Making A Killing

This is a short script I am developing for my screenwriting class. It is my first draft, of my first script.

Any feedback would be greatly appreciated.

I've attached it to preserve the correct format.

Do want someone to download your entire script?

Or is it just a portion?


I think it would be best if you posted a portion without anyone having to download it...but that's just me! I don't really know I haven't sent a lot of time in here.

Download preferably - I can't post it in its original format, which is as it should be seen.

It's only a short film script - 16 pages or so.

Is that all? I thought it would be longer. I was kind of getting into it. There was one line I did not get, but I think it was a typo?

So, ‘there a reason we drove all the up
No where’s ass just for this pig?


Shouldn't this have been rated, like pg13 or something? I was just asking, because the F bomb was thrown out there a few times.

Are you going to continue on with it, because I would like to read what would happen next?
Good Job.

Oh dear.

I apologise - I just realised that I added the wrong attachment hahaha, I'm really sorry.

The completed, short film (not radio as the previous version was) is now available.

I would appreciate any comments on that, if your so inclined.

Cheers

Wow. See, that script was MUCH better then the other one. I really enjoyed that one. Once again though, I would love to read more on the future with Ben. It was a very memorizing story, and it kept me reading. I would like to know what happens if the old grave keeper finds out he read his journal, or maybe even have Ben’s girlfriend/wife in on it to get money, because she seemed curious. Over all, I thought it was a great script. I was a little confused at first, but once I finished reading it made sense. Well done!

Haha,awesome. Thanks for bothering to read it - tis appreciated. It's definetly an interesting story so I know what you mean by wanting to read or see, more of it. But at the end of the ay, I wrote it for an assignment and they wanted a short film so thats what I gave them.

I have been told that it would benefit/ work better as a feature film and I think that would be fun to test out, so maybe I will extend it. If I do, I shall let you know.

Thanks again.

Yes, well, then do let me know what will be in store for this. It is a really good start to something new, and I think you can go far with it.

Keep it up and do keep in touch. =D

Josh

I'm not sure what it was about the script, but it just didn't hold my interest. You're obviously a good writer and you can pick that up by reading your work, but after about six pages I just stopped reading. I think it's the plot, it's just a bit plain. Nothing in the script makes me want to keep reading, which is a shame.

I'm not trying to be the arrogant new guy, and I probably couldn't do much better, but nothing really stuck with me. Nothing jumped off the page to me. It was...meh. Nothing bad, but nothing great. You may have a great ending, but if the first few minutes don't stick no one will get to the end.

Sorry if I come off as a prick, I'll be back to see when you put up something new as I think you have the skill, but the idea just doesn't work for me.