Chapter One- Unknown

“Not a clue sir.” Private detective Morris Core answered.

“I want this man figured out! A.S.A.P! What are you all standing around for? I said move it!” Officer Jon Dean never made anyone feel all nice and warm inside. He’s the type that you want to run away from when you see him coming. “This case is not even close to being solved yet!” Officer Dean yelled to everyone. “What, do you all want a murderer running around in the streets?!”

“Sir, we’re working this case as hard as we can. It might help if you would stop yelling in everyone’s ears while we try to work.” James Orrien suggested.

“Oh, I’m so sorry! Okay everyone, now since Orrien over here thinks he can do a better job than me, I think we might have to do something different…” Officer Dean stood still, looking around. Everyone had quit working and was staring at him blankly. “I think we should all work two extra hours for today and see how that works out.” Everybody groaned. “You have Orrien to blame for all this, not me.” The Officer walked away to another section of the crime scene.

“How much longer does this mean we have to work?” Bob Jackson whispered to everyone working near him.

“Oh, about twenty six more hours.” Carter Smith answered from behind him.

“What?! We never had to work that long before! That’s… One, two… Two hour’s over a whole day!” Bob yelped.

“Let’s all celebrate! Bob’s not as stupid as he looks! I was kidding genius… Say, how’d you get this job again?”

“Haha, very funny Carter…” Bob mumbled.

“Do I hear talking in here?!” Officer Dean yelled as he barged back in. Everyone turned their heads to look at Carter and Bob. “Mister Smith and Mister Jackson, what a surprise, I should have known it was you two by the fighting that was going on. After we’re done here, I want to see you two in my office!”

“Yes sir.” They both grumbled as they grabbed their tools and began searching for evidence again. Just then the Mayor walked into the room.

“What’s going on here?” The Mayor’s voice was deep, but calm, he was not easily mistaken for someone else.

“Just two mindless airheads.” Dean answered.

“I mean the case!” The Mayor’s voice was not as calm anymore.

“Oh, yes sir! We have two dead, one injured. One female and one male dead and a gentleman injured, doesn’t look so promising for him though.” Officer Dean said this very fast as if not to keep the Mayor waiting.

“Where were they struck?” The Mayor asked.

“The one that is still alive was hit in the stomach, no vital organs hit though. The bleeding is the problem. The dead were both hit in the neck.” Officer Dean was starting to get impatient; he’s not the type who likes to stand in one place all day.

“Did the man get a--” The Mayor was cut off by Dean.

“The Ambulance came before we did. So, to your next question you are dying to ask is ‘no,’ we did not get to question him yet.” That ticked the Mayor off a bit.

“Do I not even get to finish my own sentence now?! If I’m not welcome here just say so, I’ll be happy to leave, murders are not my favorite thing to deal with!” The Mayor exploded. Everyone dropped what they were doing and looked at the Mayor; they knew the Mayor had a short temper, but they never saw the Mayor like this before.

“I wish I had my camera!” Carter whispered to the men beside him.

“Why so?” One man asked.

“It’s a moment in history! The Mayor and Officer Dean fighting! Who would’ve thought?” Carter looked around him to make sure he was safe and no one heard him besides the man he was talking to.

“I’m sincerely sorry, but we still haven’t found who has done it! I haven’t slept in days!” This was a big lie; Officer Dean had just returned an hour ago from sleeping at his house.

“What about the crew? How long has it been since they last slept?” the Mayor asked, as he turned around to look at everyone.

“Exactly two days, six hours, and thirty-nine minutes sir.” Bob butted in.

“Okay, everyone gets to go home four hours early, who can think being that tired?” The Mayor walked out of the room. Officer Dean followed, but not before he snarled at the crew.

“Hey! Bob’s not so worthless after all!” Carter exclaimed.

“Thanks… I think.” Bob slowly answered.

“Hey, guys, that means our shift is over in twenty-four more minutes!” Everyone cheered. “What do you say we get out twenty-four minutes early…?” Carter looked around at every blank face around him.

“How so?” someone in the back finally asked.

“The Mayor is how.” Everyone looked at Carter the same way as before. “You still don’t get it do you?” Everyone shook his or her head. “We promised our wives or husbands we’d be home for dinner didn’t we?”

“No, of course not, our families know we work too late to be home for dinner.” Just about every one of them answered.

Carter held up his cell phone. “Who all has one?” he asked. Everyone nodded, now they knew what to do.

To be honest, it was hard to stay through the duration of this chapter.
There's not much description; I have absolutely no idea what any of them look like.
However, I don't have too much time, so I'll try to keep my nitpicks short.

'The Mayor’s voice was not as calm anymore.'
That's kind of obvious, with the way he yells. I'd lop this sentence off. =D


'“The one that is still alive was hit in the stomach, no vital organs hit though. The bleeding is the problem. The dead were both hit in the neck.” Officer Dean was starting to get impatient; he’s not the type who likes to stand in one place all day.'

You repeated 'hit' thrice here. Find another verb.


'Officer Dean had just returned an hour ago from sleeping at his house.'

This just doesn't sound right... try rephrasing? Here, I'll give an example.

"The officer had returned to work after a good night's sleep only an hour ago."
Or something of the sort.

'“Okay, everyone gets to go home four hours early, who can think being that tired?” The Mayor walked out of the room. Officer Dean followed, but not before he snarled at the crew.'

Few things here. First, put a period after 'early', and capitalize, 'who'.
Also, try to find a better verb here, other than 'walked'. It seems you use it a lot. x-x
'Strode'? or, 'stomped'?

The part immediately following the above part confused me. It wasn't clear at all. Try making it just a tad more obvious; what Carter's talking about, that is.

All in all, it wasn't too interesting. Obviously prologues don't have to explain everything AND be exciting, but try to grab the reader at the beginning, so they don't have to make themselves read the rest.
Another quick tip, try being more descriptive. I find myself wondering what 'the room' looks like, what Carter and Bob and Officer Dean and the Mayor look like.

Good luck!
-Sela

P.S. You repeat 'The Mayor' in one of your paragraphs about six times. Maybe try a different noun?

Thanks for the review. I really respect and understand what you say here. I will work on it a little more, and see what I can do with it. I'm sorry that part wasn't obvious enough. Carter was supposed to be talking about how Bob told the mayor how long they had been working without sleep and how the mayor let them go home. That is what he meant by "Bob isn't so worthless after all!"

--Nichole

To me, there were too many characters introduced in this opening. Not that I couldn't keep them straight, it just seemed a bit much to me.

I also felt myself getting confused a few times, like the part that Sela Locke mentioned.

Also, remember to use the word "said" way more than other words. Since this whole thing is mostly dialogue (I think there should be some more description), I found this a lot. You used the word "yelped" once. At that point, I knew I needed to comment on it. Yelping is not something a normal human does; I think of a puppy when someone describes a character as yelping.

You do have some good factors within this, like the characterization of Dean, which I thought was well done.

You did a very good job with this story. I don't read a lot of stories set in present time so when I saw your story I wasn't sure if I would like it, but you did a good job of keeping me interested. I would like to point out that I believe you could use a little more description.

“Do I hear talking in here?!” Officer Dean yelled as he barged back in. Everyone turned their heads to look at Carter and Bob.

Here I don't understand their surroundings. Before I had the feeling that they were outside. Were are located and what kind of structure are they in. For example, are they in an office building or in a house?

“What?! We never had to work that long before! That’s… One, two… Two hour’s over a whole day!” Bob yelped.

What did you mean by two hours over a whole day? I don't know if this means they have to work until two o'clock in the morning or if he is restating the fact that they get two extra hours of work.

This story could use some more work, but overall it is very promising. I can't wait to read more.

okee dokee.. um, you jumped into the plot (which is okay lit device) but you need to give us some background.

This case is not even close to being solved yet!” Officer Dean yelled to everyone. “What, do you all want a murderer running around in the streets?!”

this gives me some idea that this is a crime lab (?) detectives (?)
but what exactly are they doing?


later on you have them talking about ambulance etc etc...

emergency response?

and who are teh characters?
who do I need to be focusing my attention onto?
where am I?


establish setting, characters, etc, and then jump put in this dialogue. it's great, but its like you took it out of the middle of an already established story.

work on it... but definitly repost it! i now am curious about what the heck they are doing.

Thanks for your comments! I am still new at this though, so do you know how to re-post it? Do I have to make a new post or can I just make the changes to this one (if so, how??) I'm a little confused.

Hey there:D

I said I'd review it, so here I am !

I like the topic of the story, I'm a huge fan of crime scene, investigative, police, etc stories! More people should write about it, i think I advice you to read a few stories that contain crime scenes, because it is a tough thing to write due to the precision and detail of what is and isnt possible at a crime scene. Patricia Cornwell is the master of crime scene description, and an awesome author, so maybe find something of hers in the library?
Keep in mind that they'll want to preserve evidence and not contaminate their own crime scene. They're expects, have them act as such.
I'm rather obsesses with crime scene investigation, aspiring to become a forensic anthropologist, and have too many manuals and handbooks regarding many different aspects of investigating crime scenes, so do not hesistate to PM me with any questions! I've studied the topic a lot by reading countless handbooks (including ones used to train the actual CSIs, thanks to a friend of the family who is a retired CSI so I know quite a bit that could be useful to you)

I enjoyed the story!
XxxDo

About your question, you can edit it right here. Just click on the EDIT button in the right, top corner of the post you made. Make sure you're logged in.
PM me for anything.

Hey! I think you have a great story plot but it would be better if you would maybe add in a chapter before, kinda like a preface, or maybe do a flashback thing ; ) But it would be nice to know a little bit more about the characters too like their appearance for example. but besides that you have a great story idea going! Just watch the grammar a bit!

first off, first line I think you could get rid of.

second, a boss can't tell you to work overtime.its against the law.he could only ask them to.

third, [quote]one female and male dead and a gentle man injured

why wasn't the other male called a gentleman? was that poor dead man a scumbag? just wondering

just a tip. Bob is such a common name. could've been Rob or Robert. just sayin



respectfully-hobbes