Fallen

When you unlocked those familiar gates
I flew naked above a world of steel
I pleaded in dread as I glimpsed below
Beneath my knees, a hungry landing stone
I saw all that was to be played
Like in a waking dream
And I must’ve screamed thunder
When you tore my wings
Muscled arches, soft feathers
Rode a kingdom’s breeze
Then laid in bloody heap

In concreted guts, I now trod,
On my back, an ancient wound throbs
Forever unscarring
Praying, still dreaming
For the staircase back home

wow, i really like this. it took a second reading to figure it out. it has to totally suck for them, but it was their choice.

And I must’ve screamed thunder
When you tore my wings
Muscled arches, soft feathers
Rode a kingdom’s breeze
Then laid in bloody heap

i really like this verse, the vivid discriptions show the torment the fallen went thru.

great job and welcome to this site.

brad

Hi, and welcome to this website! I just have to let you know, for every post you put up, you need to have at least 2 reviews first. Now, to review your poem!

I suggest that you put punctuation in your poem, like this:

When you unlocked those familiar gates,
I flew naked above a world of steel.
I pleaded in dread as I glimpsed below you can either put a comma here, or take out below
Beneath my knees, a hungry landing stone.
I saw all that was to be played,
Like in a waking dream.
And I must’ve screamed thunder
When you tore my wings.
Muscled arches, soft feathers
Rode a kingdom’s breeze...
Then laid in bloody heap.

In concreted guts, I now trod,. <maybe take out the comma and put a period
On my back, an ancient wound throbs,
Forever unscarring.
Praying, still dreaming,
For the staircase back home.

Other than that, I thought your poem totally rocked! Keep up the good work, and happy editing! PM me if you need anything or have any questions, kay?

let me start off with these lines here...

When you unlocked those familiar gates( period here)

I flew naked above a world of steel (period here)

I pleaded in dread as I glimpsed below (comma here)

Beneath my knees, a hungry landing stone (period here)

I saw all that was to be played doesn't make quite sense revise.

Add a Space it is all bunched together making it hard to read. But add appropiate punctuation and you will be fine.

Hope I helped.

GordonRamsayLuver

This poem has a good start but there's a problem. You don't really take the reader into the picture. You tell us about all this, but there aren't any feelings I get. Try showing us what you saw--what feelings the stone gave you and why.

Faith777, welcome to Young Writers Society!

I see you've already posted up some of your work! Just make sure you have two reviews first, though, before you submit anymore of your work.

There is a 2:1 ratio. For every piece of work you submit, you must give two reviews to two different pieces of work you read by someone else. This keeps YWS straight so people get feedback and give feedback.

So, make sure you write some reviews and welcome to YWS!
~ Summerless

Lets begin, now this poem, I felt nothing. It's all good and well to have wonderful imagery but I never felt anything from it. You tell us instead of showing. You navelgaze, giving us no real interest. A lot of would rather not read a poem without feeling some emotion from it. You basically tell us a story, never involving us. This poem misses out puntuaction which is okay in most cases. But in this one, not a good idea. Puntuaction helps lead the readers. Each of these lines could be shown, make us feel the horror and sadness. This poem seems to me to be about innoccence. But since you tell us, you bore us.

Overall: It has huge potential, just show don't tell and don't navelgaze. Hope this helps.

Good luck
VSN