My first advise would be to make the beginning more of an attention-grabber. Maybe use more details when they break into the house.
Also, I noticed that you do a lot of TELLING. You can’t do that, otherwise the reader will loose interest. Your story is sort of like: First, she did this…Then, she did this…Following, they did that. And so on. Detail I think would help that a lot.
Plus, talk about her emotions. This really is too short to give too much of the plot away, but you do need to include what she and her friend are feeling at this moment. You gave us a basic overview but we need more!
Other than that, these are the things I noticed:
The screen came loose easily and I threw it aside before trying the window to see if it was locked. It slid open easily and I gave her a triumphant smile.
In these two sentences, you used “easily” twice. Need to find a different word for at least one of them, if not for both.
Now, for the next three quotes, my comments are the same:
“Do you want me to count the times?” She whispered, smacking me in the head playfully.
“Well this time we won’t get caught.” I told her. “Give me a boost”
“Why do I listen to you again?” She whispered.
These three are all grammatical things. When you have dialogue, you have to do this:
Example:
“Sherry, where are you?” she asked.
“Over here…” a voice sounded not far away.
Maybe that wasn’t the best example…but you see how the first dialogue entry was a small “s” on she? That is what you need to do.
So, like in your first quote, you said: ]“Do you want me to count the times?” She whispered, smacking me in the head playfully. You should put a small “s” on “she” because you don’t need capitals there.
The same goes for the next two:
]“Well this time we won’t get caught.” I told her. “Give me a boost” Now, in this one, you need to put a comma after “caught”, so it reads: “Well this time we won’t get caught,” I told her. You see what I mean?
Next one is the same as the first. Small “s” on “she whispered”.
Okay, moving on…:wink:
Other than all those things, you did catch my attention towards the end. Which is a good thing!
Hopefully all these things helped you!
On to Chapter Two!
