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Living in Mercer Island until our adulthood, Arabella, Liam, Alex and I often discussed what had made us come together. I said that it had been the fight. Arabella, Liam and Alex said that it had been my dad.

In a good way or bad, I asked them. They replied both. When I saw that answer, I frowned and retorted that it had really begun with Alexander Graham Bell, whose telephone invention had been limited to the hearing culture. That caused Arabella to smile, but we all consulted Lori who said we were all right.

Being Northwestern people, it stumped people that we did not know where our riches came from. When we replied that we were adopted, the inquirers sniffed and went on their way. The adoption is not entirely true. After my father died, I received his fortune, which was a surprise. Our last moments had been bitter.

Jack Hart had been a lawyer whose favorite book had been “To Kill a Mockingbird” and braced himself for the most personal case he had ever had, believing in Atticus Finch’s quote, “every lawyer has one case that hurts him personally.”

That case came when I was thirteen. And it changed my life too.


Mercer Island was one of those small towns in the Northwest—possibly the smallest in the county. It was a foot-sole shaped island and when I looked out from my windows, I would see fog blurring the horizon across Lake Washington, sometimes even concealing it in the fall and winter seasons. But I jokingly called it an overpriced town because of the prices on the houses was about half a million, minimum. My mother would say that people moved fast, that just relaxing was not enough. That statement was bluntly opposed by Jack, who simply just sat down and read Christian books most of the time when he was not in the courtroom.

But for the rest of the population, I never saw them lying across lawns and petting their dogs. They always had to move, as if worried that their lives would go too fast. For me, it goes too slowly, but perhaps people were reassured for the fact that if they kept moving, nothing would hurt them. I counted 23 car and bicycle accidents in the newspapers when it turned into 2007.

But it was a chameleon town. When it turned into winter and it rained, the pavement would be soaked to a slate-gray as rivulets of water went down the island hills. It was mostly hills, so there were several rivulets wherever I saw. In the summer, it was hotter than my mother’s oven, that if you were barefoot, your feet would never heal from the burns you got from the pavement.

My home was heaven.

School was simply hell.

I stood out because of my deafness and my last deaf friend had moved to Alaska, so there was no-one to talk to and rant about my day.

That was when people started teasing me. “Hellos” and conversations weren’t rare, but they weren’t every day. Many people started ignoring me when I said hi. Then again, three-fourths of the student population was in the “in” crowd. I was left in the dust, cursing my decision to not stay at my private school for the deaf in Shoreline. One time, I was called a pervert because someone poked a girl’s butt and blamed it on me.

When I was in eighth-grade, that was when the trial came to us.
And we'll be a dream...

"Dee Dubbleyou." - BigBadBear




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Oh, Ross, this is lovely! This style of yours sounds much like Harper Lee's, especially with the tone I can hear the narrator assume.

I loved the way you started. The "I said..." and "Arabella, Liam, and Alex said..." was my favorite part of the beginning.

Chameleon town? That's a vivid description. I love it. Rivulets? Awesome word choice--but then again, that's nothing new when it comes to your writing.

I think you should get rid of the line about being called a pervert. For some reason it doesn't seem to fit the mood of the piece.

Overall this is, by far, is the best I've seen/read from you. If you finish this book it will be Barnes and Noble worthy.

- Summerless :]




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Hello! Overall, I have to say, I really liked this. But more of that later -- nitpicks first. :D

That caused Arabella to smile, but we all consulted Lori who said we were all right.
I don't like the repetition of "all" in this sentence. I suggest you delete the second one.

Being Northwestern people, it stumped people that we did not know where our riches came from.
I don't like the repetition of "people" in THIS sentence. Here, I suggest you delete the first one.

It was a foot-sole shaped island and when I looked out from my windows, I would see fog blurring the horizon across Lake Washington, sometimes even concealing it in the fall and winter seasons.
For some reason, "foot-sole" confused me. :P Maybe consider changing it to just "foot-shaped" or "footprint-shaped?" *shrug*

But I jokingly called it an overpriced town because of the prices on the houses was about half a million, minimum.
That isn't actually very much. I don't know about the western US, but towards the east shore houses can go for over a million easily, in the right areas.

That statement was bluntly opposed by Jack, who simply just sat down and read Christian books most of the time when he was not in the courtroom.
In this example, "simply" and "just" mean practically the same thing. Therefore you should get rid of one of them, so as not to have repetition. :wink:

For me, it goes too slowly, but perhaps people were reassured for the fact that if they kept moving, nothing would hurt them.
I've never seen anyone say "reassured for," only "reassured BY." But I guess it's up to you.

But it was a chameleon town.
I love this section! Such gorgeous imagery!

It was mostly hills, so there were several rivulets wherever I saw.
The second part of this sentence seems awkward; maybe try changing it to something like "so I saw sever rivulets." or "so there were several rivulets wherever I looked." I just think saying "wherever I saw" sounds awkward.

Then again, three-fourths of the student population was in the “in” crowd.
It seems more natural to me to say "three quarters," but it's a matter of opinion.

One time, I was called a pervert because someone poked a girl’s butt and blamed it on me.
I agree that this is out of place. If I were you, I'd cut it.
_______________


Beginnings are important.

I think the first part of this story went a little too fast and frankly didn't really catch my attention. You say all these things about people and things that your narrator assumes we know about. Of course, we don't. I understand that a lot of books start that way, but this is a little too much, methinks. Try to expand a little more on that part. Or, you could get rid of it and start with a description of the "chameleon town." That would be a grabbing beginning that would get my attention and pull me in. It's up to you, really, but I think that because description seems to e your strong point, you should start with it. Then, you could merge important aspects of the first part (like the stuff about her dad) into the second part.

Other than that, though, I really liked this. It was an awesome introduction/first chapter in that I feel interested in your characters and setting and plot, and I really want to read on. If there were more, I would be reading it. The very idea of having a deaf main character/narrator interests me. For awhile now, I have been thinking of writing something from the point of view of a blind person, as an experiment. It seems to me that having a character who is handicapped in this kind of way gives a sense of gravity and respect. It makes the readers respect the characters, just for what they must put up with everyday.

Your descriptions are gorgeous, and you don't get carried away with them -- which is wonderful. I see a lot of people (including myself, I'm afraid) start with what would be great imagery, but overdo it and ruin the whole thing. You have the perfect balance of showing us what it is like, but still leaving something up to our imaginations. Good job!

Please feel free to PM me if you have any questions. Also, would you mind PMing me when you post more of this? I'd love to read it.

Hope this helps!
~Azila~




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Living in Mercer Island until our adulthood, Arabella, Liam, Alex and I often discussed what had made us come together. [I'd suggest 'what brought us together' rather than 'what had made us come together' because it flows more smoothly and isn't such a mouthful to say.]

But I jokingly called it an overpriced town because of the prices on the houses was about half a million, minimum. [Again, I think your wording could be a little better, maybe something like: '...because the houses would sell for a half million minimum.': and I have to agree that a half million is quite a decent price for a house.]

For me, it goes too slowly, but perhaps people were reassured [s]for[/s] by the fact [I don't think fact is the best choice of words unless you're trying to be sarcastic?] that if they kept moving, nothing would hurt them.

It was mostly hills, so there were several rivulets wherever I [s]saw[/s] looked.

In the summer, it was hotter than my mother’s oven, so hot in fact that if you were barefoot, your feet would never heal from the burns you got from the pavement. [I'd suggest from the burns the pavement delivered'.]

______________________________________

I think the beginning needs some work as there were sections of info-dumping there and at first it didn't really seem to fit together but you have some absolutely gorgeous descriptions and a very intriguing start. The tone is very well developed, as is your Narrator and there's a lovely feel to it.

I'm very curious as to what the trial is and you've got me thinking questions so great job there but I think you maybe throw in a few too many names with very little explanation - who are these people? Just a brief, sketchy outline would help and give you another opportunity to flount your lovely descriptive powers.

So try to mesh the beginning togetehr a bit more, give us a stronger introduction and keep up the good work. I really liked this. Sorry it took me so long to read and comment but I'm very glad I did now xx
Writing Gooder

~Previously KittyKatSparklesExplosion15~

The light shines brightest in the darkest places.




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Okay, this was amazing how closely connected this was to To Kill a Mockingbird, one of my favorite books. I loved how you sort of "modeled" it after that book yet made it your own.

You also have a fabulous style, and most of my nitpicks were already covered. Wonderful! I'd love to read more.
"Jump off cliffs and build your wings on the way down." --Ray Bradbury




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Great work!

I like how u made it closely related to "To Kill a Mockingbird."

I agree that you should cut out that pervert part. It doesn't flow with the story.

And Calix, half a mil is pretty common here. Especially in Eaglemont and Anacortes. If you meant Mercer Island, most of the houses there are one mil.

Alex
One by one, the penguins are stealing my sanity.




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All I can say dw is well...
WOW!!!
Your writing is amazing! I really love it when people actually write about what really goes on behind closed doors to others, to let them see how it feels to be something! Your description was amazing also, hope you write more!!!




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i like it... very well flowing and readable.
How vain it is to sit down to write when you have not stood up to live.

-Henry David Thoreau




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i like it... very well flowing and readable.

you did a good job of developing interest in both the backstory and the events to come.... i can't wait to read more. there are some grammatical errors, but those have already been pointed out.
How vain it is to sit down to write when you have not stood up to live.

-Henry David Thoreau



In any free society, the conflict between social conformity and individual liberty is permanent, unresolvable, and necessary.
— Kathleen Norris