my moonlight

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redline480
Gender Male
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Sat May 10, 2008 6:54 pm
redline480 says... · Sat May 10, 2008 6:54 pm
Girl
If you allow me
To take you home
With me
After we embrace
Stay with me
For your rays of love
Would wake me
Like the sunrise never could
Be my sunshine
For you already are
My moonlight
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myfreindsavamp
Gender Female
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Sat May 10, 2008 6:56 pm
myfreindsavamp says... · Sat May 10, 2008 6:56 pm
That is very beautiful.

You could proble extend it a little.
We've all been broken in some way. It's just how we express it that makes us dffrent form eachother.

“This precious book of love, this unbound lover,
To beautify him only lacks a cover.”
~William Shakespeare, The Tragedy of Romeo and Juliet
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Demeter
Supporter
Gender Female
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Sat May 10, 2008 7:02 pm
Demeter says... · Sat May 10, 2008 7:02 pm
Aww... That was really beautiful. I'm sure the girl you wrote this for (if there is one) is all flattered now :)

"Be my sunshine
For you already are
My moonlight"

These were my favourite lines - so simple, but still so lovely. I'd love to have someone to say that kind of thing to me!

However, I didn't feel like there was much of a flow. This also could be divided into clear stanzas. But I'll forgive you this once for the ending was so sweet! :)

Keep writing
Demeter
"Your jokes are scarier than your earrings." -Twit

"14. Pretend like you would want him even if he wasn't a prince. (Yeah, right.)" -How to Make a Guy Like You - Disney Princess Style

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Sohini
Gender Female
Points 1040
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Sun May 11, 2008 3:58 am
Sohini says... · Sun May 11, 2008 3:58 am
First things first:

1.Title case your title.

2. Punctuate your work, I know it's short but punctuation helps. Note that you were lazy enough to forget the full stop in the end.

Now the poem,
It's short and quite sweet. I like the simplistic style and the words flow well.

That's all I guess.
Calvin : You can't just turn on creativity like a faucet. You have to be in the right mood.
Hobbes : What mood is that?
Calvin : Last-minute panic.
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carelessaussie13
Gender Female
Points 4825
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Fri Jun 13, 2008 2:27 am
carelessaussie13 says... · Fri Jun 13, 2008 2:27 am
Hey,

This was really cute. The ending was really beautiful. Has you girl read this? I think it could be fleshed out, revisited and made a bit fuller. Try images and words that make you care. They won't necessarily fit in your poem, but words like languid and resplendant are great. Do you get me? Anyway, kudos and cookies for a great little poem
“To awaken quite alone in a strange town is one of the pleasantest sensations in the world.” - Freya Stark
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Maybe what most people wanted wasn't immortality and fame, but the reassurance that their existence had meant something. No matter how long... or how brief. Maybe being eternal meant becoming a story worth telling.
— Roshani Chokshi, Aru Shah and the Nectar of Immortality