Between Darkness and Dawn

I'm not sure how to describe this without telling the whole book, but it's told where the first chapter is the present and the next is a flashback, ect. Hope you like it.

PASSWORD:
Hey--sorry about the password but I'm not sure how to take it off. The password is carsonlayne.

Fo a short taste (the first page or so) see here: post367067.html

P.S., link to novel journal: www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic31426.html
P.S.S. title suggestions would be greatly appreciated!

PSSS: Poll: Which is a better title
A. Shots in the Dark
B. Dysphoria
C. Keep it the same


EDIT: This is the full version (as of A. 27 ), please disregard all old "chapter x-y" posts below.

This was a great start so far...I'm really enjoying this.

There are maybe one or two grammar issues, but besides that, the piece was written well. The imagery is great, and so is Carson. He was well written and fascinating to follow along.

I would try establishing when he's thinking something though; twice I noticed something strange in the italics sections where it seems somebody is thinking something, and it took me a full minute each time to realize it was Carson. So try to make it clear when he's thinking something, and seperate that from the normal italicized words, and I think that would really make this even better than it was..

Thanks. Yeah, this was originally written chronologically, instead of in flashbacks, so when I italicized the parts I was going to change the thought parts but I guess I forgot. Oops.

Hey, CK! I'm here, as promised.

I haven't read this (though I did read the parts you posted on the Other Fiction section), but I skimmed through it. One quick comment: don't put the flashbacks in italics. Just put them in there. The reader can figure out that you're speaking of the past, the italics just look ugly. Really.

Thanks. Working on revisions!

'Ello, I had free time so I finished Chapter 5 and 6. I started to edit, but then I started getting worked up about word choice and asked my friend Kate about 4 times if she liked who or whom better, and she squirted milk at me(that stuff can be sticky in a hot lunchroom). So I decided to save the edits for the end. Enjoy!

P.S. (Questions for after you read this part)

1. Thumbs up/down for Becky being a smoker?
2. Is Carson seeming a bit whiny? (That's not quite the right word, but you get my meaning.)

Here are chapters 7 and 8, too.

Whoo, I finally finished the first few chapters!

I'm sorry it took me so long...
Anyway, on the first page or so I basically picked out anything that was not perfect in my eyes, which you very well may disagree with in some places.

After that I went on to just giving you little comments or slightly tweaking things to give you an alternative you may want to consider.

Also I picked out an article about word choice from the knowledge base that might be interesting for you, not that there's something wrong with your wording though. [url=http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/viewarticlebody.php?t=19742]Just some good tips.
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And now: Praise! I really enjoyed reading it. Those two cops are just too cute. Wonderful dialog and I really love your characters

I'm really sorry for the delay!

Keep working on it!
~Kalliope

Hey CK,

here's a crit for the next two chapters! Comments and changes are inside. I really loved chapter seven, while chapter six was okay, but somehow a bit boring, because in Carson's present nothing has actually happened for a while. He just seems so ... lifeless.

As to your questions:

1. Thumbs up/down for Becky being a smoker?
Why not? It doesn't repulse me and she's pretty exotic, so I wasn't exactly surprised. It doesn't really match Carson, but you explained why he puts up with it and all, so go for it!

2. Is Carson seeming a bit whiny? (That's not quite the right word, but you get my meaning.)
Hmm... well as I said before: Due to the fact that nothing actually happens and changes in the present tense and all he ever does is think of Becky and get reminded of her it gets a bit long-winded. I think that's the main problem. He doesn't really think of anything else and it's just drags a little. So some action in his present in the next parts would be good or even some thoughts on other things would be refreshing.

Other than that, yay!

Hokey-dokey,

here are the next two. What I noticed was that we already know a lot of the things from these chapters. Despite that they are very good and I'm not quite sure how to handle that problem. I think it may be better to take out some of the information in the beginning and then let it be new information in this part, perhaps. I'm not sure how that would work. but maybe it's worth thinking about.

Hope my critique helps, keep working on this!

~Kalliope

Hello!

This is only my second time critiquing in Advanced Critiques, so I apologize ahead of time if I don't do this right.

My review is only of the first five chapters.

Here it is and Hopefully it helps!

Hello again!

Here is my chapter 5-6 review!

It was kind of mostly on the plot development and stuff because you really didn't make any mistakes, grammatical or with spelling.

But I hope it helps anyway!

Hiya…again.

I know, I did all of your chapters in one day…but your story was so good…it was hard to stop reading. Which is a compliment in itself!

Again, there wasn’t many errors at all so I did another plot review/thingy.

Hopefully I’m helping!

Full version as of Nov. 16 now up!