claws, so sharp, they can cut down a tree with one slice.” Iswin began to advance on her sisters who backed out of their sister’s room. “And if they catch you alone, and disrespecting one of their trees…they’ll get you!” A tar black hand fell on Bathra’s shoulder and she screamed.

“The devroo tree spirits! They’re after me!” The eleven girls screamed and ran toward their rooms as Iswin laughed. She still didn’t understand how her eleven, sheltered, older sisters were afraid of their own shadows.

“That never gets old,” she laughed, whipping a tear from her eye.

“You described the tree spirits quite nicely,” said Toola, tossing the black stick onto Iswin’s bed. “Borsain will be pleased.”

“I’m just glad he went along with it.”

“You do know that your sisters are going to tell your parents, right?”

“So?”

“So,” said Toola as Iswin picked up her bag. “You are going to get into trouble again.”

“Not if they don’t catch me first.”

“You’re not-” but before Toola could finish her sentence, Iswin jumped out her window.

“She did,” muttered Toola, diving out of the window after the princess. At that moment, four guards ran into the room.

“She disappeared again!” said one.

“How does she do that?” asked another.

“Maybe she jumped out the window,” said the third.
“And grew wings and flew,” said the fourth, hitting his fellow guard on the head. “She can’t have jumped out the window, she’s a princess and we’re at the top of the highest tower. She must have walked right past us.” The other three shrugged and, together, they left the room.

______________________________________

What do you think? Chapter 2 will be up soon.
Last edited by Lady of Fire on Sat Nov 01, 2008 2:28 pm, edited 7 times in total.
When searching for something secret, look under every rock.

When hiding something secret, take notice to every shadow.

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Lady of Fire wrote:This is Chapter 1 again, but i rewrote it.

Oops. I think I posted on the old thread while you were posting this one. Some of my comments still apply, though. But this is a great improvement from the first version, in my opinion. :wink:

Her mother always stuck up her long nose at this, saying how unladylike and unrefined Iswin looked. Saying:

I think you just need a comma after looked. Saying shouldn't really be a new sentence; that just makes it a fragment. You could even include the dialogue in this paragraph and it would still work.

That was 12 years ago.

I know that technically since we're on computers, anything over 10 can be typed and you can get away with it, but isn't all writing intended for print, really? Plus, you wrote out "four hundred" earlier, so I would go ahead and type out t"twelve" here, just to avoid breaking up the visual flow of the sentence.

“She disappeared AGAIN!” said one.

The underline and caps are unnecessary. Just italicize the word "again" and I think you'll be fine. For stylistic things like this, just consider what you usually see in print (I can bet it's not underline and caps).

Over all, I sense great change in you... er, your writing. (Sometimes talk like Yoda I must, apologize I do.) I bet Chapter 2 will be even better.
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Hey! I'll try not to repeat everything the person above me did.
Here's my review key:
Red = Comments
Bold = words/phrases/sentences that I think would work better. Depending what mood I'm in I strikethrough what I didn't think worked or I just delete it and put in my bold stuff. You don't have to use the bold things I put in, they're just ways to get you thinking differently about the way you've written it
Okay, enough about that. Onto the review!
Lady of Fire wrote:This is Chapter 1 again, but i rewrote it.

____________________________________

{Chapter 1}

The three moons of Avolon set in the southeastern sky while the sun rose behind them. [s]The[/s] A moon blossom closed its petals as the sol flora opened its own, welcoming the star’s light and warmth. What exactly do these flowers look like? please describe them. I have no idea what either of them are :-) The griffins of the southern seas opened their molten gold eyes as the dragons of the northern mountains closed their feathery raven-like wings. Their dark red eyes closed You used closed in the sentence before this one. try not to repeat words. [s]until the moons called upon their presence again[/s] [s]while[/s] as the sun crept into their cave homes. I recommend you take out the end of that sentence starting with until and ending at again. The basilisks of the east retreated into their cold, underground homes as the snow white unicorns of the west watched the sun make its way across the sky.

A single being witnessed this beautiful transition. I've never been a fan of the word this so I suggest you try to change that sentence. Instead say something like, A single being silently witnessed the beautiful transition from day to night Her long, straight chestnut hair hung loose as her bright green eyes watched the sun and the guards change their posts. Too much information in one sentence. Try to split up your thoughts. If her hair is hanging loose, it's probably hanging loose around her shoulders. (insert a period after the loose around her shoulders part). Then say Her bright green eyes watched in awe as the sun rose and the guards changed their posts. She had an hourglass figure, her skin was tanned and her elfin ears stuck out from beneath her hair. Iswin Lallo sighed as she watched the moons leave the sky and the sun emerge. The twelfth princess of Bohar was already dressed in her trademark attire. Her loose fitting vest rested on top of her loose, baggy shirt. Her pants were made of the lightest cloth she could find, tucked into her father’s old hunting boots that were scuffed and worn. Her mother always stuck up her long nose at this, saying how unladylike and unrefined Iswin looked. Saying:

“This is not how a princess should dress, especially not a princess of Bohar.”

The kingdom of Bohar was once a safe haven for all of the refugees during the Great War four hundred years ago. Now, it was the highest kingdom in Avolon, a land that was now prospering with life, wealth, and peace. Famine, plague and war are considered fairly tales now, long since tales that parents tell their children so that the morals were learn so nothing like that happened

There were five kingdoms in Avolon. Ethyl to the north, Farres to the east, Digrad to the west and Honpleen to the south and Bohar at the very center of Avolon. There have always been tensions between the kingdoms but they were never bad enough to fledge a full out war about them. The rulers of the kingdoms were afraid of the stories their mothers had told them about wars and were terrified of fighting in one. Even the dictator ruler of Honpleen never lead his people to war.. I like that you're informing us of the history but too much description and too much info dump can cause your readers to become a little bored. Instead look back over your passages. See if you need to include the entire east, west, north south thing, maybe try to delete one or two and then try to intertwine your info with your story. Don't just have a random paragraph.


Iswin sighed again, watching a few birds fly across the sky. She smiled as she felt the morning breeze hit her face, fluttering her hair and shirt slightly. She listened hard, waiting for the sounds of her sisters awakening.

Loud screams radiated through Bohar and Iswin snickered.

“The dreaded Iswin strikes again, I see,” said a high, small voice. Iswin looked around to see a small pixie, flying toward her. She had [s]smal[/s]l dragonfly-like wings and [s]had[/s] stern, light blue eyes with no pupils.

Iswin shrugged. “Hey,” she said. “If you have a gift, use it.”

“But against your sisters?”

“They deserved it,” snorted Iswin, not looking at her guardian. “They always deserve it.”

“Why?” asked the pixie. “Why do they always deserve it?” Iswin didn’t answer. “Alright, why did they deserve it this time?”

“They insulted…they insulted…” Her throat became suddenly dry. “They insulted…Jaddrn.” She doesn't seem like she was angry. Maybe show us a bit more of her emotions before so this doesn't seem so abrupt.

Jaddrn Lallo was the eldest of the young rulers of Bohar. He went to seek his fortune and destiny else where, not wanting to rule the great kingdom until he saw the rest of Avolon. That was 12 years ago. Many called him dead, saying he died as soon has he left the safety of the palace but Iswin didn’t believe it, she never had. She [s]still[/s] believed that her brother lived and was still adventuring Avolon. Her sisters however, [s]never believed in their brother[/s] thought otherwise.

“Iswin…” whispered the pixie, wiping away the tear from Iswin’s eye but Iswin pushed her away.

“Forget it Toola,” she said. “It’s not your fault.”

The door swung open with a bang.

Iswin turned to see her eleven sisters covered in whipped cream, candy cockroaches and jelly snakes. This seeemed like a mythical city to me and when you introduce modern candy it threw off my sense of place. Try to stick with your setting Her sisters’ hair was sticking up in odd angles due to generous amounts of devroo tree sap.

“What happened girls?” Iswin asked, leaning against her window as Toola tried not to laugh at the eleven princesses. “Did you upset a devroo tree spirit?”

“Don’t play innocent, Iswin,” said Fledi, wiping whipped cream out of her [s]long, deep black hair and[/s] light brown eyes. “We know it was you.”

“Moi?” Iswin gasped, dramatically, placing her hand over her heart. “I would never. What would give you that idea?”

“You are the only one not covered in sugar,” Ja said, plucking a candy cockroach out of her short, curly golden hair before glaring at Iswin with those shrill hazel eyes.

“I prayed for the devroo tree spirit to spare me,” Iswin said. “And I presented it with gifts.”

“We aren’t stupid, Iswin,” said Bathra. She was the eldest of the twelve sisters. She had long, platinum blond hair and sky blue eyes, [s]the perfect princess[/s]. “We know it was you. There are no such things as devroo tree spirits.”

“Have you ever seen one?”

“No, and that’s why they don’t exist.”

“I’ve seen them,” said Iswin, darkly. “They are black as tar with eyes as red as fresh blood. Their teeth are white so that, in the dark, they glow like the moons themselves. Their hands are like claws, so sharp, they can cut down a tree with one slice.” Iswin began to advance on her sisters who backed out of their sister’s room. “And if they catch you alone, and disrespecting one of their trees…they’ll get you!” A tar black hand fell on Bathra’s shoulder and she screamed.

“The devroo tree spirits! They’re after me!” The eleven girls screamed and ran toward their rooms as Iswin laughed. She still didn’t understand how her eleven, sheltered sisters were afraid of their own shadows. The older ones don't seem to be that gullible.

“That never gets old,” she laughed, whipping a tear from her eye.

“You described the tree spirits quite nicely,” said Toola, tossing the black stick onto Iswin’s bed. “Borsain will be pleased.”

“I’m just glad he went along with it.”

“You do know that your sisters are going to tell your parents, right?”

“So?”

“So,” said Toola as Iswin picked up her bag. “You are going to get into trouble again.”

“Not if they don’t catch me first.”

“You’re not-” but before Toola could finish her sentence, Iswin jumped out her window.

“She did,” muttered Tolla, diving out of the window after the princess. At that moment, four guards ran into the room.

“She disappeared AGAIN!” said one.

“How does she do that?” asked another.

“Maybe she jumped out the window,” said the third.
“And grew wings and flew,” said the fourth, hitting his fellow guard on the head. “She can’t have jumped out the window, she’s a princess and we’re at the top of the highest tower. She must have walked right past us.” The other three shrugged and, together, they left the room.

______________________________________

What do you think? Chapter 2 will be up soon.


Overall Comments:
I skimmed the rest of the story. It seems interesting. Just a few comments

Plot:
I like the way you developed your world. There weren't many actions in this chapter but that's understandable because it's only the first one. Anyway, I suggest you tell us why she jumps out the window in the first place and why the guards are after her. I was very confused by the ending. Are they just going after her to protect her or something?

Characters:
Watch out for your characters. Try not to make her emotions jump around too much. It can get a little distracting. Show usu justification for Iswin's emotions.

General/Other comments:
I noticed you had a lot of dialogue. Dialogue is great because it moves the story along but you want to remember the saying that "you can walk and talk at the same time". Put action into your dialogue. She wouldn't just be standing around talking to someone. Also dialogue is an excellent place to weave in inofrmation about your setting. You know how I remarked on your info-dump in the beginning? Try to put that information in between the dialogue, maybe her thoughts flit back to some of the history of the place or her brother, those kinds of things.

Other than that, well done! I didn't read your original one but this was pretty good so you probably improved! If you have any questions, feel free to PM me. :D




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As I reread the chapter, I did realize that my sentences were a little lengthy. So I will need to work on that.

Also, I felt I needed to included were the kingdoms were located. This will come in handy, not only for me but for the readers in later chapters. But, I will admit that I was having trouble on where to put the information so I just put it in that paragraph. If you could give me some idea on where to put it, that would be awesome! :D

Some of the descriptions I left out, I did on purpose. They will be addressed and described later in the story. This way, you actually see the object when Iswin does.

And about the candy, I put those in there, thinking that they weren't really candy. I needed to put something in there that might scare Iswin's sisters but, at the same time be completely harmless. If you could give me some ideas on that too, that would be great.

I hope that, despite all of my errors, you will continue to read the story. I hope to get better and the adventure has yet to begin. Chapter 2 will be up soon! ^-^
When searching for something secret, look under every rock.

When hiding something secret, take notice to every shadow.

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ok, Chapter 2 is now up. Just for the update.
When searching for something secret, look under every rock.

When hiding something secret, take notice to every shadow.

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I actually thought the same thing about the candy.

Maybe it's some sort of spell that creates the illusion of being covered in bugs and goo, when really it's not there - not tangible? It just looks gross/bad.
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Wow, it was just like I was reading from a book. This is really good. The very beginning paragraph sets a great mood, and setting. I had a perfect picture in my mind the whole time. I haven't read your first draft, but this is really good. Keep writing definitely. Also, the speech is really good. I can already tell what kind of woman this is. =]
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ok, i fixed the candy thing. i hope this is better.
When searching for something secret, look under every rock.

When hiding something secret, take notice to every shadow.

-Me




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ok, i fixed chapter 2 so everyone can read it now. just for ANOUTHER update. ^-^
When searching for something secret, look under every rock.

When hiding something secret, take notice to every shadow.

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[aka]eliza wrote:Wow, it was just like I was reading from a book. This is really good. The very beginning paragraph sets a great mood, and setting. I had a perfect picture in my mind the whole time. I haven't read your first draft, but this is really good. Keep writing definitely. Also, the speech is really good. I can already tell what kind of woman this is. =]


Completely agree. With this i can actually read and it flows, rather then read, and have to figure out what's happening.


I like the way you set the scene, didn't doubt it for one minute and had a constant picture the whole time. Definitely keep writing :)




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thanks. the reason, i think, it sounds like this is because when i envision the scene, i see it like a movie and discribe it like that. to me discribing a picture is much easier to me than summerizing a paragraph.
When searching for something secret, look under every rock.

When hiding something secret, take notice to every shadow.

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Okay, I think everyone else has pretty much covered everything...
But, I love this! Its awesome an I would greatly love to read more! An your description was incredible! I don't really think this is a great reviews but I oh well, keep writing!




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Yeah, you got some really good reviews. I don't know if there's anything I can cover that hasn't been covered already, but I'll read your story and give it a shot.

Famine, plague and war are considered fair[s]l[/s]y tales now. Long since tales that parents tell their children so that the morals were learned so nothing like that happened.
Those must be some morbid fairy tales :)

There have always been tensions between the kingdoms, but they were never bad enough to fledge a full out war about them


Even the dictator ruler of Honpleen never lead his people to war.
This insinuates that dictators are more war mongreling than kings. I'm not an advocate of dictatorships, but I don't think that's necessarily true. Even dictators need to excersice caution, and though I don't know much about them, I assume they're usually satisfied with what they have, even if it's a small country. I'm not a history buff, but I don't know of any wars that Fidel Castro started, except perhaps in acquiring cuba.

A strong aura of magic wafted into the room like a ghost like snake , slithering through the air.
These type of mistakes are really common :)

“What happened. girls?”


“You are the only one not covered in...in disgusting stuff!”


Ja said, plucking a cockroach out of her short, curly golden hair. She shreaked, dropping it to the ground before steping on it, then glared at Iswin with those shrill hazel eyes.


“She couldn't have jumped out the window, she’s a princess and we’re at the top of the highest tower.


The story's cute. There was of couse, some spelling and grammar mistakes, but not much other than that.



here is the deepest secret nobody knows (here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows higher than the soul can home or mind can hide) and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)
— e.e. cummings