If only she knew

Henry never expected or anticipated what happened that year at soccer camp.

Mary had finally become a closer friend to him. She had utterly abandoned the childish attractions she had felt for him in the past when he had rejected her, and had matured to caution around him.

He didn't blame her.

He'd been a jerk. And she had been kind enough now to allow a friendhship to bloom. He was disturbed by his past actions. Disgusted by his ill-treatment of her--despite his desire to be honest. It was his fault. He knew that the small things he had done in the past years had built up and become a huge mess. He couldn't deny the fact that he would be attracted to her every now and then.

But she had fallen head-over-heels, taking the little things he did and trusting them too eagerly. Things such as holding her hand, whispering in her ear, saying things he didn't completely mean...it had been wrong.

It was like pleasing a small child, and he had spoiled her to a broken point. She had a wall around her. She closed up, making herself numb to the world around her. And it was his fault. All his fault.

He recalled times he would call her in the middle of the night when she admitted to the fear of a nightmare, he would sing her to sleep. At the time he didn't see how it might have created a conflict later on in life, but it did. And now he had to pay.

What comes around, goes around.

So as he began to watch Mary a little more carefully than usual as he spent time with her at soccer camp, he began to notice her long eyelashes and beautiful smile. He suddenly fathomed the kind expressions in her face--the patience and loving attitude she possessed towards everyone.

What might have sparked the uncalled for attraction? Jealousy had always been a natural trait for Henry--but envy had never hit him harder when his roommate, Josh Harker announced feelings of attraction towards Mary. Henry tended to be territorial. And Josh had definitely stepped onto his territory.

"So, Henry..." Josh began one night, sighing and falling backwards onto the matress behind him.

"What?" Henry asked.

'I couldn't help but notice--well, you know, you and Mary are pretty close. You guys aren't...dating or anything right?"

"Mary and I?" Henry sputtered in surprise (exuberant at the combination of 'Mary and I'), "Of course not! I have a girlfriend back home." Henry answered quickly, wanting desperately to believe the false tone he had presented.

Josh sat up, a gallant look on his face.

"So she doesn't have a boyfriend?"

"Right," Henry said quietly, "Why?"

"I-I kind of like her." Josh admitted, grinning.

"Oh really?" Henry bit the inside of his cheeks and he tasted blood.

"I actually...really, really like her." Josh continued, unknowingly tempting Henry to an uncommon violience.

Henry froze, feeling the territorial monster within him growl threateningly.

"Can you do me a favor?" Josh asked, glancing at him nervously.

"Anything." Henry lied.

"Can you find out--"

"Find out if she likes you?" Henry interrupted bluntly.

Josh grinned, slapping Henry on the back.

"You're a good man Henry." and before Henry could retort, Josh was on his feet, pacing the room and forming brilliant ways for Henry to ask her.

Mary was innocent. She had never had a boyfriend in her life. Anytime she came close, she got scared, afraid of commitment. Or scared of being hurt (Also Henry's fault). Although Josh was a decent guy, Henry didn't completely trust him to be loyal to her. And Mary was so tender...so sweet. He couldn't bare to see her hurt.

But he owed it to her. She deserved to experience the relationship.

Mary would see right through him...right? Right.

He approached her a few days before the end of camp, and the unexpected butterflies annoyingly fluttered in his stomach when he noticed her long auburn hair whipping across her face in the wind.

Her face lit up in acknowledgement when she saw him approach, and then she smiled that breath-taking smile--he was certain his heart had forgotten to beat.

The sunlight shone through her eyes, lighting her face. Could her eyes be any bluer?

When he brought it up, he was surprised to find that Mary was absolutely delighted with Josh--and even worse...she liked him just as much.

Damn, he thouht, kicking at the long grass.

This disappointment was nothing compared to his fury the last day, when dramatic good-byes were to be witnessed.

Henry had been planning to bring it up with her, to express his sorrow, disappointment, and confusion. But then Josh showed up and had to ruin everything.

Josh put his hands over her eyes, and when she turned he still held them. Their foreheads came together, and Henry did his best not to snap.

My territory, he thought, my territory. My Mary.

He glanced over when he heard his name.

"What?"

"Keep in touch," Josh winked, nodding upwards. Henry waved a hand as Josh turned to leave. Good riddance, Henry triumphed, watching Josh approach a vehicle.

But then Josh had stopped, dropping his bags and then spinning around. He had muttered something under his breath, and then stormed desperately back to his delicate Mary.

This time Henry had to force himself onto the ground, laying completely flat and gripping the grass around him to keep from tackling Josh and killing him.

It was right at that moment, that Henry came to a realization that would change him forever. It was somewhere within that millisecond it took for Josh's lips to brush Mary's blushing cheeks that he truly recognized and accepted the violent feeling within him.

Henry realized that he was undeniably in love with Mary.

And there was absolutely nothing he could do about it.

Hi.
I think this is really well done - Henry has a true personality, we can see that, rather than appearing one-sided merely to fit the protagnist.
One thing though - it would be nicer if we knew more about Mary. (That is unless you are doing another from 'Mary's side'?) Well, regardless, it would be a good idea if you at least vaguely described how she looks(long eyelashes and a beautiful smile don't give much away, do they?).
Okay, now onto the nit-picks (there aren't many):

friendhship

- gah, I know this is just a silly typo, but friendship.

. He was disturbed by his past actions. Disgusted by his ill-treatment of her--despite his desire to be honest.

Now /\ That just sounds awkward. Shouldn't the two sentences by linked, hmm?

matress

violience.

SPELL CHECK!!

Or scared of being hurt (Also Henry's fault).

I dunno, it just doesn't flow, does it? Maybe, Or scared of being hurt, which was also Henry's fault. Or is that too formal?

"Oh really?" Henry bit the inside of his cheeks and he tasted blood.

Now, I have done this, and it bloody hurts! It is not something that could occur and then just be followed on with polite conversation. Consider this.

My territory, he thought, my territory. My Mary.

You use this device a lot. Perhaps it adds to the character, but it is a bit repetitive.




In conclusion, I believe your use of words and techniques adds to the personality of Henry, but could perhaps be more varied.

I dunno. I think I'd be scared to have Henry in love with me. He sounds, from this piece, like the kind that could very easily turn into a stalker. The possessive, jealous nature is a little creepy.

I did like this piece however. I liked the way we got into Henry's head and felt his shame and jealousy and all that. The end seemed to come so fast and Henry broke down. I felt bad for him and happy for Mary at the same time. Mostly sad for Henry though and thinking Josh was a jerk. You did a great job of drawing me in and take the not-so-savory (maybe that wasn't your intention, but that was the impression I got) character's side.

Anyway, very nice. I agree that we could use a little bit more description of Mary. Maybe not physical description, but more along the lines of how she and Henry interact. We hear that she has allowed them to get close again and Josh comments on it. How close are we talking here? We hear what Henry has to say about their past; how about their present?

*thumbs up* Great stuff all in all.

~GryphonFledgling

She had utterly abandoned the childish attractions she had felt for him in the past when he had rejected her, and had matured to caution around him.

Take out "utterly" and the comma before "and."

What comes around, goes around.

I would take out that whole sentence. THe one before it sums it up and seems to put a final stamp on the thought.

"So, Henry..." Josh began one night, sighing and falling backwards onto the matress behind him

That quote doesn't make me think he'd be sighing and falling backwards. Maybe if he started talking about Mary, but he only said "So, Henry..."

"Mary and I?" Henry sputtered in surprise

Replace "sputtered" with "said."

"Of course not! I have a girlfriend back home." Henry answered quickly, wanting desperately to believe the false tone he had presented.

Take out "quickly." You often use unnecesary adverbs. That's telling, not showing.

Josh sat up, a gallant look on his face.

"Gallant" doesn't seem to fit.

"Oh really?" Henry bit the inside of his cheeks and he tasted blood.

I don't think just biting his cheeks once would make them bleed. I would have him chew or gnaw. (God, that sounds awkward.) And even so, the whole biting-cheeks-bleeding thing is a bit cliche.

"I actually...really, really like her." Josh continued, unknowingly tempting Henry to an uncommon violience.

I really like this line.

Henry froze, feeling the territorial monster within him growl threateningly.

Growling already shows threatening qualities. Don't use unecessary adverbs!

Or scared of being hurt (Also Henry's fault).

You basically told us that it was Henry's fault in the beginning. And the parentheses kind of break up the flow.

He approached her a few days before the end of camp, and the unexpected butterflies annoyingly fluttered in his stomach when he noticed her long auburn hair whipping across her face in the wind.

Take out "annoyingly."

This disappointment was nothing compared to his fury the last day, when dramatic good-byes were to be witnessed.

Reword the second portion of this sentence.

Henry realized that he was undeniably in love with Mary.

And there was absolutely nothing he could do about it.

Nice ending!



I liked the thoughts of Henry at the beginning, but by the end he started creeping my out in the way he talked of Mary as "his." Is this how you really want to portray him? It's a little much to me.

I also agree with the other critique in expanding Mary's character a bit. You had one good sentence with this, showing how she was kind to everyone. I think it would work if you showed it a bit more.

Oh My God. First of all, this is a really big cliche. Second, you made it seem as it wasn't a large cliche because you did some an awesome job with it. Are you a published author in disguise or something?

Onto critiquing... some nit-picking has been done, like how you use a lot of necessary adverbs. I'll try not to add in things that have already been said.

camp, he began to notice her long eyelashes and beautiful smile.

Put "and" after that comma.

What might have sparked the uncalled for attraction?

Take away that "for."

..his roommate, Josh Harker announced feelings..

Put a comma after "Harker"

'I couldn't help but notice--well, you know, you and Mary are pretty close..."

Fix that quote thingy so it's got two lines. Like this: ". Not this: '. And say, "well, you know, that you and Mary..."

uncommon violience.

Spelling, sweetheart. "Violence."

...Henry." and before Henry could retort, Josh was...

Capatalize "And."

This time Henry had to force himself onto the ground, laying completely flat and gripping the grass around him to keep from tackling Josh and killing him.

Ha. Ha ha. Wow, Henry. Poor guy.

Henry realized that he was undeniably in love with Mary.

And there was absolutely nothing he could do about it.

BEST. ENDING. EVER.

Now to the summary-thingies that we all know and love!

1. Characters

Henry: You did such a great job with your MC! When he narrated, you did use repetition a lot, which isn't necessarily a bad thing when you use it right. And during the story, you made it clear to the reader his feelings for Mary before he even bothered to state them. Good job!

Josh: Ha. Josh. Such a nice guy. Yet, you make him the antaganist. It's wonderful how first person can make an innocent boy sound like the villain of the world.

Mary: The innocent, delicate girl that creates the love triangle. Since we never really saw Mary do anything, just read Henry's descriptions, I can't really say anything. But, when you continue this (and I hope you will) give her some flaws, because nobody wants to deal with a Mary-Sue.

2. Grammer

What I did was serious nit-picking, and besides the word "violence," your grammer is great. So don't worry about a thing. Although, about what the person above me kept stating, you did use unessecary adverbs a whole lot. I wanted to point them out despretly, but... grrr.

3. Story-telling

Wonderful. Wonderful, wonderful, wonderful. Your language is beautifully crafted in this story, and it goes so smoothly. There are no choppy sentences, which I applaud you on. Well, there are actually, but they fit. And without those dear choppy sentences the story wouldn't have any dramatic effect.

4. All-in-all.

I want to read what happens to badly! What happens with Josh? Mary? Henry? You're writing is just so good, that you have to move on after this story! (AFTER you finish it. AFTER. I'm going to force you)