Screaming your name

Why did you have to go

Got me left on my o-o-o-o-o-own.

You said you'll be here forever (ever)

until we're gray and o-o-o-o-old. (oh yeah)

Why did you lie

You make me wanna cry

AND SCREAM YOUR N-A-A-AME!!!! (lift voice higher)

The world won't be the same

So take my hand

Ask to be my friend

Start it all ove-e-e-e-r

So I can scream your name

You got me in such pain

Why did you have to take my love away

O-o-oh, you took my heart and broke it in two

What am I to do

When I'm screaming your name

The world won't be the same

So take my ha-a-and

And Ask to be my friend

Start it all ove-e-e-e-r (Start it all over)

So I can scream your name

Cause the world won't be the same

So why can't you take my hand

And ask to be my friend

Oh, we can start all over baby (baby)

When I scream your name

The world won't be the same

So why can't you.......take my ha-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-nd. Baby!!! Oh-oh-oh-oh-ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.

Lmao. Um... not really a big fan... That "o-o-o-o's", etc... are kind of... unnecessary. It would be much better and taken more seriously if you just wrote the word regularly.
And secondly, this was a tad too short to be a song. Unless you meant this to only be one part of a song. Because I sang this to myself (I kind of figured out the rhythm myself) and it's not even a minute long. It's under one minute.
But, on the bright side, you have a good idea for a song... It just needs some... TLC!!!!!! Have fun with it. Work on it. PM me if you edit it.

<3,
Monki

As Monki pointed out I felt that "o-o-o-o" parts were not necessary.And that its too short to be a lyrical one.But if I forget about it being a lyric and look at it then yes I did like it.It has a nice get-up.

As you call it a lyric perhaps you should add a chorous part or something that way I think it will make the thing long and nice!

good job in anyway!

~Shine~

I agree with Shine and Monki. Take out the whole lot of 'o-o-o' parts in the last line of the poem.

Also, like my Shadow and me... said, try to add in parts that make up the basic structure of a lyric. (a.k.a. verse 1, chorus, verse 2, chorus, bridge, chorus, etc). Even though some people believe there is no definite structure, you should try to maintain at least a chorus to make this song stand out.

Hope this helps,
Summerless <3~

I believe that mostly all the songs have parts like what Summerless said.
And that I find this lyric a bit jumbly for it's somehow going on around back on the first part because of the "So why can't you take my hand and ask me to be your friend."

You could start with verse one which then talks about what you're feeling, on how the happiness/tradegy happened. Of course you should be descriptive too. On the chorus, it's the catchiest part of the lyric that's why most people remember the chorus parts of all the songs they hear over the radio. On the next verse, you could then talk about what happened after the happenings on verse 1 or what to do on the future.

Lyrics really should not have a lot of "o-o-o"s and "a-a-a"s. A few would do and perhaps you could make this lyric a bit longer for it's very short.

the idea that you are sad about him leaving you is clear but you say you just want to be friends but then you say things like

So take my ha-a-and

Start it all ove-e-e-e-r
so it makes me think you want to have him go out with you again
so that thought isn't clear