Ancient Lies; the prologue.

Although I am risking more than my life simply to tell you quite a little of this very odd history, I will do so, in hope that someone, somewhere, shall stop them, the ones who would seek to destroy all defiance.
Deep, deep in the depths of the ocean, lies a great domain, made of an opaque sister of the diamond, commonly called Okrin. It glitters with an inner light, and it is this precious stone that a certain, horrible monster made its city of.
If you met this monster on the street, (which, if you live near a beach, is not unlikely) you would not notice it being there. You would, with all likelihood, only see another man, strolling happily along the side-walk like any ordinary person would. But I advise you not to be fooled. This ‘ordinary person’ is ten times more poisonous than a python, and six times deadlier than a mountain lion; he said it himself. I cannot give you the description I would like to of his real form, for I have not much time. They will be here any minute, and – well, I think that’s something we do not need to elaborate on…
With the little time I have left, I must tell you of the other one, the one who – whether or not you believe me – lives in the sky. I think the first question you’re going to ask is, ‘How come airplanes and birds don’t hit him?’ or something of the sort. That magic is much to deep for me to understand, let alone explain. All I can tell you is this: if you are ever outside, and a red truck drives past, get inside as fast as is physically possible, and pray he didn’t see you. For if he did, well… you don’t have long on this Earth.

*

The woman wrote in blurry scrawls across the mussed paper, feverish eyes burning with an inner intensity. She had bruises all over her visible skin, her clothes filthy rags that hung loosely on her gaunt figure. Brushing a stray lock of blondish-brown hair out of her eyes, she folded up the little pile of writing, sliding it into an envelope that lay beside her on the dirt floor.
The little shack creaked ominously around her, a warning to what was soon to happen. She stood up quickly, striding to the door with an obvious determination replacing the fiery look in her eyes. The crack under the door cast a feeble light inside, illuminating the bale of hay in the corner, the little balls of rejected paper that littered the ground, and the only other furnishing, which was merely a two shelved bookcase.
Her hand was on the wooden doorknob, and her heart was thumping in her chest. A noise outside seemed to make her reconsider, but the look in her eyes – which seemed to falter for a moment – seemed to flare up again, and she pushed open the ancient door. It squealed warningly on its old hinges, repeating the whisper of the little house. Again she ignored it, starting out into the bright sunlight.
“The little fish has finally come out of its hovel.” Rasped a voice which was all too familiar to the woman.
“Sela, where have you been?” asked the other, its voice sweet; almost too sweet.
She stared at the two people before her, a horrified look on her pale face.
For a moment, she opened her mouth, wanting to answer the question with honesty. And then she closed it again, looking down at her feet in clear defeat.
“I told you she wouldn’t have anything to say for herself.” Said the first who had spoken, stepping forward.
“If you were mine, you would pay unspeakably for your deceit, Ecre.” It slapped the woman across the face, sending her staggering back into the hut.
All noise seemed to stop for a moment, a waiting hope clear in the heavy air.
“And yet, I leave her to you… for now.” Said the second one, and then it turned and strolled away, not even casting a glance at her terrified expression.
“Oh don’t worry my friend. ‘For now’ is all I need.” Its voice was filled with an immense pleasure, cruel laughter filling the air as the door swung shut on the two.
All other noises were soon drowned out by the screams of pain that were cast from the shack.

*

The cloaked figure strutted around the trembling form of a girl, growling steadily.
“Get down, stupid. You don’t stand in front of an Olmaniei.” He snarled, shoving her down roughly.
‘S-sir, I do-don’t know wh-why you bro-brought me here, but I- I don’t think my master will be happy. You kno-know he doesn’t like it when - when…” she trailed off, biting her lip savagely.
“When what, little fish? Or do you not want to remember…?” A smile glimmered from under the darkened hood, horribly long fangs glinting in the little light that pushed its way inside the small space.
“I don’t… I don’t believe that has… has anything to do wi-with my lord’s wishes, sir.”
She shivered from her seat on the floor, pulling her ragged cloak closer.
“No, then, I suppose you don’t. Not that it bothers me, only… only I do so wish you would, for my sake. Please, Sela?”
His voice was deadly, yet almost pleading as he stared down at her, waiting for a reply to his odd request.
“You know I can hardly remember anything, sir. But you… you got angry with me, didn’t you?” She looked up hopefully, and his hooded head nodded, almost imperceptibly.
“But why…” Sela started, and then stopped quickly, look of realization hitting her hard and fast.
“I tried to…” she swallowed, pausing. “I only tried to help…” Now her voice was a mere squeak, and her eyes had grown wide, searching the room as if hoping a door or window would appear, so she could escape.
“Help?” the smallest chuckle seemed to taint his voice. “Help? But I don’t believe I asked for help now, did I?”
“N-n-no, sir, y-you didn’t… b-but, I was… you were h-hurt, and I was barely a-awake. It was… it was only instinct really, sir.”
He crouched down next to her, voice barely audible when he spoke again.
“Would I be alright if I did something that was merely instinct, little fish?”
“Ins-instinct? Well I… you’re… I mean, your instincts are kind of…” she trailed off again, seeing something in his hooded eyes that she obviously didn’t like.
He whispered something as he stood back up, and yet it didn’t seem he was saying it to himself, or to his victim. A gust of wind blew through with amazing force, – although no windows or doors were even cracked – tearing the cloak from his shoulders, and carrying it away; even though, as I said before, there were no places for it to go to. It seeped into the wall itself, making no sound.
“Violent?” he murmured, watching with obvious pleasure the horrified expression on Sela’s face. She had only seen him so a very few times, and she sat in petrified wonderment, staring up at the creature who stood before her.
He was, in the loosest sense, a terrible sight. Standing as any human would, the wolf flexed his long claws, his black pelt smelling of blood, and… fear.
The animal wore a simple black tunic, stained quite obviously with fresh blood. He fiddled aimlessly with the scimitar that hung from his left hip, stroking the ruby enameled hilt.
“Yes, I am…” he lunged forward, digging his claws deep into her thigh, a fanged smile filling his horrific face. “Quite wild.”

My dearest Sela, I think you've hit it. ^_^ Oy, there's always room for improvement, and you do linger on the second bit longer than is probably apt for balance.

And yet your pacing, as well as your voice, is much clearer.


I'll be back to be more in-depth if you like--but honestly, this is a good introduction, and 'tis brilliant in comparison.








IMP

Well then!
-Tries not to explode with a feeling of accomplishment-
Stop stroking my ego. It makes me feel too... cool.

Although I'm sure Rick doesn't mind that you think so.
And yes, I would VERY much like it if you reviewed more in-depth-ly.

TAA DUNN,
-Zeh Selanatooorrr.

I suppose it must be because it's new - which means your writing has greatly improved in the last few little whiles - but this was terribly good. All of the actual writing is smoother, prettier, better, nicer and nicerer.

I liked the description at the beginning. The pictures were vivid and not cliche in any way. Also, I believe that first piece of dialogue was fairly clever in its own 'Rick and Kayo' sort of way. They speak so characteristically that I would recognize them from behind a brick wall with both hands hands tied behind my back and a lobotomy.

Anyfrays, if I must relate some amount of storitaical criticism before small technicalities, I would say less 'Sela getting the crap beaten out of her'. It is tempting to, yes, but it is not always best. I would recommend showing her in other situations so that we get to know her better - that would actually be good for the prologue. Although it is funny how silly Rick is. I always like it.

That magic is much to deep for me to understand

TOO

“The little fish has finally come out of its hovel.” Rasped a voice which was all too familiar to the woman.

If the part after dialogue is immediately describing the dialogue it looks like this:

“The little fish has finally come out of its hovel,” rasped a voice which was all too familiar to the woman.

And if it isn't, it would look like this:

“The little fish has finally come out of its hovel.” The voice rasped in a way which was all too familiar to the woman.

There.

But that's pretty much it. Very much friends I would say. Just cut down a little on the torment and you're GOOOOOD. Not God, good.

^_^

great awesome good good and good. you captured a great sense of fear and a wonderful mystery surrounding the monster thingies which I am still wondering about.

this intro makes me want to read more, figure it all out, and left out just enough to be a great attention hooking prologue.

only one suggestion, though, and that is to get rid of the couple paragraphs in the very beginning where you tell us you are in great danger and there are things in the sea and about red trucks. That section, to me, turned me off because it slashed the mystery and intrigue. I went into your actual plot line with preconieved ideas. The wording also ruined my curiosity and replaced it with an "oh no, not one of these monster stories again."

sometimes, the reader knowing less is really more.

but despite your opening, you did a fantastic job when you started getting into plot and introduced your characters.

I also like the name Sela. Was this intentionally placed with deeper meaning (in the bible it means to stop and rest)? or is it simply a cool name. be careful if you don't want readers to read too far into the name.

Interesting prologue. It makes me want to read more of your works.

“If you were mine, you would pay unspeakably for your deceit, Ecre.” It slapped the woman across the face, sending her staggering back into the hut.
All noise seemed to stop for a moment, a waiting hope clear in the heavy air.
“And yet, I leave her to you… for now.” Said the second one, and then it turned and strolled away, not even casting a glance at her terrified expression

I was a bit confused in this part. Did the creature slap her or did the words simply felt as if he slapped her? And if she did return into the hut, did she peek out again with a terrified expression?



Best of luck. Keep on writing.

Thanks so much! ^^
Reviews are so friendly. xD
No, since the door was open, when he slapped her, she stumbled back into the hut, but they could both still see her.
I might re-do it just to make that clear though. Thanks for pointing it out. ^^

Wow, that's amazing. You've captured the emotion of the story so well. The actions of the characters make such a vivid imagery. The stuttering really shows the fear in the story. The descriptiveness of the voices; you can almost peg their personalities right off. And the beginning, such a vague description...But in a good way. It was short and sweet, right to the point and adequately explained what needed to be known without going into too much (or too little) detail. Aside from some grammatical errors, this story is great!

there is one thing I'd like to comment on.

"If you were mine, you would pay unspeakably for your deceit, Ecre.” It slapped the woman across the face, sending her staggering back into the hut.

All noise seemed to stop for a moment, a waiting hope clear in the heavy air.

“And yet, I leave her to you… for now.” Said the second one, and then it turned and strolled away, not even casting a glance at her terrified expression.

“Oh don’t worry my friend. ‘For now’ is all I need.” Its voice was filled with an immense pleasure, cruel laughter filling the air as the door swung shut on the two.

All other noises were soon drowned out by the screams of pain that were cast from the shack.

okay, this might just be where I'm so tired, but this part confused me a little. I had to read it over a few times before I could get what was happening.

This beginning definitely makes me want to read more of the story. There were a few parts that comfused me a little bit, but for the most part this story flows very well.

<--just a little randomness!

great job!

This is great! All nitpicks have already been done. So there's nothing for me to say except this was well-done. Keep the good work up.

Alex

That was really great.

Your descriptions of things are great, its like a breath of fresh air, I can see everything so vividly and crisply.

All of the critic points have already been pointed out so all that is left to say by me is that was some really great writing and I want to read more!