Dawn and Dusk

It glares into the corners,
thrusting their contents into view.
The bare ones it discovers,
and lights up all their flaws.
It thrusts its glowing fingers
into cringing faces,
whose eyes no longer linger,
but seek the cool relief
of dark places.

Chill and fresh, unwritten,
stubborn in face of harsh demands,
instead it hides and is hidden,
secrecy and silence its greatest friends.
The blemished and guilt-ridden
find comfort in its spaces.
What whispers are there spoken?
It complies to the wishes of
the whisperer and leaves no traces.

Good Work!
I loved it.
Well written, great discriptions, amazing flow, and it wasn't to cliche.
The title is great to.
Thumbs up!!
Keep Writing.

Great Job! It was nicely written and very pleasant to read. I loved the way you wrote it and I'll be looking at more of your works.

I'm caught in two minds. The rhyme and rhythm are interesting and quite clever.

In the first stanza:

It glares into the corners, 7
thrusting their contents into view. 8
The bare ones it discovers, 7
and lights up all their flaws. 6
It thrusts its glowing fingers 7
into cringing faces, 6
whose eyes no longer linger, 7
but seek the cool relief 6
of dark places. 4

The use of rhymes and half rhymes combined with the regular rhythm on those lines constitute a well flowing and easily readable opening stanza. The rhymes themselves are discreet and, well, I've always been a fan of the subtle rhyme - it provides a fluency without being apparent and leaves me searching for a reason why something flows so well and I'm always happy to see it used.

Elsewhere, the use of thrusts and thrusting. With words of significance - repetition for effect or the repetition of words due them being present as themes - reuse is effective. But here given the context, I'd suggest the use of another word (unless it is significant and I made a mistake).

The irregular rhythm of the other lines is what leaves me in two minds - in this stanza and the next. While I can see it being employed as a way of staggering the progression and the effect that it has when you read - It draws my attention in to whats being said more closely and appears to have an offbeat and very final ending tone, perfect for breaks - yet, given the regular rhythm for other rhymes, why dont the lines with the rhymes faces and places have the same rhythm? Would it make it flow better? I don't know, is there a reason for it?

Chill and fresh, unwritten, 6
stubborn in face of harsh demands, 8
instead it hides and is hidden, 8
secrecy and silence its greatest friends. 10
The blemished and guilt-ridden 7
find comfort in its spaces. 7
What whispers are there spoken? 7
It complies to the wishes of 8
the whisperer and leaves no traces. 9

In this stanza the rhythm seems so much more varied and while it doesn't detract at all from the content I can't help but feel the earlier form would suit it better.

Now for the subject of the poem. "it" is intriguing. The two stanzas portray seemingly contrasting views of it. Originally "it" when thrust into their faces causes them to look away then they find comfort in "it's" spaces (small note there, should "its friends" be it's and "its spaces" be it's?).

Lovely - a mystery unto itself.

The imagery of these "blemished and guilt-ridden" is vivid and well constructed in general. I'm left thinking of cells, caves and cellars: places of darkness.

The bare ones it discovers,
and lights up all their flaws.

The choice of wording here seems slightly cliched - "lighting" of those who are associated with darkness; the good and the bad (or as here, the bad - or is that too condemning) is a well trodden topic yet still universally used because, well, it affects us all. But the lighting of flaws is somewhat trite. The more indirect way you use later, of directing their sight to dark places is so much better and more original while taking full use of the connotations of darkness.

Favourite lines?

What whispers are there spoken?
It complies to the wishes of
the whisperer and leaves no traces.

Nicely phrased.

Nice Piece.

This is such an enjoyable piece. I love the way the poem flows.
Keep up!

Adna, I'm afraid I missed what this was about, but what I read though unclear and a little abstract. I very much like. It's got beauty in those lines, best bit:

The bare ones it discovers,
and lights up all their flaws.
It thrusts its glowing fingers
into cringing faces,
whose eyes no longer linger,
but seek the cool relief
of dark places.

Overall: Can't say much more, but this earns a gold star. Could ya maybe tell the meaning to the idiot in the corner, aka me .

Good luck
VSN

Thanks everybody!


To Mad:
I definitely see what you're saying about the second stanza. To be honest, with the first one, I only intended to do the rhyme like this:
"It glares into the corners, A
thrusting their contents into view. B
The bare ones it discovers, A
and lights up all their flaws. C
It thrusts its glowing fingers A
into cringing faces, D
whose eyes no longer linger, A
but seek the cool relief E
of dark places." D

Anything else you noticed was purely accidental. That's probably why the second stanza seemed different to you than the first, and it is, although I used the same intended rhyme scheme as with the first: ABACADAED
So, in your opinion, do you think I should change the second stanza to be more like the first, or is it effective the way it is? You seemed to be saying that it was, but could you tell me definitely?

"The bare ones it discovers,
and lights up all their flaws" --This was intended to be in contrast to lines in the second stanza: "The blemished and guilt-ridden
find comfort in its spaces." But I'll definitely think about finding different phrasing possibly, or changing it in some other way.
And I'll replace 'thrust' or 'thrusting.' I didn't even notice that I used it twice.
Thank you for everything:)

Hey. This is a subtly brilliant piece. I really did love what I read. If I'm right in saying it's about light slowly gathering and draining during the day, every day, you told the story very well.

Your imagery and word choice seems spot on, for example the repitition of 'thrusting' and 'thrust' is very effective. The structure and rhyming scheme is great too.

Let me see...favourite line?

It complies to the wishes of
the whisperer and leaves no traces

.

Very intelligent work.

Eimear