first stuff, go crazy plz!

i know i have an issue with keeping to any sort of rythym if you understand. i trust all you do, basically wanting to sound just as good when reading out loud as when it was in your head. forgive me i know i dont keep to much of a structure. ne wayz blah blah, just read:

Untitled

standing up, my back to the mirror
face in the wind
i know how the world works
wait for it all to turn
wait to see who i should believe in

I know we can be strong
who knew we would be so weak
remember when the lights were off
i'll never forget how it sounded
when i could feel you breathe

love is how it began,
and why it will never end

Untitled (Firstly, always try and give your poem a title-It doesn't matter how bad you think it is, it just means people will take more notice and it will look more professional)


standing up, my back to the mirror (Capitalize)

face in the wind (Your tenses are jumbled up)

i know how the world works (Use a proper 'I' throughout)

wait for it all to turn (you need to use punctuation)

wait to see who i should believe in (full stop)



I know we can be strong

who knew we would be so weak (I think you should add a 'but')

remember when the lights were off (New sentence)

i'll never forget how it sounded (Capitalise I'll)

when i could feel you breathe (full stop)



love is how it began,

and why it will never end (Good ending but punctuation!!)

Ok, so there are a few surface problems with this. The most apparent is your lack of punctuation- this is key for any poem as a writer's tool because it divides their work into a properly set out poem instead of it looking like a mess of their thoughts. Secondly you really do need to get into the habit of capitalizing your 'I's as there really is no excuse for that.

The theme for this poem is a little jumbled as is your tenses. You need to differentiate between them as it makes for one confusing read. As for your problem with rhythm, I would suggest either reading more poetry (Robert Frost- 'Acquainted with the night' uses Dante's Iambic Pentameter expertly) or failing that try and count out the syllables of each line in your head. That way, you will know where you're going wrong and where you should find a balance.

The poem also survives mostly on telling, and I feel that it is lacking any real imagery to engage the reader's interest. If this is developed then this could make for one strong poem. Just try to show more.

Overall, I think this is just the bare bones of a poem so far. Hopefully with careful editing this can be made into something much stronger.

Hope this helps, and PM me with any further questions,

Eimear xx