A Little Murmur

I actually wrote this after my Algebra Exam, it was more instinct than concentration. I really like it, but it needs something.


A Little Murmur

In the back of our head,
There is a voice,
but it is hardly a voice at all,
it is more like a whisper,
a murmur really.
It echoes the possibility
of what we should do,
the option we've already
thought about,
but not considered.
That little murmur,
whether we choose to listen or not,
speaks to us.

On a related topic,
People are always saying,
that they are
'Searching for answers,"
"Looking for the light, the right,"
"Looking for God."
Searching, always searching,
but never finding.
They say,
"The meaning of life
is lost"
It's not lost, not really,
you just have to look harder.
And if you really think,
you'll see that it's right there.

You'll find the answer inside of you,
Yes, that little murmur I mentioned,
It's there,
always there, listening, whispering,
telling us what we should do,
but don't have to do.

Yes, people wonder what path to take,
yet subconsciencely,
they know it all along.
They say they're trying to find God.
But if they think,
for once, think,
maybe they'll realize that
Who else,
who,
could have sent that little murmur,
that little conscience,
to us,
but God?
Simple, really.


I think it might be a bit long, what should I take out? Reviews are VERY much appreciated, and while I'm fine with spelling/grammar corrections, (i do have awful spelling), corrections on the text itself would be more helpful. Thank you so much!


Jenni

I am usually not one for poetry, which it seems this is some, but it is okay for a piece. You may want to sum it up however. For a poem, it does seem a little long. You wrote this during algerbra? I do simular stuff. The story I'm typing, I got from a picture I drew. The picture was a girl sitting on a grave. Well, an angel, not a girl. To read the scene, read the girl's part I have on here. It is called Dark Blood. I'm still working on it however.

Ooh, I really liked this! You're right, it did seem to get a bit lengthy, so maybe you can cut a few lines? i do the same thing, i write lots of my poems during math or science, both subjects I hate. Good job!

K.Lina

Yes, I agree, it is a bit lengthy.

This definitely has potential. However, the one thing it lacks is SHOWING. At the moment, you're telling us far too much of the argument. Explore with imagery:

"The murmur drills
its eternal mantra
relentlessly into your mind."

Something like that. Trust your audience to go along with the metaphor and figure out the true meaning for themselves (they might even find a different one), and therefore the whole message.

Like I said, this has potential. Keep working at it and this could be a real gem.

Good luck. 6/10

Hey Jenni,I guess your Algebra exam was hilarious!:)

About the poem first thing I would say why you being so much bothered about the length?
Are you running out of ink?or pages?or you need to fix that poem in a small sheet?
Length does not at all matter really.The thing which matters is whether you have been able to take out the meaning,
or the whole story or the point you wanted to make clear in it.And yes you did that job perfectly in the poem.I liked the idea.

The only crit I can give here is that in some places I felt like its not a poem rather its paragraph you wrote about a definite topic.
Like here:

"It's not lost, not really,
you just have to look harder.
And if you really think,
you'll see that it's right there."

I wish there was some rythm into it which may I think rub that drawback out.I liked the way you wrote this part though:

"On a related topic,
People are always saying,
that they are
'Searching for answers,"
"Looking for the light, the right,"
"Looking for God."
Searching, always searching,
but never finding.
They say,
"The meaning of life
is lost"
It's not lost,"

see you around then.

~Shine~

Hey Jenni- I never paid attention in math for the duration of my lessons. I'm very happy that they're over hehe.

So I liked this, the title engaged my interest. You've raised some good concepts quite subtely without feeling the need to shove it down our throats. The 'Little Murmur' in the back of one's head is great. Nice touch.

You've certainly put this poem in the right section...because some of it seems more like prose than poetry.

Just be careful about your imagery though. I think in your haste to make it poweful you've overcomplicated things. Remember, simplicity is good too.

Hope and best wishes

Eimear xx

You line breaks are too sudden and jarring. And you use more commas than needed.

People don't like being told what to do, but with this poem you stand on a soap box and shout. Don't try to tell your reader (or, rather, force down their throat) your ideas on God and the little murmur. Instead, show it to them through yourself. If that makes sense?

I think you could have a lot of good wit in your lines if you wrote them properly, and yes, this is way too long. I'm not entirely sure what to suggest. The best suggestion I could give is to read more poetry. Reading poetry, I have found, is one of the best ways to learn how to write poetry. You do so much telling here, and poetry is a lot more than a small idea and telling it to your reader. Paint a picture for your reader, use poetic devices, making them think, or feel. Er, am I making any sense? If you have any questions, go right ahead and pm me. ^_^

Bah.

This poems are always hard because they think they're clever. I'm not saying that as an insult or as if it's something bad, but they're all about holding out the answer until the end, and you know, opening the eyes of the reader, leave them saying: "Oh, wow. This guy is right." And sometimes it works and sometimes it ends up, because it relies far too much on the lesson given other than the actual writing and skill, being uninteresting. I can't say yours was bad at all, it is nice and optimistic and all that, but I can't really say it captivated me much, or that it really said much to me.

And the things you connect, conscience and God, are too far apart for us to think about them like they are intertwined. I mean, sure, one might argue that religion and God is all about morality and having that "little murmur" but it's like you're struggling to bring it together. Overall though, good job.

okay, this should be fun! my first review!!! Anyway, it was very good. It's like, your own way of explaining something. And it was very well written. Yes, it was alittle long, but sometimes it takes alittle more to explain things. I think if you wanted to you could shorten it, just make sure the parts you take out arent that important. Its good to have them short and straight to the point, but with that particular poem, the message you were getting across was complicated. so try to use deep words, and i think its great!!

Dang, you wrote that in math? Nice job.
Umm, I think you did a very good job writing this.. although I'd hate to see you grade in math. I loved the free verse pattern. It is very thought provoking and has alot of depth.