The Dragon Knights

This was originally going to be a short story my friends challenged me to write...but now it has progressed in to being a rewrite of a book I'm working on. Which I think is fine and dandy because I was having a hard time with how I wrote the beginning of that story and I wanted to change the title. =P this isn't fully done so, of course I will be working on it for awhile...but I need a break at the moment.

~*~

Chapter 1:

Jing sat at the small table he used as a desk when writing his tales for the minstrels of the village. His head rested on the hard wood, his skin tingling from the emanating coldness. His eyes were half open as he stared toward the only window in the small room, which served as both a kitchen and a dining area. He would stare at it for hours, until an idea sparked in his thoughts or if fatigue reared its head.

Rain caressed the window's cracked glass. It was a soft rain with a rhythm that would soothe even the shadows that lurked in the night. The howl of a lone wolf broke the alluring whispers of the rain. It was distant, but it still brought the young hybrid back to reality with a start.

In a daze, he lifted his head off the table and stared at the table surface. A few sheets of parchment were spread widely over the table. Words of ink littered the papers. He reached for one and his chestnut eyes scanned over each word, taking in their meanings and structures.

He brushed back a few strands of raven black hair when they fell lazily over his tan face. The black cat ears that took place of any normal boy's human ears shifted back when something heavy crawled in to his lap. Curiosity seizing him, he scooted the chair back and looked down at himself. A fair skinned child had curled herself in to a ball and had the top her blond head pressed against his stomach.

"Lucy?" He asked, a smile playing on his lips. "Why aren't you in bed? It's surely past midnight. If Alexander found out I let you stay up this late, he would skin me."

"I don' want to be alone." The small girl replied. Her voice was barely above a whisper and her vibrant green eyes were staring fearfully up at Jing. She had a beautiful face that men would swoon over once she reached her adult years but for now she was just a cute child in her seventh year. Jing gently pulled her upright and lifted her in to his arms.

"Little Lucy, little Lucy." he mused. She clutched his shirt so she could press her head against his torso. A smile surpassed her lips as the beat of his heart rang in her ears. She felt him stand up from the chair.

"Lucy, why do you think you are alone? Don't you hear the sweet songs of angels as they watch over you when night beckons?" Jing asked as he carried her back to her bedroom. He loved to talk to her differently then how he usually conversed with someone. He would speak to her as if every word he spoke was part of a story. She seemed to enjoy it and never demanded him to stop.

"No." She whispered. She drew away from him when sat down on the edge of her bed. He watched her as she crawled to her pillow and pulled the blankets over her.

A loud knock echoed through the shack that served as Jing and Lucy's home. He looked away from Lucy and down the short hallway. The little light from the candles in the kitchen were casting shadows across the walls.

"Just try, I'm sure you would be able to hear them." He said to Lucy. He gave her a tight hug before rising from the bed. The raptures on the front door grew louder with every step he took.

"I'm coming!" He shouted, in hope that whoever it was would at least stop pounding on the door. He wondered who it could be so late at night. Surely, it wasn't his foster father Alexander for he was not to return for another month. He had left to deliver a message to Lucy's only remaining relative in the Northern Lands.

He grabbed his grey cloak from the rack near the front door and placed it loosely over his shoulders. He lifted the hood and his hybrid appearance was gone. Alexander had ordered him to always wear the cloak when he answered the door or stepped outside. It was to keep strangers from turning him over to Soldiers. Most of the world was still growing used to the fact that humans weren't the only intelligent race. Currently any hybrid found in the land of Allecera was detained or even executed. He pulled open the door and lantern light spilled in to the shack.

"Who are you?" He asked. His gaze was fixed on a young woman. She seemed to be still in her teen years, possibly the same age as Jing. Her dark skin would allow her to blend in with the darkness of the night if she had not been holding a lantern. Her dark hair was pulled back messily and she wore an odd set of clothes. Her tan corset was mostly covered by a shawl with purple hues and she wore trousers instead of skirts. It was not common to see a woman wear both male and female clothing.

"An old friend." She said in reply to his question.

"I'm sorry, but I have never seen you before." He stated. He tried to close the door but the girl kicked it just before it was fully shut. The door veered back, allowing her to step inside.

"It is rather rude to shut a door when someone wants to come in." She snapped. Her almond eyes stared at him, watching as he staggered from getting hit by the door. "But you don't seem to remember me, so, I will forgive you." A small smile formed on her pointed face as she examined him with her hands on her hips.

"What do you want?" Jing asked. Pain swelled across his brow and a bruise was forming.

i like it well writen and great charecters..... well done.

Silverwit wrote:Jing sat at the small table he used for as a desk when writing his tales for the minstrels of the village.

Is it "for" or "as?"

Silverwit wrote:He gaver her a tight hug (making her squeal with giggles) before rising from the bed.

Personally, I don't like to see parentheses in story, they look unprofessional and should remain in my TI-83 calculator to do math equations.

Silverwit wrote:He had left to deliver a message to Lucy's only remaining relative in the Northern Lands.

I thought Lucy and Jing were brother and sister. I didn't ruin a big plot line, did I?

Silverwit wrote:It was to keep strangers from turning him over to Soldiers for most of the world was still growing used to the fact that humans weren't the only intelligent race.

RUN-ON Sentence!
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There are a few minor spelling issues, I would recommend using SpellCheck to it's full potential. Other than that, it was really good! It is a very good start; I hope to see more

O.N.

I love these characters. And you manage to make the cliche cat-boy a little more life like and interesting! That can be a difficult task. One thing, could you describe shack with a different word? Sorry, it just seems really unrefined to appear out of dialogue. Hut maybe? Cottage? Something?

PM me if you have any questions. You've earned a gold star. Keep writing!

-Pinata

This story has a lot of potential. Normally, cat-like or feline characters are difficult to write, because they need to be so elegant and such, but you did a good job. I almost found myself imagining that they were purring, hehe.

His head rested on the hardwood, making his skin tingle from the cold sensation it gave off.

Okay, "hard" and "wood" should be seperate words, unless the table really is hardwood. Second, you could say," . . . hardwood, his skin tingling from the emanating coldness."

His eyes were half open as he stared toward the only window in the small room that served as both a kitchen and a dining area. He would stare at it for hours until an idea sparked in his thoughts or if fatigue reared its head.

Maybe have a comma after "room," and change "that" to "which." The sentence seems to just go on, whereas commas and semicolons break it up and allow the reader to breath. And, after "hours" there should be a comma.

Rain was carressing the window's cracked glass.

Perhaps "caressed" without "was" could be more correct.

It was distant but it still brought the young hybrid back to reality with a start.

Comma after "distant."

In a daze he lifted his head off the table and stared down

Comma after "daze". Also, downwards or at the table surface would seem better. If the latter, descirbe the surface, rough, smooth, dirty, grimy, dusty, covered with papers, whatever.

He reached for one and his chestnut eyes scanned over each word, taking in their meanings and structures.

Comma after "one". It's okay to have more than one in each sentence. I've got some that have three or four, with semicolons thrown in too. It's good to have punctuation salad.

"Little Lucy, little Lucy." He mused.

'"Little Lucy, little Lucy," he mused.' would be correct. Also, most of the time when someone begins speaking, unless it's the same person, it's normal to begin a new paragraph. For example, the paragraph that ends: "seventh year," could have the beginning sentecne of the next paragraph tagging along. That way, when Jing starts speaking, it draws more attention and seems important because it begins a new paragraph. And, the paragraph after that could tag along to this one, because Jing is still talking.

Sorry for being so critical. It's just that: "If grammar is correct, the reader will find it easier to connect." Do want me to say more, or did I give enough for you to edit the rest? All in all, like I said, this story seems really good. I don't know, I guess I'm drawn to catty characters.

I hope you are adding more because what I've seen so far was excellent and has piqued my interests. Of course the others caught a few grammar and speeling problems so I have no other critiques. Great job and keep going.

Thank you all for the compliments and critiques. Espically the critiques, I was in much need of them. <3 Thanks again!

[s]Jing sat at the small table he used as a desk when writing his tales for the minstrels of the village[/s]. His head rested on the hardwood, making his skin tingle from the cold sensation it gave off.

I suggest starting your story off with the second sentece. say: Jing's head rested on the hardwood of the small table, his skin tingling from the cold sensation it gave off.

Rain was carressing the window's cracked glass.

Say: caressed not was carressing

He brushed back a few strands of raven black hair when they fell lazily over his tan face.

Instead say" He brushed back a few strands of raven black hair that had fallen over his tan face. "

"No." She whispered. She drew away from him when sat down on the edge of her bed.

-- The wording of this sentence is sort of strange. reread it.

He watched her as she crawled to her pillow and pulled the blankets over her.

Maybe have her pull the blankets over her head because she seems scared.

The little light from the cadles in the kitchen were casting shadows across the walls.

-- should be candles

He pulled open the door and lantern light spilled in to the shack. "Who are you?" He asked, his gaze fixed on a young woman. She seemed to be still in her teen years, possibly the same age as Jing. Her dark skin would allow her to blend in with the darkness of the night if she had not been holding a lantern. Her dark hair was pulled back messily and she wore an odd set of clothes. Her tan corset was mostly covered by a shawl with purple hues and she wore trousers instead of skirts. It was not common to see a woman wear both male and female clothing.

-- Here I suggest when he pulls open the door you don't have him ask a questions first instead have a description of the woman. Say a young woman stood in the doorway, a latern casting an orange glow on her tan face. Then use the rest of your description. At the end have him say, who are you and then have her reply.

I really liked this chaptere! Well done! I loved your descriptions and everything. It's quite an original idea. Just a few additional suggestions:
1) Show don't tell. You want the audience to feel what your character is feeling, see what he is seeing, etc.
2) Take another look at your dialogue. At times it seems as though it is stiff. Think about how people talk to one another and try to incorporate that into your story.
3) Make sure you are getting your character's emotions across to the readers. They want to know how he is feeling. Maybe have his heart ache when he sees lucy all scared in his lap or have him be sad when he thinks of his foster father sending a letter to Lucy's only living relative.

Other than that well done! Keep up the good work!

I think it was very nice and very descriptive. But, I do think it was sort of boring in the begining. I was going to stop reading, but I urged myself to read on, and it turned out to be very good! One thing I have to say is that when someone speaks, the correct way to write it is, '"Blah blah blah blah blah," (s)he said.' Instead of '"Blah blah blah." (S)He said.' Also, I think you used the word "he" too much. Other than that, it was really good.

Well done I lake it. Of course you have some mistakes, but this is not problem( My English is not very good too).
It is very interesting. Keep going.

P.S. where are you from?