Farewell the Fallen

**this is an unfinished poem, but have at it, tell me what you think, **



Farewell the fallen heros
Farewell to the courageous and the bold
Farewell the Thunder Child,
Farewell the Light Brigade,
Companions in life
and brothers in death
Farewell Joan of Arc
Farewell William Wallace
Marytrs to freedom.
Farewell Gandhi
Farewell Christ
Farewell Achilles,
Farewell Martin Luther King, Jr.
Farewell JFK
Farewell those who have fallen
For their pride, for their land,
for the honor of their forefathers,
Farewelll those who died in the name of peace
and in the name of war
And those who died in the name of freedom
Yours should be better than forgotten.
Remember them

Too many farewells. This is all rather unimaginative. You have some sort of meaning, granted,

Farewelll those who died in the name of peace
and in the name of war
And those who died in the name of freedom
Yours should be better than forgotten.
Remember them

But it is rather blandly expressed and expressed rather too simply. Your poem at the moment consists of several lines simply bidding farewell to various people or groups and then ends with the most interesting part of the poem, the fact that they should not be forgotten. Personally, everything up to there wasn't at all useful or purposeful.

What you need to do is rewrite the poem so it no longer reads like a list of farewells. Cut them down, make it more concise and focus more upon what it is that you want to say about how they shouldn't be forgotten. Give a few example of how they have or perhaps more importantly why they have. The ideals behind it would provide something more important to present.

I agree with all of Mad's comments. I reads like a boring history list from a textbook. The poem lacks emotion, poetic devices and a sound rhythm or structure. I think this would be better split up into stanzas, and you would do well next time to show more and tell less. Perhaps use countries, colours or other words to present these fallen heros. Use an aspect of their story, biography or morals and you will connect with the reader more.

Good luck,

Eimear

These other two posters basically said what I would've...try to make it a bit more creative; try to describe the fallen heroes, or maybe try describing their exploits in each line. That's the best I can say for ya.

I agree with all the above posters...took all my ideas. Except for two: First, the idea behind the poem is great. Good psychic weight. However, this leads me to point two: it was ruined with the blase and bland nature of the way the poem was written. Its just a list of farewells. Use poetic/literary devices, and use more precise diction. With a little fine tuning, this could be a great poem.

this poem had a lot of history to it and was well kind of boring, just like in stories you have to have a hook. also it was a bit redundant with the farewells. i agree what eilmer and krupp had to say, so take that all in and try to make it better, make it mor intersting and take out most of the farewells and it might become a poignant piece that touches history in a good way
good luck
keep trying and never give up
---Jon---

well, i kind of agree to the person above who said that there were too many farewells. I understand totally that that is the idea and the essence of the poem, and definately don't get rid of them all, but i think there are ways that you can improve a lot. for example...
Farewell to the courageous and the bold
it's a lovely line, really, but you have more lines that express this in a more original way to you. i'm not sure if you need it, as it's sort of explained through other parts of the poem.
another thing, that you may or may not agree with me on, is that perhaps this list in the middle detracts a little from the poem...
Farewell Joan of Arc

Farewell William Wallace

Marytrs to freedom.

Farewell Gandhi

Farewell Christ

Farewell Achilles,

Farewell Martin Luther King, Jr.

Farewell JFK

i think that the list is unnecessary. You say 'Martyrs to freedom' etc., and that is enough. Also, keeping it simple and not naming too many people i think will benefit the poem, as it leaves people, perhaps to think of their own heroes and people that they personally think should be honoured. Can you see what i mean? i don't want to get the wrong end of the stick - this poem's purpose might be to list your own heroes. However, i just think it might help.

By the way, i love some of the lines in this poem.
'died in the name of peace,
and of war'
(if i've quoted it right) is my favourite line. It's lovely. Is it a paradox? i might have the wrong definition.

Anyway, i think that although there is work that can be done, this poem is wonderful. You've ended up with a thoughtful piece that's well worth reading, although there are bits that can be taken from it to add to effect, if you think it's the right thing to do.

Well done, keep up the philosiph-ising (improvised word!) and i hope that i've helped in some way or another.

from Charlie.