Yarn Prologue -Majorly revised-

I guess I should explain myself. As I wrote what is now chapter 2, I realized that I really do need this story to be in 3rd person. Too many characters to juggle with only one person's POV. So, I had to go back, change everything, and work alot on showing. Not telling.

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The random bleep of items being scanned echoed through the large, marble tiled grocery. Shopping carts rattled in the aisles as the tired shoppers stared aimlessly at the shelves, trying to decide between quantity and quality. Satu lazily picked up the tabloid from the racks and flipped through it. One article titled “Fairy Tales Are Real” caught her eye particularly and she turned back a few pages to read it. It was a tiny article in the top right corner of the page; it was also a very opinionated article, and it was a wonder it was even published.

“Once upon a time…

These cliché words are fairly common in what are known as “fairy tales”. It would seem that saying “once upon a time” would make the setting long ago, but in truth, those words make the setting any time.

Fairy tales are blindly known for their childlike innocence in which it always ends “Happily Ever After”, and yet so many stories end with death, leaving nothing but bloodstained pages for the reader to remember. In times long gone, bloodstained words were all there was to remember, for stories then were told around fires or in households.

In the entire world, some will blatantly argue that fairy tales can’t be real; there are no more uninhabited parts of the world! People or satellites would know that something was occurring there! Not to mention the fact that there are no records of talking pigs or wolves.

On the other hand, people who don’t believe (and many don’t, I assure you) haven’t taken a close look at the setting of most of the tales. The best ones are known to have occurred in a dark, disorienting woods somewhere.

If only one could find the woods…

As for talking animals, maybe no one has listened. “

Satu set down the tabloid back in its slot and it flopped over the edge of the shelf. It wasn’t a bad idea really, fairy tales being true. The author of that article has come up with some decent arguments, but in truth, science and technology would have probably found the woods by now. Satellites scoured every inch of the earth at every moment. There was nowhere for fantasy to hide.
The milk sloshed against the side of the jug as it progressed down the conveyor belt towards the checkout woman.

“That’ll be a dollar and eight cents, ma’am.”

Satu dug into her pocket and came up with a five dollar bill. The lady handed her the change along with the plastic bag which crinkled as it was passed.
Satu walked home and around to the back of her house. The glass door slide silently open, and she stepped inside while staring at the ground.
When Satu looked up, her eyes locked with the stout mother’s blue eyes. Hands on her hips and her foot tapping impatiently, she was the very image of annoyance.

“Hey Mom, is there something wrong?” Satu asked curiously.

“Oh no, nothing,” her mother sarcastically began, “Jamie just called to ask you why you weren’t going to college this upcoming year.”

Satu sighed, annoyed, “Mom it’s just for a year; I want to live for awhile!”

“Oh and you’re not living now? Satu, you’re eighteen-”

“Yes, I am,” Satu grumbled, “but-“

“But nothing,” interrupted her mother, “You live in my house, you’ll follow my rules! You’re going to college!”

“You’re the one who bought a house without a bedroom for your own daughter!” Satu gestured furiously around at the cold, unfinished basement.

“At least I gave you something! You could be sleeping on the couch!” her mother defended before raising her hands in the air, “Fine! Do what you want; go ahead and ruin your chances at a good college!”

With this shout, Satu’s mother turned on her heels and marched upstairs, slamming the door to the basement behind her.

Satu stomped over to the folding card table and slung the bag with the milk onto it.

The couch absorbed the impact as Satu bounced into it and held her face in her hands. Her long auburn hair gathered over her face and Satu sighed deeply while counting to ten. She looked up, slightly calmer, and walked over to her desk.

After rifling through the books on it, she found it: the big book of fairy tales. She opened it, and read them, considering how, if the names and creatures were twisted, they were not as farfetched as some would claim.

“If only one could find the woods…”

Firstly, I have to admidt, I didn't read your first story, so I don't know whether or not this is an improvement, but I really like it as it is now. That being said, let's get down to some critiquing.

Good things:

-Forshadowing. Since this is the begining of a novel, it's okay that you have not yet explained the signifigance of Fairy Tales being true, and how this relates to Satu, and it gives something the reader to wonder about before you post the next chapter.

-Dialogue. It's very realistic, and I could just picture Satu and her mom as real people having the same conflict as almost every teen seems to have. It also helps fill out Satu's character without explaining things about her- she's slightly rebellious, feels smothered and longs for adventure. Which brings us to the next good thing...

-Characterization. Satu is a believeable character. She's also interesting. She's the type of person who's one part logic, two-parts dreams. She wants Fairy Tales to be true as much as she admits they can't be, and she longs for an adventure to contrast her boring life now, presumably filled with school and grocery shopping. i can't wait to see what kind of Spark sets off her adventure. She's the type of girl who could get into trouble quite unintentionally.

Also, Satu's mom is well characterized. This line is so real- "Hands on her hips and her foot tapping impatiently, she was the very image of annoyance."




Suggestions/things to change:

-It starts off slow. She's in the supermarket and is reading a weird tabloid article, It's strange, but also boring, and doesn't really pull the reader in with conflict or something meaningful.

-The ending should be more of a cliffhanger, I think, although this is really my personal opinion. Instead of just restating the article with the suggestion that something is going to happen, it should end with a stance, choice, or threat of action. Something that will leave the reader shocked, nervous, or excited about what's going to happen next. At this point, the reader isn't bored, but she isn't 100% drawn in and if she puts to book down now, she isn't caught up enough in it that she'll remember to pick it up again later.

I think the word I'm searching for is pace.

Ah! Thankyou for the critique! Very helpful! Means alot! I understand your point about pace, I'll be looking into that as well!

Sorry, for the bump. Really, really sorry.

Incredibly sorry for the bump. I'm in desperate need of reviews!

The story's only been up a couple days, be patient. ^_^

Anyway, this was a really great opening, and I like the way you set the scene in the grocery and the house. Your dialogue is very good, the exchange between Satu and her mother felt very real. Satu was also very easy to identify with right off, and seems like a very likeable character. I do think, though, that you could show us a little bit more of her thoughts and feelings...? I dunno, I probably only felt that way because the piece was so short, so I'll reevaluate my opinion after I've read chapter one at least. ^_^

I also really liked a lot of the narration and description, you've got a knack for it. It helped us see the scene and the people involved without getting in the way, so awesome job there.

I actually really like the ending, your last sentence was kind of... all sorts of awesome. I think the foreshadowing was enough to keep at least me interested.

One article titled “Fairy Tales Are Real” caught her eye particularly and she turned back a few pages to read it. It was a tiny article in the top right corner of the page; it was also a very opinionated article, and it was a wonder it was even published

I feel like this was condensed a little too much, almost, like it happened too fast. The pacing just felt odd in this paragraph... like, this is something that I'm going to guess it very important to your story, but you introduced it so suddenly, it was almost like you were just mentioning it in passing. You might want to try maybe talking about the grocery a bit more, describing things as Satu's eye wanders past them, something like that, then have her gaze fall on the magazine, etc. I hope that made some sense... pacing is my weakest point, so it's hard for me to offer good advice on it.

Also, I did think it was a little strange that she says it's a wonder the article was ever published... I mean, I know it was a little odd, but we're talking about a tabloid magazine here. Isn't that the sort where they go on about how there are aliens here or Elvis is alive or all other manner of the paranormal? "Fairy Tales are Real" sounds kinda tame and logical compared to the sort of stuff I've seen on some tabloid covers.

Fairy tales are blindly known for their childlike innocence in which it always ends “Happily Ever After”,

"Blindly known" sounds like sort of an awkward phrase to me... you might want to take out the adverb.

Overall, really nice job, I'll definitely be reading chapter one. ^_^

Talking_Pinata wrote:I guess I should explain myself. As I wrote what is now chapter 2, I realized that I really do need this story to be in 3rd person. Too many characters to juggle with only one person's POV. So, I had to go back, change everything, and work alot on showing. Not telling.

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The random bleep(try to find another word for bleep) of items being scanned echoed through the large, marble tiled grocery. Shopping carts rattled in the aisles as the tired shoppers stared aimlessly at the shelves, trying to decide between quantity and quality. Satu lazily picked up the tabloid from the racks and flipped through it. One article titled “Fairy Tales Are Real” caught her eye particularly(I think you mean in particular) and she turned back a few pages to read it. It was a tiny article in the top right corner of the page; [s]it was also a very opinionated article, and it was a wonder it was even published[/s].

“Once upon a time…

These cliché words are [s]fairly[/s] common in what are known as “fairy tales”. It would seem that saying “once upon a time” would make the setting long ago, but in truth, those words make the setting any time this is very awkward wording. Either delete it or rewrite this sentence.

[s]Fairy tales are blindly known for their childlike innocence in which it always ends “Happily Ever After”, and yet so many stories end with death, leaving nothing but bloodstained pages for the reader to remember. In times long gone, bloodstained words were all there was to remember, for stories then were told around fires or in households. [/s] I really don't think you need this paragraph
In the entire world, some will blatantly argue that fairy tales can’t be real; there are no more uninhabited parts of the world! People or satellites would know that something was occurring there! Not to mention the fact that there are no records of talking pigs or wolves.

On the other hand, people who don’t believe (and many don’t, I assure you) haven’t taken a close look at the setting of most of the tales. The best ones are known to have occurred in a dark, disorienting woods somewhere.

These three paragraphs don't really add to the piece. If Satu is thinking these things incorporate action into it while having her pick up groceries. Maybe have her say to herself, fairytales are such a waste of time or something.
If only one could find the woods…

As for talking animals, maybe no one has listened. “

Satu set down the tabloid back in its slot and it flopped over the edge of the shelf. It wasn’t a bad idea really, fairy tales being true. The author of that article has come up with some decent arguments, but in truth, science and technology would have probably found the woods by now. Satellites scoured every inch of the earth at every moment. There was nowhere for fantasy to hide. (I recommend telling your readers about the fairytale you said she saw. It would add more action and make the piece more dynamic. Suggestions: Instead try to incorporate her views on fairytales as she reads the story (pm me if you have questions)
The milk sloshed against the side of the jug as it progressed down the conveyor belt towards the checkout woman.

“That’ll be a dollar and eight cents, ma’am.”

Satu dug into her pocket and came up with a five dollar bill. The lady handed her the change along with [s]the[/s] a plastic bag which crinkled as it was passed.
Satu walked home and around to the back of her house. The glass door slid[s]e[/s] silently open, and she stepped inside [s]while staring at the ground[/s].
When Satu looked up, her eyes locked with [s]the[/s] her stout mother’s blue eyes. Hands on her hips and her foot tapping impatiently, she was the very image of annoyance try to find a better word .

“Hey Mom, is there something wrong?” Satu asked curiously.

“Oh no, nothing,” her mother sarcastically began, “Jamie just called to ask you why you weren’t going to college this upcoming year.”

Satu sighed, annoyed, “Mom it’s just for a year; I want to live for awhile!”

“Oh and you’re not living now? Satu, you’re eighteen-”

“Yes, I am,” Satu grumbled, “but-“

“But nothing,” interrupted her mother, “You live in my house, you’ll follow my rules! You’re going to college!”

“You’re the one who bought a house without a bedroom for your own daughter!” Satu gestured furiously around at the cold, unfinished basement.

“At least I gave you something! You could be sleeping on the couch!” her mother defended before raising her hands in the air, “Fine! Do what you want; go ahead and ruin your chances at a good college!”

With this shout, Satu’s mother turned on her heels and marched upstairs, slamming the door to the basement behind her.

Satu stomped over to the folding card table and slung the bag with the milk onto it.

The couch absorbed the impact as Satu bounced into it and held her face in her hands. Her long auburn hair gathered over her face and Satu sighed deeply while counting to ten. She looked up, slightly calmer, and walked over to her desk.

After rifling through the books on it, she found it: the big book of fairy tales. She opened it, and read them, considering how, if the names and creatures were twisted, they were not as farfetched as some would claim.

“If only one could find the woods…”

I really liked this! It was definitley an improvement! Some things to think about
1) Work on your dialogue. At times it seems stiff and awkward. Think of how people talk to one another and try to incorporate it into your story.
2) the Fairytale idea. I recommend having her read the story and making the comments that you stated about "bad fairytales" while she's reading it. Maybe she's reading one about a princess or one about where some kids get lost in the woods and she rolls her eyes at the happy ending or something.

Keep up the good work!