That Summer ( edited )

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Hey readers, this is Jesse. Thank you for you previous reviews. I have been writing like crazy lately and this is just a few pages of what I came up with for my novel. Please don’t let the length discourage you. I ask you to read it and let me know everything you were thinking while doing so. Thank you.




James felt like a king walking down the hallway of the small town school. He smiled at all the people. He got giggles and grins back. A couple buddies nodded there heads upward to him from the end of the hall as he took his time towards them. The girl he was after looked at him with that cute little blue eyed smile through the mirror on her green locker door. James thought to himself “Yep life’s good.”

“Hey James, how’s it going,”
“James see ya Monday buddy,”


James was friends with pretty much everybody in the small Hundred and twelve population school. It was grades one to twelve and in the very center of ______ ( Help me decide a believable town name please :) ). Everyone got along with him. It was probably because of his charming good looks, great sense of humor, and the fact he never had anything bad to say about anyone.

He walked up to the girl in the locker door mirror, Chelsea, and playfully pinched her sides with a grin. James, the lady’s man.

As he stared into her innocent eyes he imagined yet again that this was the girl for him. But everyone knew James felt like that about a different girl every couple of months. Not that he didn’t truly believe it, he was just a sucker for pretty smiles.

“James!” Chelsea announced, “Still can’t make it tonight huh?” she said sounding sad.

There was a party on the big hill just south of town. Nothing to big, probably just 20 or so people from the area coming down to sit by a fire, drink some beers, and celebrate the last weekend before the end of school.

“Nah,” James said quietly, still a bit shy around the lovely blonde, “Papa Bears sounds so excited for tonight! Plus there’s always another party right?”

James’s Dad, Papa Bear as he sometimes called him (referring to his large muscles and warm heart), scheduled a 7:00 table at the fanciest restaurant in the nearest city. The family was going to meet his dad’s band mates and their families for dinner that night in the city. They were celebrating the final tour of the old band. He had been playing with them since his teens and was just leaving for another semi local bar tour the next day for three weeks. This tour would be the “Backroad Bangers” last time to shine.

“Yeah I guess your right aren’t you,” she said as she looked into his eyes and backed with the mysteriousness that attracted him to her, “Talk to you later James.”

James winked to her with a smooth smile and headed to his buddies waiting at the school exit. There was Ian, his best friend, Jesse, and Tyson. The four of them were quite the crew. They had grown up together.

“Give up on her dude, she’s just a flirt,” Tyson warned for the hundredth time with a friendly grin.

James laughed, “She’s different guys. I think I love her.”

“Not this again,” the gang groaned walking out of the school.


____________________________________________________________________________________________________
The boys drove around the quiet town and some dirt roads in Jesse’s pickup truck for awhile. They had some backroadin’ tunes on and were just having a good time. James had told Jesse to be home by 4:30 so he could get ready for the supper.

Noticing the cold wind and the grey sky Ian mentioned, “Hey we better tell some guys to bring tarp tonight. Were not letting wind ruin our weekend this time.”

“Good idea,” the guys chuckled. Just then Ian noticed Jordan, one of there friends from school driving on the next road.

Jesse sped up and rolled down the windows.

“Quick somebody text him. Were gonna race!” he yelled.

James was the fastest to his cell phone and let Jordan know what was coming. “Its on!” he replied. Jordan had to pick up some speed before it started. He turned the corner and gave it hell. By the time the boys met up with him he was going the same speed in his Red mustang. Of course he’d win, Mustang vs. Pickup. Not a chance. James looked out the right window. He focused on the barbwire fences on the top of the ditch first. It went the same speed as the vehicle from his point of view. Next he looked at a seeded mustard field. In a couple of months it would be ripe, tall, and golden. It moved slower the farther out he looked, but when he moved his view down it went faster. He looked from the far end of the field close. The change always amused him.

Neither Jesse nor Jordan wanted to stop. This was the way the prairie boys lived. Both of them had a passion for speed.

James looked down at the clock and back up to his lifelong friend with a grin “I’m blaming this on you buddy,” he was already late.

After a few more minutes of the wind at there backs Jesse honked the horn and turned back to town. Felt good to get the wheels turning again. They rolled up to the big white house with the pillars on the corner and James jumped out. “Catch you later guys, have fun tonight.”

_________________________________________________________________________-

“So much for a small get-together huh?” Ian asked trying to talk to a friend over the blaring truck subs. He looked out entrance to the makeshift wall of tarp he helped set up to block the cool wind to see 3 more vehicles pull up. Yelling and loud singing was heard from right around the campfire from guys he’d never even met before. He was standing with a couple buddies at the north end of the shelter, black skies above him. Apparently no one could wait to party he thought to himself as he saw two good looking girls slamming back some pilsner. It was the last weekend before school ended though so they all had an excuse. Everyone was having a good time. Just then he glanced to the south end of the party to Tyson

“Ian!” Tyson yelled from the opposite side, “Shotgun time!”
“Wooh,” a couple others joined in. About five of them ran outside of the tarp, beer in hand.
“Okay, I’ve never shot gunned before. Instructions?” Tyler’s littler brother asked.
All of them cracked up, he couldn’t have been more than fourteen.
“Okay!” Tyson started loudly, “Poke a hole in the bottom of the side like with this pen!” He continued as he showed by example. Kirk was a very loud fellow, “Tilt the beer to your mouth and when. Hey Jackie! Jackie c’mere! Jackie meet my bro. Bro meet Jackie. Can you do the countdown babe?”
Jackie winked at his brother, Tyler, and giggled.
“Sure, anytime boys,” she smiled.

Tyler smiled back, “And when she says “Go!” slam it as fast as you can. First one finished gets to make out with Jackie,” he finished, slapping her bum.

All of the guys laughed as Jackie and Tyson flirted back and forth a bit. Just then the song “Over the Hills and Far Away” by Led Zeppelin came on in the near background.

Ian suddenly announced boastfully, jokingly, “You guys better watch out now, my songs on!”

“Three, two, one, Go!” Jackie said over the noise.

For those four seconds while the south Saskatchewan boys enjoyed themselves, the wind had slowed down, the moonlight beamed on the fields, and James Aanes slept comfortably on the way home from the city after a nice night, dreaming.

“First!” Tyson announced before tackling Jackie to the ground and kissing her.
“Aye second,” Ian slumped.

The others finished close behind the two. Except Tyler. He immediately started puking. Everyone laughed and whipped out their cell phones to take pictures. After that was done Ian and his friend helped the poor kid up.

Walking him to his big brothers truck Ian laughed, “Lucky it wasn’t a house party,” The boys set him up with three big blankets in the back seat of the truck.
“Talk to you tomorrow dude,” they said as they closed the door and went back up the hill.

Oh boy. James really did miss out Ian thought, seeing Chelsea ,top off, with a random guy behind a truck.

________________________________________________

Heart churning, running free down his favorite prairie path, James Aanes was feeling two mighty different feelings. The perfect blue sky above him, the afternoon path pushing dirt up in clouds each time his foot smashed the ground, the full expanse of rolling wheat fields to the left and right, while the sun shone down on him. God! It felt like it was all his! He felt invincible.

Then, there was the reason he was running out to his secret place. Ian had broken the news to him this morning. They went extremely far. The jealousy tore his mind apart. A tear fell down his sun-tanned face. Just when they were about to kick it off too. Another tear. He thought this time it was for real. He had tried so hard for that girl. Sprinting faster and faster. Almost wanting to throw up. He finally came to a stop. Heartbroken, he planted his knees in the back road path. Staring at the sun James wondered “Why me.” A swift prairie wind blew through his thick brown hair. It would've made a grand day.

_______ ___ ______ ___ __ __ __ ______________
As his thighs started burning from the five kilometer jog, he realized he’d made it to his destination. He climbed into the familiar thicket of proud green trees standing tall on the open plains, and stepped carefully through the bush towards his wooden fort.

All of his friends thought it childish that James, a sixteen year old boy, had a fort. "Maybe, maybe! if it was you and some buddies it wouldn't be so bad" they joked.

But it was just him. Last summer, he was just aching to escape some, at the time, big problems, so he rustled up about fifteen wooden pallets and ran them out to his brush of trees one at a time twice a day.
After about a week of some serious sunburn and getting into shape, all of the pallets were there and he began to nail together his "Retreat" as he called it. He left his favorite acoustic, a harmonica, and a sketchbook there to let his dreams run wild. He could always count on the "Retreat" to lift his spirits.

The tears stopped wetting his face moments before, he picked up the old acoustic. He began playing some soft chords quietly. James had started playing the guitar when he was ten, and after six years of his dad’s legendary guitar lessons he was ready to jam.

As he magically picked the strings, playing the chords gracefully he thought. Just him and his guitar playing some old hits. It was a good time to think. Soon his mind eased up. He thought about everything that he could always rely on, on everything that made him happy. All his buddies, his family. He was a talented young man. A smile came to his handsome brown eyed face as he jumped to his feet and slammed the song "Simple Kind of Man" by Lynyryd Skynyryd on the old light brown acoustic. He started singing along, thanking god for his skill. Head banging, he forgot about his problems, forgot about Chelsea. The smooth old strings echoed throughout the “Retreat”. It was his favorite song; the lyrics were about taking life slowly because it will turn out it the end. Nearing the closing of the song he slowed it down little by little, the harmonic sound making magic.

A gentle knock came on his sturdy wooden walls but James didn’t hear it. Again it came, lots louder this time.

"Woah!" Yelled James, only too scared. It wasn’t often he got a visitor this far out of town.

"You sounded simply amazing," came a Heavenly voice from outside.

____________________________________________


“Hello?” James asked cautiously while nearing the entrance. The voice sounded to much like an angels' to be believable yet.

“Hey, can I come inside? I was just walking down that path and I heard you playing my favorite song.” her voice was purposeful, pretty, and pure. She stepped closer to the opening slowly, still out of sight from James.

James warily hugged the wall closing in on the opening in the wooden shelter. Her voice had no flaw. It was perfect. He had to see the angel before she disappeared.

“Hello?” the magical voice came again, wondering why there was no reply.

They both came around the corner at the same time. Looking each other up and down slowly, steadily, until eyes met eyes. Both smiled wide, glimmering with bewilderment.

“Hey,” she stated comfortably while studying his honorable form. The handsome stranger wore dirt brushed white runners, from jogging out here all the time she guess, navy skater shorts with wavy decals on the sides, showing off his tanned and toned legs, with a simple tight black t-shirt. She could make out all of his sharply defined muscles. He had strong sturdy arms. His proud stature would stand out from a crowd she was sure. His honest smile and dark devilish eyes struck something deep inside her.

“Hi, I’m James,” James said with dignity he was surprised he possessed around what he now was sure was an angel. He thought for a second she could have been on the darker side of things, only here to set his lust on fire. But something in her warm brown eyes told him her heart was as flawless as her curves. “Its funny that you found me way out here,” He laughed quietly. He thought about how much of a coincidence it actually was that someone found him way out here, out in the heart of the prairies. Someone he had never even met. He just hoped he would be able to keep the courage he seemed to have around her. He thought it might have been her welcoming smile. She had full, yet small, cute lips. And the whitest of teeth.

“I thought I was the first one to use that trail in decades,” she giggled, her honey hair curving down with passion. Something about him felt, well, right. She didn’t want to admit her immediate feelings for him, but they grew stronger with each passing second. Breaking the eye contact that felt , once again, right, she walked gracefully over to the acoustic.

James’s eyes lowered to her bottom. He couldn’t help looking, it was gorgeous in those tight, dark jeans.

She could feel his proud eyes on her bum and secretly beamed with pride. She had something he wanted. She turned around to tease him, walking slowly backward to the guitar. She noticed something in the way he was looking at her. It was almost as if he thought she was something more than what she was. It was cute.

James wondered why and angel would dress like all the other girls he knew, there was no sense for her to try and fit in, he could easily tell she was from above. He’d go along with it though.

“You play too huh?” She smiled that innocent smile of hers, as she picked up the acoustic.


Thank you very much for reading. I hope you enjoyed. But please do a review. This is all im going to add until I finish the novel and im going to pause writing until I collect enough info on how to improve it and the next pages to come. Have a great week. ( And i strongly encourage you to listen to "Simple Kind of Man" by Lynyryd Skynyrd if you've never heard it before.)
Last edited by Jesse on Tue May 13, 2008 11:36 pm, edited 4 times in total.
To be a hero is not to be out of the ordinary, it is to be ordinarily remarkable.




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Hey there, Jesse! I like this. I hope you'll continue writing this.
Few things that I noticed:


God! it felt like it was all his, like a king! He felt invincible.


You forgot to capitalize 'it'.

Then there was the reason he was running out to his secret place. The girl he had been trying to get for the past[s] 4 [/s] four months had gone and ruined him. She was at a party James had to miss last night and "did stuff" with a guy she'd never met. Jealousy tore his delicate mind apart. And just when they were about to kick it off [s]to[/s] too.

-It would be best to write '4' as 'four' in this type of writing.
- Last word there is probably meant to be 'too' not 'to'.

All of his friends thought it childish that James, a sixteen year old boy, had a fort. "Maybe, maybe! if it was you and some buddies" they joked. But it was just him. Last summer he was just aching to escape some, at the time, big problems, so he rustled up about 15 wooden pallets and ran them out to his brush of trees one at a time twice a day.


- I didn't quite get this part. Maybe, maybe what?

Also note how I rewrote that sentence using the proper punctuation/grammar:


"Maybe, maybe! If it was you and some buddies," they joked.
I capitalized the 'if' and put a comma right before the inverted commas.

James had started playing the guitar when he was ten, and after six years of his dads legendary guitar lessons he was ready to jam.


Need an apostrophe in that word. >> dad's.

Just him and his guitar playing some old hits the world started to come together again.


-This is a run-on sentence.

Again it came, Lots louder this time.


Lots doesn't need to be capitalized. I also think it is should be '... a lot louder this time.' OR even take out the 'lots' and just go with '...louder this time.'


"Woah!" Yelled James, only to (too?) surprised.

"You sounded simply amazing," The brown haired beauty smiled


- I think you meant 'too', not 'to'.

-You don't need to capitalize the 't' in 'the'.

;)

I hope I was helpful. These were all small nitpicks.

OVERALL:

I think this piece has a lot potential. Just make sure you proofread your work and read it again and again to catch any mistakes. Plot wise, I think in some places you took the story too fast. I couldn't feel or experience Jame's depression because I know very little about his emotion and the whole problem. I know nothing bout the girl he likes. Or how much he loves her.

I just know that there is some pretty girl who James likes and jut when they were getting to know each other better she 'did stuff' with with some boy and now James is jealous. You need to show us more of the relationship between the girl and James. You have to make your reader get 'absorbed' into the world you have created.

But like I said, this has potential and it got me interested. So continue writing and good luck!

PM me if you have any questions.
I'm a godmother, that's a great thing to be, a godmother. She calls me god for short, that's cute, I taught her that.
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Hey, and welcome to YWS! It's a great place for us writers to come and post work, critque or just relax. I hope you settle in well.

So it thought this was great. As a runner myself, I really understood how James felt, pounding his feet on the ground and contemplating his problems. Great description, beautiful imagery of the surroundings. I believed it. That's half the battle won.

Some things however that bog this piece down are your grammer, punctuation and general 'rushed' feeling of it. I wasn't sure if I liked the reference to 'did stuff'. I don't know. It just sounded a bit juvenile and unsure of itself. Try to smooth out the rough places in the story to make it more professional.

Otherwise, nice start. Just try and take your time editing, and PM me when you post more! I enjoyed the guitar description and the cliffhanger ending!

Eimear
We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.

Oscar Wilde.




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I've done a piece before where there's a character running.
You aced it(:
It was very nice, everything about it, the scenery, his thoughts.
All too well.

I loved the ending, but it seemed a tab rushed.
maybe you should slow down and try to pick out every detail
of how you see it in your head.

PM for next part!
A little less inhuman.
A little more brutal.
Let the blood be your drug.




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Hello,

All my corrections are in bold...

Heart churning, running free down his favorite prairie path [comma] James Anes was feeling two mighty different feelings. The perfect blue sky above him, the afternoon path pushing dirt up in clouds each time his foot smashed the ground, the full expanse of rolling wheat fields to the left and right, while the sun shone down on him. God! it [capital I] felt like it was all his, like a king! He felt invincible.

Then [comma] there was the reason he was running out to his secret place. The girl he had been trying to get for the past 4 [should be the word "four"] months had gone and ruined him. She was at a party James had to miss last night and "did stuff" with a guy she'd never met. [this is a strange sentence. I think you might need to reword. Very Confusing] Jealousy tore his delicate mind apart.[ooo, I liked this sentence! :D] And just when they were about to kick it off to. [should be "too"]

A swift prairie wind blue ["blew" instead of the color "blue" :wink:] through his thick brown hair. It would've made a grand day.

As his thighs started burning from the five kilometer jog [comma] he realized he'd made it to his destination. He climbed into the familiar thicket of proud green trees [comma] standing tall on the open plains and went straight to his fort.

All of his friends thought it childish that James, a sixteen year old boy, had a fort. "Maybe, maybe! if it was you and some buddies" they joked. But it was just him. [new paragraph] Last summer [comma] he was just aching to escape some, at the time, big problems, so he rustled up about 15 [word "fifteen"] wooden pallets and ran them out to his brush of trees one at a time twice a day. [new paragraph] After about a week of some serious sunburn and getting into shape, all of the pallets were there and he began to nail together his "Retreat" as he called it. He left his favorite acoustic, a harmonica, and a sketchbook there to let his dreams run wild. He could always count on the "Retreat" to lift his spirits.

The tears stopped wetting his face moments before [comma] he picked up the old acoustic. He began playing some soft chords quietly, sadly. James had started playing the guitar when he was ten, and after six years of his dads legendary guitar lessons he was ready to jam.

As he magically plucked the strings gracefully, playing the chords he started to forget about the awful news. Just him and his guitar playing some old hits the world started to come together again. A smile came to his handsome brown eyed face as he jumped to his feet and slammed "Simple Kind of Man" by Lynyryd Skynyryd. [should reword this sentence. Kind of confusing when you use the word "slammed" Maybe played would be better??]

A gentle knock came on his sturdy wooden walls but James didn't hear it. Again it came, Lots louder this time. [don't say "lots louder". Say, "again it came, louder this time".]

"Woah!" Yelled James, only to surprised. [I think you mean, "only to be surprised"??]

"You sounded simply amazing," The brown haired beauty smiled.

Very cute ending! :D

It was good. You have some things to fix, however. I advise you to continue. Maybe cut down on the info dump here. Instead, let us slowly find out about his life.

I don't know, just a suggestion...

Hope this Helps! :D
"Woe to the man whose heart has not learned while young to hope, to love—and to put his trust in life."
~ Joseph Conrad


"Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life."
~ Red Auerbach



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