Queen of Hearts

Queen of Hearts

Did you know
that your songs are empty to me?
Your empty threats
like pushpins in my forehead.
The tap of your impatient staff
just an annoyance.

Someday your cards will fold
and you'll regret
ever being so condescending.
I can't wait for the day
that you fall from your mighty high throne,
and when you realize
that your cold, bullying life
gets you nowhere with me.

You've been dealt your hand,
but you're just the Queen of Hearts.
I have the Ace in my sleeve.
The day this queen topples from her throne
and her cards are shredded,
will be the day that I am finally free.






Hm. I hope someone may get the meaning in this. I like this poem. It turned out quite well to my satisfaction.
It could use a little fixing here and there, some flow and clarity perhaps. Suggestions are apreciated.

~Yoyo

I think I know what you meant by it. I'm not sure though.
I do know that what it means to me isn't what you meant. Have you ever had it where you're listening to a song, or something like that, and you here some random line in it that completely applies to your life, or how you're feeling at that moment, even if the rest of the song doesn't? That's how this was for me, except it was almost the whole thing, not just one single line.
I think that's pretty amazing. I love it when you can take something like this, a poem, or usually it's a song for me, and you can take an part of it and fit it in with your life.

"Someday this time will turn around
and you'll regret
ever being so condescending." I liked this lines, particularly the word condescending. I hate condescending people.

"Your empty threats
like pushpins in my forehead." This was another party I really liked. Good imagery.

The only change I have to suggest is just a little thing:
"Your empty threats
like pushpins in my forehead.
The tap of your impatient staff
just an annoyance." I'd change the period after "forehead" to a comma.

You're amazing yoyo. Don't ever let anyone tell you you're not.


*adna*

It made me think of Alice and Wonderland. I don't know why. It was very well written though, and not cliché at all. I don't know if that was the meaning, but I really liked it. Good Job!

Wow, Ahoy! This was really good! Not gonna lie! I think I know what you mean by it. I definitely got the first part of it, then I hit the cards at the end and had to think about it, but I think I still got it.

Grammar and First Impressions

Your empty threats are
like pushpins in my forehead.
The tap of your impatient staff is
just an annoyance.

Each of these sentences lack a verb, which is kinda biting at me, lol. The bolded words are the verbs you're lacking, but I dunno if inserting them is bad. If you use them, you can obviously move them into the next line.

Someday this time will turn around,
and you'll regret
ever being so condescending.

The underlined part I keep stumbling over. I can't seem to make it fit. Sometime the tables will turn.. I dunno, lol. You have two time expressions, I guess, and that's what's throwing me off. I can't figure it out.

I can't wait for the day
that you fall from your mighty high throne,
[s]and [/s]when you realize
that your cold, bullying life
gets you nowhere with me.

Underlined: I'd suggest choosing one or the other. It seems a bit redundant to me.

[s]Strikethrough[/s]: I didn't like that word being there. If you like and, take out when, lol. It may just be a peeve of mine, but one or the other is preferable.

[s]When[/s] The day this queen topples from her throne,
and her cards are shredded,
will be the day that I am finally free.

This entire sentence is not complete. Change when to the day, and it should work with the the last line. Also, I'd like to point out you could put and her cards are shredded in dashes rather than commas. It completely depends on your style of writing, of course, but it would ease the flow of the sentence.

Last Stanza

I think I get it now, haha. I read it, and was like, Why the Queen of Hearts and the Ace? but then I got to thinking about card games and how it always depends on the Ace to turn the tides of the game. (Poker, yes?) Hopefully I nailed that, lol. When the Queen is finally beat, you will take control of the "game" so to speak.

I liked it.

Overall

This was awesome! You have a right to be proud of it! ^_^ And, Love2act4ever, you probably thought of Alice in Wonderland because the Queen of Hearts is the bad guy in that movie. I always think of Alice in Wonderland when I think of the Queen of Hearts too.

This poem definitely didn't seem to play off of Alice in Wonderland, though.

Great job! Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!

I liked it, even though I don't quite know what you mean. I have a couple of suggestions:

Did you know
that your songs are empty to me?
Your empty threats are like
like pushpins in my forehead.
The tap of your impatient staff
just an annoyance.

Someday your cards will fold,
and you'll regret
ever being so condescending.
I can't wait for the day
that you fall from your mighty [s]high[/s] throne[s], [/s]
[s]and[/s] when you realize
that your cold, bullying life
gets you nowhere with me.

You've been dealt your hand,
but you're just the Queen of Hearts.
I have the Ace in my sleeve.
The day this queen topples from her throne
and her cards are shredded,
will be the day that I am finally free.

other than that, I thought it was awesome! Keep up the good work!

I really liked this. It was confusing in places, and it could use work. But I think that you left the reader free to imagine what the story behind this was. It really made me think about what might be happening. It was very mysterious, and I liked that. Keep up the good work.

Hey, this is very nice! It needs a little improvement, but overall it was good. Reminds me a bit of Alice in Wonderland...
Keep up!

Not much to nit pick Yoha, my main problem is you lose the flow with such a word like 'condencending' rethink that line. Other that that. I get the poem, it's told interesting for sure. Nothing much else to say, just condencending which really loses flow. Try a better word, much shorter to keep the flow.

Overall: other than that, I really like it. Just edit that, and my friend this earns a star.

Good luck
VSN

Nice, very original and fresh. My only suggestions are to cut out the words C.J. Mustang pointed out, and it struck me as a little odd and awkward how in the last stanza you switch from talking directly to the Queen of Hearts ("You've been dealt your hand,/but you're just the Queen of Hearts) to talking about her (The day this queen topples from her throne/and her cards are shredded). It's a bit abrupt and disrupts the flow; you might consider changing it to one or the other for the sake of consistency.

Otherwise, a very unique and effective poem. I especially liked the image of having the ace up your sleeve.

I think Jab nailed most of the grammatical things I was going to mention. My remaining nitpick is in the first stanza:

Did you know
that your songs are empty to me?
Your empty threats
like pushpins in my forehead.
The tap of your impatient staff
just an annoyance.

This first part doesn't really relate to the royal/card theme, save for the staff. The problem with this is that the rest of the poem is saturated with it, but here it isn't anywhere to be seen.

I'm not sure if the repetition of "empty" on lines two and three was intentional.

Also, you say they're empty threats - meaningless, useless ones - and yet they're like pushpins in the forehead. Wouldn't pushpins in one's forehead hurt? A lot? I think they would. So comparing something that's meaningless and empty to something that inflicts a lot of pain - that doesn't make sense to me.

That aside, I like the motif you've got going. Pocket ace, shredded cards, all very clever. It does remind me a little of those later chapters in Alice in Wonderland. an't wait to read more of your stuff, Yoyo!