It is not yet warm to go outside

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It is not yet warm to go outside.

As the trees like gummed statues fall to sleep,
They stretch their tired limbs
Heralding their fresh bareness.
Suits and vendors weary lean on
Time and morrows and coffee.
Men scrape the ashes into monuments,
Images of what they are not.
Needless pyres on wasted islands,
Control of the uncontrollable,
A foothold in the unfathomable.
The iron fingers rape the new ground
Thoughtlessly, while tempests rage within
As the loin and seed are torn sunder.

It is not yet warm to go outside.

As the freeze scorns its brethren earth
And hardens its beauty with malice,
The women bundle in isolation,
Protected from elements and ores,
Carving routes with hot eyes,
Focused on absent destinations.
Cars spew darkness on crystal canvas.
Children press their cruelty between their hands.
The street breathes vapor, calling
Itinerant preachers and eaters
To crowd before its promise of heat.

It is not yet warm to go outside.

As the rain cuts the streets cold,
Racing homeful to gutters
That voidly embrace their companions,
Sewers where men lie
Drunk on sadness and shiver,
Faithless enough to lie there forever.
Crippled earth molts and hides,
Unable to bear the weight of skin and
The thinness of life surrounding.
The new bursts forth in every crevice
And fissure, only to be trod upon,
Hoping to fade into blissful nothing.

It is not yet warm to go outside.

As the heat warps your vision
With ample noise to drown the silence
That stalks the neighborhoods
Laughing at the skeletons and families,
Dark histories held before the vendors and
Drivers and lovers and children,
Absorbing all the light that begs to
Break forth.
Bodies baked and skin seared
From too few eyes, too little notice.
The rope pounds the beat of
Desperation that sizzles through the city.
Hydrants explode with meager hope,
Forming puddles which fill with oil and grease.

It is not yet warm to go outside.
Last edited by timjim77 on Mon Jun 02, 2008 12:26 am, edited 1 time in total.




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Oh yeah, first crit! HA!
Suits and vendors weary lean on

Eh... "wearily"? Is this meant to be "weary," because that actually looks like a grammatical error. *Writing audience gasps in horror...*

Dude. Poetry is your life-calling. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise... Feels like I have no clue what your message is, but I've never been so happy to be ignorant. Beautiful, intense, numbing, profound, throbbing, real, are some of the words I'd use to describe it. Love it, bro. PM me whenever you get knew stuff out, 'kay?
:D RG




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(O_O)
This... was LONG!!!
Alright... Let me nit-pick what I can in these early morning hours, shall I?
(Which will eventually lead me to come back... to nit-pick more).

First of all.
It's a good lengthy poem. It does not work to put in capitalized letters at the beginning at each line, however. Do it for each sentence rather than line. (They are not the same things.)

"Suits and vendors... Time and tomorrows..." Should it be ON rather than AND? I'm just wondering, unless Suits is a way to describe somebody of upper class rank? And also, Time and tomorrows... Tomorrows doesn't really go good for some reason. Unless you meant tomorrows coffee, rather than tomorrows and coffee... Perhaps you can replace tomorrows with another word?

Second stanza was pretty well written I thought.

"Sewers where men lie /Drunk on sadness and shivers /Faithless.... "
Shivers should be shiver. It's plural. Then there should be a comma after shiver. That ties it together better as a sentence.

That's all I can nit-pick at my capacity!

But this was a lovely poem. A bunch of adjectives, like how I write. It all ties in.
One thing I think you might need to consider is when you write... perhaps think of whole sentences then find ways to divide them. It saves people commenting time PLUS it makes you look good as a poet. :P

You're on your way. This was great! Amazing!

I can't imagine why nobody has read it before! I loved this. :)
Keep writing, and I'll be sure to check around for you!

*Bah that person beat me too it... But I started first :P*




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