Hi, I think that most of the others on here have touched on this, but I don't think that you should be so blunt that you're writing about your rape. Even though you might be comfortable talking about it, it's a sensitive subject and makes your audience feel uncomfortable and awkward, which is exactly what you don't want to do. I think this is a good example of why poetry should be more about suggestion than explanation and recount.
It's a hard issue to write about, you need credit there. It must be hard to write about so showing it to the web is aspirational. Despite that, I really wasn't sure about this. I think it could have been less stiff, more free flowing. You must have so much emotion, poignance would really help, especially for the last line. Read some of the non fiction, you can get the odd piece of rape and abuse in there and they ca be so emotionally charged, it might give you a few pointers. Also don't use the word rape so much, if you name it something about being hurt by your best friend instead, it would just make it a little more telling.
To be honest, I think that this subject could be so amazing, you just need to research a little, and maybe a different rhythm, that maybe personal preference though, I never liked sonnets that much, but the sonnet set up is what everyone is finding clecha.
Hope I helped, and if you need any help approving it you can PM me
Miriam
I'm English, and as such I crave disappointment - Bill Bailey, can sometimes be seen scurrying towards a fast food outlet.
This was obviously a very personal piece. For the most part you do a very fine job of portraying a dark tone. However, with the typos and awkwardly phrased lines, the sentiment got a little foggy at times. While you are on to something with this poem, it certainly needs a lot of work for it to really be powerful and live up to its potential. You should go back, proof read and read it out loud; figure out what flows well and what doesn't because the style of this poem is very erratic, there are good areas and there are areas that are not quite as strong. With a little work though this can be a good poem, just spend a little more time on it!
Hi Chicka Bee! OK, The first thing I have to ask you is, Are you feeling alright? You said that you had never written about experiences before. Was this an actual experience? If you need to talk...
OK, now for the review. The idea was good, you have the basics down. But you need to tweak the rhythm a bit. Ad nothing words here and there, or take them away. Nothing words include: to a an but or and if . Other than that great job!
Those who dance are thought insane by those who don't hear the music. Those who fit well into their world don't generally go about changing it.
I think there is a lot of raw talent here, some mistakes to be changed and perhaps modifying some of the words and phrases but overall I think it is very good especially as you are knew to poetry. I wish you luck for the future and look forward to reading your other poems!
One of my favourite things about poetry is that it is documenting an emotion. We are never able to say that an emotion is wrong and so its one of the few things we are forced to accept, finding things out about ourselves in the process.
I choose to read all poems as if they are written from real life experiences and i try to respond to them in this way.
In all honesty i liked the poem, i like the reasoning behind the poem, the need for release, for acceptance and possibly some forgiveness for the guilt you seem to feel.
First ill just say a few words on that. Drugs are never the right route to follow, especially at your age, trust me I've been there, you wont find anything good.
You seem to feel slightly guilty for this occurring and i might suggest that if it has happened multiple times, perhaps you could re-evaluate how you might be getting yourself into these situations and try to avoid them in the future, no one wants to see you hurt.
I would also advise trying to talk to someone about the incident, if this has actually happened to you then its not acceptable t keep these people safe by lying to protect them. They could easily do it to someone who might not be as strong as you. Perhaps a teacher or doctor or church member.
Now onto the poem. There were a few short bits in it that i felt blocked the flow of the piece. The title immediately gives away the content of the poem, and so before reading it i had already rejudged, something i try not to do but occurs naturally. I feel that perhaps a slightly more abstract title would be a better fit? something short and simple, hard hitting. Perhaps "You" would suffice?
The third line of the third stanza "for again it will not happen" i don't know about this line, i feel it breaks the audience's attention, at least for me it did. Perhaps a rewording of this line, or the entire stanza might help it flow better. For when a poem flows we don't realise we are reading it, we feel it instead.
The piece in its entirety works well, you have a strong theme and some strong emotion, as a raw piece this is good, i recommend redrafting though until u feel its perfect.
If you wish to talk about any of my works do not hesitate to contact me, i am more than pleased to discuss anything
Very well; I hear; I admit, but I have a voice too, and for good or evil mine is the speech that cannot be silenced. — Joseph Conrad, Heart of Darkness
