My Desert Rose

She comes and goes.
Teasing and flirting,
Then disappears.

She comes out to play,
Then fades away,
Without a word.

Shows a heartbreaking smile,
That draws away my fear,
Then she brings them near.

She brings me joy,
With that pretty smile.

She brings me tears,
Leaves me lacking.

Without her is madness,
With her, brings the pain.

She comes and goes.

Why i adore her,
Ill never know.

How much I adore her,
She'll never know.

She comes and goes
My Desert Rose




My very real thoughts about a girl I haven't been able to stop crushin on. Right now i cant stop thinking about her and i just scribbled this in my notebook. Someday when im not tired ill finish it. Hope you enjoy ( And a word to the wise; stay away from your desert rose hehe)

Very well... it's all good and well telling us this, but how does she make ya feel? How do ya feel when near her. Telling us everything, bores us, as love poems go, you got to remember how many people read something that just tells them something.

She comes and goes
She giggles and flirts
Then disappears (Explain this more, show it. Don't just expect that telling us will make it good, use langauge techniques, like metaphors and similes in poetry.)
She comes out to play
Then fades away
She brings me tears (How?)
She brings me joy (How...How?)
She comes and goes (How?)
How I adore you (Why?)
My Desert Rose (Best line, explain why though.)

Firstly you've no puntuation but if you are going for that, then okay. Remember this rule show don't tell. Quit the repetition of 'She' drags on after a while.

No offence but something like this shouldn't of been taken out book or anything, it's for that one person.

Overall: Work on showing not telling and try and have a clear idea of how yar going to do it. Now one last thing. READ MORE POETRY! It'll help.

Good luck
VSN

Welcome to the YWS! This is sort of cute and short. But too short. I don't really have much to say about it other than you really need to expand more on it. This would be great with some imagrey. What does she look like? What is she wearing as she giggles and flirts? Keep writing!

~Yoyo

I love this poem! It's so cute! I don't think you have to change anything to it, but I would love it if you expanded it. Although, you could maybe explain it a bit more. ~CJ

Like it, but the "She brings me tears, leaving me lacking" part is way too vague and doesn't fit at all. I don't have any suggestions to how you should change it because I'm brain-dead from being sick:P. Cool concept. I enjoyed it other than that one little part. The whole subject is cool. Pretty awesome poem in all. 0(o.o)0

This was really beautiful, I hope you get around to adding more to this. I like the emotions you portray, its so sweet. Most guys would be afraid to express their feelings but anyways do complete this. I have no complaints, I see nothing wrong especially since this is an emotional piece. Well good luck with this and if I haven't welcomed you to YWS then Hello,
Keep writing,
Angel

Well, anything I have to say has pretty much been said! Although, you might want to explain why you call her that. It's just kind of random.
This just kind of leaves one with the "Okay....now what?" feeling. They're great thoughts, but you need to elaborate, add some feeling, some descriptions, some of that angsty fiery passion we teens have pattented so well. *Ok, little exageration*

Anywho, good start, but keep going!

This is a really good poem and I enjoyed it. Maybe if you expanded it more and gave more detail about this girl it would be even better. But anyway, keep up the good work.

Very well done, loved it lots.

This is a very good piece of writing. what you need to do is read and make it longer. Then it will help you to get inspiration. Then you can write more poems for us to review. So in short :READ!
matt

I agree with the above views at places.I thought it was not very well thought out but still hats off too you for explaining your thoughts in writing.It happens to every one mate so lets hope for the best and keep us aware of the latest happenings through your poems!Happy crushin!!!

Wow, this is really just..... wow. I like it alot. I won't point out your errors or mistakes because the others already have. But this is really good, you have alot of talent. I hope you get your Desert Rose.

-Max

Welcome to the YWS! I personally think that you don't need to expand if you don't want to. It was simply beautiful. I liked how you potrayed the feeling of loving someone that plays games. I loved the imagry and the depth of thoght you put into it. Sorry I'm a romance addict so I just love this stuff.
Some highlights:

Shows a heartbreaking smile,
That draws away my fear,
Then she brings them near.

I liked the rhythm in this part, It captured my attention

She comes and goes.
Teasing and flirting,
Then disappears.

I like this part too. It sets the stage of what you are going to talk about in this poem

Why i adore her,
Ill never know.

You should capitalize that I

I like you advise on how to stay away from dessert roses. I had enough experience with that. You should joing the group, By Teens 4 Teens, so you can shar your wisdom. Overall, great poem!