Dreamed, Dreaming

As I watched you,
As you watched them,
I thought of the bare
Patch of skin near your
Hip-line and the breasts beneath
The shirt. While you, (while you)
You thought of firmer
Muscles.

When I watched you
⎯Once I’d realised,
I thought of the flesh
Beside the edge of
That denim skirt and the
Slenderness of those hands.
Manic laughter. Dress,
Undress.

Watching, as you
Left, I recalled yes
Tattered shirts and the
Torn yes silk of useless
Bed sheets yes. Infrequent yes conversations,
Yet frequent sighs (no!)
While you, no doubt,
Enjoyed them.

Very very interesting. I do believe you surprised me into liking it:)

One thing I don't really get is the random inserted 'yes's in the last stanza. Something about their random meaninglessness detracts from the rest of the verse. It's very destracting to have those odd out of place words in the middle of the important words.
At least I think that if they're absolutely necessary to you, it would help if they were set of by commas.
Without the yes's, the last verse is definitely my favorite... a few of the yes's might be alright, though, like I said, set off by commas. Maybe it's just that you have too many. Maybe keep just a couple?

Stanza 2, line 2, "realised" = realized

"The shirt. While you, (while you)" I really like the repition of "(while you)."

It's very unique and something about it is very engaging and very alluring. Good job! *stars*


Keep writing!

*adna*

Alot of nice poem language, patch, denim, slenderness, manic, for some reason all seem poetic to me. Liked the first two lines, why, I can't tell, most poetry is give and take anyway. The yes's needs some explaination though, confused the hell outta me. And you rock for using paranthesis.

Some of it confused me, but overall the descriptions were very nice. Colorful language too, you didn't repeat words! Thankyou for that! Also, I agree that you rock for using parenthesis. They need more usage nowadays.

Thanks for the reviews - The yes' do have a meaning, probably to vague or obscure to anyone but me or someone thinking similarly. It was an idea I borrowed from Ulysses - Last page.

I'll consider changing it.

I really liked the repetition of "yes" in the last stanza. I thought it was very interesting, adding a kind of stream-of-consciousness feel to the poem (obviously the intention, as a ref to Ulysses).

I have to disagree about the parenthesis however - for such an otherwise original poem, I feel like that part let you down. Using parenthesis can seem like a good idea because it looks kind of cool, as if you are doing something new and different, but really I feel the use of them in the firsts stanza is redundant. Although, I do like the (no!) in the last stanza.

Anyway, overall I really liked this poem...it's the first in a long time that I enjoyed and, more importantly, that actually invoked feeling in me. Good job!

I thought I would spread some love. Or criticism?

[s]As[/s] I watched you [remove comma]
As you watched them[period]
I thought of the bare [I don't like the line break here. If you said "bare skin" rather than "patch" i think I would like it better. It sounds odd.]
Patch of skin near your
Hip-line and the breasts beneath
[s]The[/s] Your shirt. While you, (while you) [I'm not sure why this is here, the parenthesis.]
You thought of firmer
Muscles.

I love the "firmer muscles" suggestion - a witty way to say but not say. I like your voice, but I think some of your diction is a little strange, although that is mostly "bare patch" haha, like I mentioned. I changed some of your punctuation, it just looked strange. I added "your" for parallelism between "Your hips" and "your shirt". Also do you need to say "While you/ you thought of..." you could say "While you thought of..." and it is smoother. Though, the double subject may be necessary. Something I wonder, is who is she [I assume it is a she, it may not be] watching? I don't want you to tell me, but perhaps suggest it, without saying it.

When I watched you
--Once I realised,
thought of the flesh
Beside the edge of
That denim skirt and the
Slenderness of those hands.
Manic laughter. Dress,
Undress.

The beginning of this stanza is odd, not grammatically sound, which makes it strange to read. The description in the next sentence is good, but try to think of how you can make it more unique, or how, through diction, you can suggest to your reader what the narrator is thinking. (Though I know what the narrator is thinking) The line "Manic Laughter" works, though it is cliché, and I am not sure it is necessary though you may disagree with me - it is your poem. I love "Dress/Undress" I think I would take it further:

Dress,
Undress.
Dress,
Undress.

The rhythm would be nice.

Watching, as you
Left, I recalled yes
Tattered shirts and the
Torn yes silk of useless
Bed sheets yes. Infrequent yes conversations,
Yet frequent sighs (no!)
While you, no doubt,
Enjoyed them.

At first, the "Yes" scattered in was witty, and I liked the originality, but then it was annoying, and clogged the text. Especially the "yet frequent sighs (no!)" it just seems needless. I liked this stanza less than all the others.

As I said, you have a good voice. It's soothing, but disturbing. You seem to lack a strong central idea. It is there, but not actually in the poem. As a reader, what do you want me to feel from this poem? If you are just writing about sex, you need more of reason than to just write about sex. I just feel like it needs more omph, something to offer the reader. I know, I'm being vague. But I hope it helped, haha.