poetry

It Started with a Bird

If i was a feather
That fell from a bird.
I would cross the sea.
And go see the world.

I would fly to Paris,
To see the Eiffel Tower.
And then to Rome.
To experience the power.

I might go to Florida ,
To bask in the sun.
Or maybe New York.
For some shopping fun.

And then maybe ,
When I'm done.
Traveling everywhere

I'll fly to a homeless shelter
And land in a little girls hair ...

Prucila - Welcome to YWS! Maybe you missed the Rules, so I'll just fill you in quickly. We ask that you do two critiques before posting work of your own, so get critiquing! If you have any questions, please private message me or a moderator/junior mod (dark green/light green names).

-Colleen

Hello Welcome to YWS by the way. Not bad as the first poem but it was kind of cliche by that I mean so vague and original. No imagery which makes a poem fun or interesting to read.
grammar and punctuation was good just it was kind of boring to me but I liked it. Sounds confusing I know.

If you have any questions about what i said feel free to pm me anytime.

See you around.

GordonRamsayLuver

thanks for the quotes i will try to write something of my better work later. like one of my storys and poems dearly beloved bye

hey! nice!!!! I thought it was a great poem!!!!!!

I really loved the way you wrote:

And then maybe ,

When I'm done.

Traveling everywhere



I'll fly to a homeless shelter

And land in a little girls hair ...

I thought that was so.....meaning full in a way. Like you could make a homeless little girl happy by landing there. Because being little once, we all kno how happy it makes a little girl feel.good job.

It's got a nice sound to it and flows very smoothly, but as others have said, it's a little dull. Be visual with your choice of words and make sure you really know what message you're trying to get across to us.

I have to point out two reviews before you post.

Really cute poem though.

Prucila wrote:It Started with a Bird

If i was a feathercapitalize the "i"
That fell from a bird.replace the point with a comma
I would cross the sea.delete the point
And go see the world.

I would fly to Paris,
To see the Eiffel Tower.
And then to Rome. delete the point, again
To experience the power.

I might go to Floridano empty space here ,
To bask in the sun.
Or maybe to, I'd sayNew York.
For some shopping fun. little empty, don't you think?

And then maybeno empty space here ,
When I'm done. delete the point, again
Traveling everywhere

I'll fly to a homeless shelter
And land in a little girl's hair ...sweet ending

So I fixed the main mistakes here. All in all, I think this was a cute one, but maybe you should add some length in it? At least try it and see.

Nothing more about the poem, but I have to say about the two-reviews-before-you-post thing. So that you won't forget it.

I'll see you around!
Demeter xx

i liked what you wrote but ( here comes the critisizing )
um, it was a little random and all over the place with rome, paris, new york, and florida. i did like that in the end it ended with it becoming a gift to a homeless girl
keep trying
you can do it
keep practicing, you will get better as all writers do when they have a passion for it.!!!!!!
Good start, keep going down the road of writing

Nice job. Kinda spacey but I really enjoyed the ending, It was a good first one though.. a little dull but it just needs some visuals and your good to go!