Chapter Two of Chasing The Sun

Taken down at author's discretion.

Hey. lol. I loved how you dont know their both guys until the end. It was great.

Wow. Just... Wow. You've out done yourself once again. Awesome work, dude!

This is good, but I think you might want to be careful that you don't fall into the same mold every time you go to write a romance - something to look out for.

I tried to squirm out of those arms, but all I succeeded at was kicking my pajama pants off. “Brilliant!” I hissed. A gasp escaped my throat as the arms pulled me closer to the wall. Slowly, I managed to turn around in that vise, only to find myself staring at Steven’s face less than a centimeter away.

“Oh, my God…” I murmured. I put my hands on his chest and slowly inched away. Steven’s eyes flickered open. A smile curved his lips upward as he saw my face, bubbling over in a chuckle as I resumed my escape to get away from his grasp.

“Why are you so uptight about you and me in the same bed together?” Steven’s smile was fading now. I gave up the escape, telling him, “My friends. They are kind of…eh?”

“Oh.” Clearly Steven had gotten the message. The smile was reassuring now, “I don’t like you in that way. Don’t worry; we won’t end up being in bed for the last five days.”

“Steven!” my hand hit his chest. He only laughed, pulling me to his chest. His smell of musk, sweat and deodorant mingled together in my nostrils. I couldn’t help putting my arms around him too. It felt so nice, so comforting…

“I haveta take shower,” I mumbled against his shirt a few moments later. Steven let go of me and I climbed out of bed.

My problem with this is that is sort of seems like Steven really is making a move on the narrator. Too much of a move for it to be doubted. If the bed is kingsize, then there should be enough room for both to take different sides, and there wouldn't be a space issue, and this probably wouldn't happen

No,” Steven shook his head almost sadly. But he had no idea how wrong he was going to be.

Laying the foreshadowing on a bit thick, eh? I noticed that you had a similar line at the end of last chapter. You don't need it. While we can kind of assume that the two are going to fall in love, and we're looking forward to seeing how that happens, these lines are kind of like hitting the reader over the head with an anvil, saying, "Hey! Hey, Here's what's going to happen!"

You're better than that, I think. I also think that foreshadowing should never be that blatant.

And now, on speaker tags. You used quite a bit of speaker tags that are different than said. Now, nothing wrong with a little variety, but I don't suggest neglecting the word said. One very good writer on another website once said that said is a word that we have a tendency to ignore, so we can use it as much as we want. Other words, we notice.

I started to notice the other words towards the end. While you can pull it off most of the time, try to not to overuse them, especially the word "muttered" which I noticed quite a lot. In fact, that's what triggered the "said synonyms" radar.

Things that I started wondering about: If there is this age difference, how does the narrator know Steven?

“Steven!” my hand hit his chest. He only laughed, pulling me to his chest.

You use the word 'chest' twice, very close together, in the same place in the sentence. Perhaps a different wording would work better.

Once again, good.

Alright, to tell you the truth this wasn't as good as you usually do.


first:
My eyes flickered awake to the digital clock flashing at me the time. 8:30 in the morning

It should be

My eyes flickered open to the flashing light of my alarm clock: 8:30 in the morning.

Also,
And also I didn’t recall having a wall pressing against my back

Make that something like::

I also don't remember have a wall prest against my back.



"“Slut,” I said. “Well, it’s true! She basically wanted to have sex with you,” I added after Steven hit me on the head. "


OKAY, this should be reworded to something like:

"Slut." I huffed. Before I could explain, I felt a hard 'wack' against the back of my head. I placed a hand on the aganizing stinging and looked at Steven who was giving me a surprised glance, "Well... it's true!" I blurted, "She was bassically trying to get down your pants!"

See?


You need to reword a lot of your sentences and add some more detail!

The story, alone, was great (cheesy word---sorry for the lack of a better one). It's getting more exciting and I'm anticipating the next part!

However, deafwriter_19, I'm somewhat disappointed in the way you wrote using numbers. Please don't take it offensively or anything--this is a mere critique--but you're always supposed to write out the number if it is at the beginning of a sentence or is less than 10 (although writing out ages looks better).

“Sounds good! And then maybe a bite of lunch around…1,”

* Should be written out as "one"

* Should be a period.

“So, I think that you and I can be a couple easily if there’s only 6 years’ difference!”

“6 is a lot,” I confessed. “And besides, we’re not really going to be a couple, right?”

* Should be written out as "six"

Besides the number thing, everything else is fine.
I'll go review the others now! :]

- Summerless

OK, I've read through the five chapters you've put up and I must say they're brilliant. I would usually never read stuff like this. It's not like I criticize homosexuals, but I don't support them either. But your writing is beautiful and you seem to be very captivated by the story. You've captivated your readers in the process also. All the other users have seemed to pick out the grammar errors so I won't be repetitive. Keep on writing and good luck!!! PM me when the next chapter comes out.

Seems that all the mistakes I've spotted have been pointed out already. Ah well...

Anyway, you have a way of keeping the readers interested in your story. ^^
Well done. Some people have a hard time doing that, but it seems to come naturally to you.

So... I guess it's time to progress onto the next chapter!
I'll leave a comment where ever I go.

Let's pray and hope that someone hasn't pointed out any mistakes I might see in the next chapter. Haha.

I should've read this story earlier.. Then I'd have more to say. (The mistakes.)

Oh well... No use crying over spilt milk, eh?

-Max.

Once again, all the mistakes are pointed out.

This is great! Normally, I wouldn't really want to read this type of story but you write them really well. Keep it up!

I agree with some of the reviews that some of the lines are really similar to the ones in Wrong or Right?

Alex