The Abyss

The trickling sands of our time,
Slowly disappear beneath us.
And we are plunged.
Without warning.
Without hope.
This dark abyss that we cannot escape,
Just falling.
Falling until we are swallowed by the night.
Yet we are happy.
We are contented.
Because we are together.

I know I'm a little late, but welcome to the young writers society!

Anyway, for some odd reason I heard of this before. But maybe I'm confused. This poem reminds me of a popular video game called "Kingdom Hearts".

I thought the poem was okay. It was sort and sweet. Well, see you later!

Short and simple...the piece runs well, and I can't see any real glaring errors...

Not bad at all. Try to incorporate more imagery if you can next time.

Agreed, Krupp.

You had some great ideas, Frangipani, but you didn't reveal their true power and meaning. This poem was too short. Had you fleshed it out and spent a bit more time uncovering your real message, this could have been excellent.

You started out well with the first image - "The trickling sands of our time" - and the form and lineation appealed to me. Your use of repetition was fluent and well controlled. However, the piece lacked strength and impact. This was because you used far too much telling and kept SHOWING to a minimum. Exactly the reverse should happen when writing poetry or any kind of imaginative writing. Instead of glibly saying:

"Yet we are happy"

Try: "Yet I see a glimmer amid the abyss"

This is much more powerful, more immediate and immediately pulls the reader right into the action. It doesn't sum up the speaker's feelings either.

Another way you can avoid telling is to eliminate passive constructions. Passivisation detaches the reader from the message, which is not what you want to do. So rather than:

"we are plunged"

Try simply saying: "we plunge (into the infinite night)." This is much more direct and straightforward.

You can then contrast the showing statements with the wonderfully simple telling sentence: "Because we are together."

You could also do with proofreading. Your poem currently reads: "This dark abyss that we cannot escape, / Just falling." Is the abyss falling? This is too ambiguous: please correct or reword.

I know this 'show don't tell' business is a common problem for novices but in time you will sort this out. I know you can do it!

Gahks

Thank you for your comments!

Gahks, I really like the line "Yet I see a glimmer amid the abyss". I added this in. It works really well; thanks! I also took your advice on "we plunge".

I really appreciate all your comments. I'll try to flesh it out some more, but I don't want it to get too long. ^_^

- Lauren

Tis, interesting for sure, just not enough worthwhile, you try to explain something but you never really get that message out. Expanding on this, would help greatly. Just work on making us feel. Remember the obvious show don't tell. This has potential, but for now is too short and meaning is never fully explored.

Overall: Expand, nothing much else I can say.

Good luck
VSN

Man do I agree with all of Gahks points. He's pretty much said all I wanted to say about this piece- yes, the grammatical errors as they let the piece down. I'm really not too sure if I'm keen on the structure. I usually would rely on the words to make a rhythm or to help it flow. That said, I certainly don't think it should be completely butchered. This one's a keeper, for sure. I agree with Vernon as well- expand. For a poem about the abyss- ironic or not, it's quite empty and a bit of a disappointing.

Best wishes,

Eimear xx

Urgh.. I don't know what I can add without simply repeating what the other posters here have already said.

Anyway, it's a nice poem. Nice... just nice. I agree with all of Gahks' points, and you just really need to add to the poem or make it more descriptive. Paint a picture in our minds.

All I can really say is to experiment with the poem to make it more enlightening and exquisite.