Her Eyes

HER EYES


Her eyes, like gold flicked disks

they burn to look at

but hurt not to see

I'll die without them...

most definitely.

Hello, I haven't seen you around, well welcome to YWS.
This poem said a lot about how attuned you were with this girls eyes but you lack depth. Add so more details, maybe something about the girl or how you feel about her eyes. Why will you die without her eyes?
I liked this poem and with a little more work it can be better.
Good luck and keep writing,
Angel

You need to review four things to keep with the 2:1 review:piece of work ratio, and then continue to review 2 or more things for every piece of literature you post. Please read the rules, as you should have done upon joining this site. Normally, I would refrain from reviewing until you had done this, but since this is short I'll make an exception.

To put it simply, this is too short. You have a nice, if somewhat cliched, idea here, but you don't develop anything, you just state a fact and boom, out you go. You just don't convey any emotion with this piece, it needs to be more developed. I'm not even saying you have to stray from the subject of her eyes, but you have to at least develop her eyes some more, maybe explain how you first saw them, or whatnot.

Finally, in the way of grammar and spelling problems, it's "flecked", not "flicked". "Hurt not to see" is a somewhat ambiguous statement, I'd try something that says it would hurt to not see them better.

Sweet. I agree that it's a bit short, and I'm not sure I like the rhyme at the end. This might go over better if it was free verse, since it seems to be going in that direction at first. But overall, you did a good job at conveying a lot in a small amount of words. Well done.

I really liked it, but it was a bit short. I would have liked to have heard more, but other then that it was really good. Good job.

This is a good start.

Writing about some one's eyes without using cliches is quite hard, but I think you had quite an original approach with the imagery that was there (which was not very much, so that is a point to improve on).

Sort of the spelling issues and elaborate the topic to make the reader care about the relationship between you and the owner of the eyes

Generally, this was not bad, so keep working on it.

The reason why I was attracted to click on this poem is because I have been trying to write one called "blue eyes". And to be honest, based on what I was writing I expected a little more than the lines you wrote. Sure it seems just simple and sweet, but to simple. I't's great that you like her eyes, but you could say just a little more about them couldn't you? I mean I know you're a new member so you probably have some short poems that you're going to submit first. And anyways welcome to this site that gets free critical observation. You will either learn to accept it or just leave the site, becaus ein the end, it really does help with your writing.

Okay, the review has been taken over for me, mostly by Aet. I would listen to what has been said so far, and you'll get nearly everything that I wanted to say.

A couple of things, however:

Line 1: Flicked should be flecked.

Lines 2 and 3: This was good, no edits.

Line 4: Cliche. But other than that it was pretty good.

Line 5: No! I've done this too... it sounds terrible. And the rhyme sounds way out of place. Don't rhyme this.

Overall: Yes, it was cliche, but you did well enough with it that it stands out a little bit. It was too short, though, you don't get enough emotion. It's like a thought... there, but then gone a moment later.

Your rhythm was good, not the rhyme. Rewrite the fifth line. Try to find something with the same number of syllables, but different wording. Right now it sounds really sing-songy, which isn't good right here.

I did like the poem, but it could use a bit of work.

7/10

Teh Wozzinator