Chasing The Sun (Chapter 1)

Taken down at author's discretion.

Hey wuvies.. Okay this was a nice story. Very uhm romantic. I like the plot and the story line!

Great job! Another great piece!

Keep it up, wuvies!

~Cas-wuvs

Ok, wow. This is just as excellent as Wrong or Right. Keep it up.

Again with all this, "yeah, it's great." and "keep it up"s I'll give you a critique,but I don't have that much time.

“This cruise ship is so amazing!” the last word was emphasized with me clapping my hands enthusiastically. I was standing in the middle of a spacious suite, taking in the mahogany-paneled walls, the plush couch and chairs, the marble flooring. The two-sink bathroom had one of the largest bathtubs I had ever seen, plus a steam shower. It was more like a luxurious hotel suite set in some colossal, gorgeous hotel.

This seems to be a bit of an info dump with description. If you could, then weave the description into your work (because it is great description) instead of dumping it into a paragraph.

“I’ll be fine!” my voice was more firm now. Steven nodded, “Okay…”

You only did this once, in this so I'm guessing it was just a mistake or something. Since steven is saying okay, then it should be it's own little paragraph. So:
“I’ll be fine!” my voice was more firm now.
Steven nodded, "Okay"

My friends weren’t here nor parents.

I think it should be My friends weren't here, nor my parents.

Overall, this is very good. I'll try and give you better critiques next time. Not many mistakes, which is also good. Keep writing,
~MV

I agree a little with what MidnightVampire said about all that background information clotted at the beginning. Maybe incorporate those details within thoughts and detail?

Also, work on your dialogue tagging. I'll briefly explain through corrections. If you have any questions or comments, ask me at school or by Pm.

My friend, Steven Grant, looked up from unpacking his suitcase, “What?”

“I saved the best for last,” I was walking towards the double doors that opened into the bedroom.

My eyebrows rose, “Seriously.”

These iare not dialogue tags. Dialogue tags are things like "he said," "she exclaimed," "Becca muttered," etc. That's why these commas should be periods. :]

As for the part quoted below,

My friends weren’t here nor my parents.

There is a neither-nor rule. If you use "nor," you must have a "neither" before it. (Ex: Neither did Suzie come by to invite me to her party, nor did I ask if I could go.)

But if you use "neither," you do not necessarily have to use a "nor." Kind of weird, eh? Well, English always has exceptions. x___x

So I suggest to change the quoted part to "Neither my friends nor parents were here."

Enough critique. Time for the compliments. First off, I love the title, Chasing the Sun. It's unique--definitely not cliché--and I can see vividly how it will come into the story.

Second, you always have this great narrative voice that the narrator has, whether he is cocky, sardonic, chauvinistic, lazy, etc. I can tell that Jack is under peer pressure and gets mildly anxious at times.

If I were to rate this, this is what you would get.

Grammar: 7/10
Voice: 10/10
Word Choice: 10/10
Engaging the Audience: 10/10

Can't wait to read more!
~ Summerless

Okay, so I got your message just as I got on the computer from returning from my
one night vacation! d:

Alright, I read it and even though you call it a sequal, I don't see how it is?
I mean, I know that it's going to turn out similar to Wrong or Right but I don't
understand how it's a sequal if there's a different plot line and different characters?


Though, the plot was amazing:
Two boys on a two week cruise, talk about mind jumbling. hahah I don't know what I just said.


The characters...
ehh, they were alright.
I just would have preferred a little more detail on them, like description and background,
and maybe even why they are there.
Like, when you say:
“This cruise ship is so amazing!” the last word was emphasized with me clapping my hands enthusiastically. I was standing in the middle of a spacious suite, taking in the mahogany-paneled walls, the plush couch and chairs, the marble flooring. The two-sink bathroom had one of the largest bathtubs I had ever seen, plus a steam shower. It was more like a luxurious hotel suite set in some colossal, gorgeous hotel.

maybe you could go into detail there in the next paragraph about how Jack and Steven even got abored the ship.


I didn't really see any grammar mistakes and only a few punctional errors, but just work on the things I said to you(:

ok i got confused at this part.
""I snuggled into the warmth of his body. Still, the image of my friends’ angry expressions had me avoiding his green gaze. I finished the last fry and tossed the plate in with Steven’s, head resting on his tweed-covered chest.

“What a beautiful sunset,” I murmured.

“Yeah…” Steven’s chest reverberated with his sighed word. “I wonder if the cruise ship is going towards it.”

“It’d be hard,” I replied. “Chasing the sun is basically impossible.”

“You can try, though.”

“True,” I admitted. Just like making my friends say that gayness is okay.

There was a long silence then Steven asked, “What do you want to do on here for the next two weeks?”

I looked up in his brown eyes, in that full-lipped, rugged face, “Basically, I just want to hang out with you.”

“Same here,” Steven smiled. Our gazes turned towards the sinking sun one last time. None of us knew what the future held while we were aboard the cruise ship Libitur.""
First you say Jack dosn't want to meet steven's green gaze, and the yous say he dosn't want to look in his brown eyes.

_________________

Oh, is this supposed to be a sequel? Should I read the first one first? Well, I've already read this, so now I'm just going to review it all the same.

“This cruise ship is so amazing!” the last word was emphasized with me clapping my hands enthusiastically.

You should capitalize the "t" in "the".

A lot of my friends were…homophobic.

Add some empty space before "homophobic".


The others, especially Summerless, have kind of pointed out everything I would have said as well. I like the idea, but should I have read Wrong or Right before this? Anyway, good job.

Best wishes
Demeter xx

Oh. A sequel? *raises eyebrow*

Interesting. Alright, I just found this so I'm going to spend some time reading the other chapters for this too.

I cannot point out any mistakes because all of them have been pointed out to you already. My apologies.

So... You've got them on a cruise ship, eh? I can't wait to read the other chapters then. I'll comment on them too. Haha.

Seeya 'round!

Max.

A sequel! Why didn't you tell me???

All the mistakes are already pointed out.

This is great! Keep up the good work!

Alex