First Kiss

We both walked out of the cinema slowly and I was tryiing to remember that glorious moment as best I could. We both went to the same school, Connor and I, and we both had strong feelings for each other until one day Connor asked me if I wanted to go to the cinema. And of course I said yes.
So there we were, both as nervous as two children on their first day of school. We began to walk down the dirty, littered street towards McDonalds. I coulud tell Connor was trying to pluck up enough courage to hold my hand. After a few fruitless attempts I just clutched his hand in mine. His cheeks turned a subtle pink. He smiled at me gratefully and I smiled back politely trying not to laugh at his sudden shyness.
Everything was going great until my bag suddenly decided to burp out its contents onto the grimy, grease stained pavement. Connor and I both bent down at the same time and as a result my forehead collided with his nose!
"Ouch!" he cried out.
"Oh my God! I am so so sorry! Here, let me have a look." I pleaded.
I lifted his chin up to see what damage I had caused. Luckily his nose wasn't broken or bleeding. Connor didn't seem angry at me at all, he seemed more amused.
I studied his muscular features and high cheekbones. He was a lot taller than me; my eyes just barely came to his chin. His long dark brown hair swayed in the light summer breeze.
He placed his hand gently on my back and pulled me closer towards him. I looked deep into his gorgeous green eyes. They were soft and gantle, much like his personality. He placed his lips against mine. Warm. Welcoming. I put my arm around his neck and tilted my head so we could kiss better. My heart seemed to skip a beat and butterflies flew around my stomach. And just like that we were having our first kiss.

They were soft and gantle,

Gentle

I would have said what happened next or later for that matter like he kissed me again as he stood with me at my door step or some thing.

Could, not coulud.


It was good. Good detail. Could've added a little more. But it was good. Keep going and tell me when you do if you are adding more. Just next time in between paragraphs hit enter again.

TNC

I don't want to be mean, but there was nothing at all captivating or even interesting about this. Boy likes girl. Girl like boy. Boy asks girl to movie. Girl accepts. Boy and girl go to movie. Boy and girl are shy. Boy or girl does something clumsy. Boy and girl kiss.

See what I mean?

You need to add something to this, something that will make it UNIQUE! Something that makes me WANT to know about this particular couple. Are there any obstacles? Is something going to happen? Foreshadow! Hint! Dazzle me!

You have some spelling errors as well as punctuation, and you need much more spacing. You'll probably get more reviews that way.

I think this could have great potential if you would DO something with it. As it is now, it is not very interesting. You need a good hook, and, as I said, you need to make it special. Make the reader hungry for more.

Good luck with editing. Hope this helps.

It was short and highlty descriptive. I like how you make it easy for the reader to visualize the characters, thier actions, and the setting they were in. The kiss itself was a little rushed considering it takes a lot more courage to have a first kiss with someone than it does to hold their hand. Conner would have been just as skittish, I know I was.

I only noticed the 'coulud' thing so you may want to fix that. Well thanks for listening.
Church

I liked the detail you put into this but it's a bit short. Maybe add something to the beginning. If this is just a short story then I like the ending but if this going to turn into a book or something I think you should have a different ending. I guessed it was a short story though.
I like the ending as it is but like I said, it needs more. Just add what happens before like the girl getting ready or how she feels during the movie.
Pm me if you need some advice.

~Rachael

Personally i didn't go for the "pluck up enough courage to hold my hand." i would've used a different word. I would've wrote " It wasn't hard to tell that Connor was trying to muster up the courage to hold my hand."

Otherwise i enjoyed it for what it was. A small story of a couples first date. Nothing more nothing less. I could see perfectly the last paragraph, every word came to life in my head.

Ahh, here come the butterflies. lovely, just lovely.
*Tears of joy*

I liked the concept of a girl and boy's first kiss the kind of feelings that you have put down in your story seem real and i'm sure everybody's first kiss is a special moment which you have described well just add to the story like giving their reactions for the first time when they saw each other and something special about the two characters that shines through the story!

I could feel the magic and excitment vibrating off of your main charector. I really liked it you did a great job creating the setting and having the charectors drift from reality into their own world.
Just make sure to spell chack it thats the only thing I found wrong with it. Instead of gantle its gentle.
I can't wait so read some of your other works!

Thanks for all your comments. I've taken in what you've all said and I've created a story similar to this one but a lot longer. Hopefully I will post it in the near future. Thanks again for your opinons and tips. It really has helped.

Darren_Shan_Fan wrote:We both walked out of the cinema slowly and I was tryiing to remember that glorious moment as best I could. What moment? Is she trying to remember the walking out of the cinema? If so the tense isn't quite right We both went to the same school, Connor and I, and we both had strong feelings for each other until one day Connor asked me if I wanted to go to the cinema. until that day? Did the feelings die the day he asked her to the cinema? And of course I said yes.

So there we were, both as nervous as two children on their first day of school. We began to walk down the dirty, littered street towards McDonalds. I could tell Connor was trying to pluck up enough courage to hold my hand. After a few fruitless attempts I just clutched his hand in mine. His cheeks turned a subtle pink. He smiled at me gratefully and I smiled back politely, trying not to laugh at his sudden shyness.

Everything was going great until my bag suddenly decided to burp out its contents onto the grimy, grease stained pavement. Connor and I both bent down at the same time and as a result my forehead collided with his nose!

"Ouch!" he cried out.

"Oh my God! I am so so sorry! Here, let me have a look." I pleaded.
I lifted his chin up to see what damage I had caused. Luckily his nose wasn't broken or bleeding. Connor didn't seem angry at me at all, he seemed more amused.

I studied his muscular features and high cheekbones. He was a lot taller than me; my eyes just barely came to his chin. His long dark brown hair swayed in the light summer breeze.

He placed his hand gently on my back and pulled me closer towards him. I looked deep into his gorgeous green eyes this could be much more decriptive.. They were soft and gentle, much like his personality. He placed his lips against mine. Warm. Welcoming. I put my arm around his neck and tilted my head so we could kiss better. My heart seemed to skip a beat and butterflies flew around my stomach. And just like that we were having our first kiss.

First of all, great start. The general adorable love story that we all love and imagine.

First, I suggest you space your stuff out more. I put a few spaces here and there where I thought they were needed. This makes the piece more appealing to the eyes, and easier to read. Also, it's a general "rule" to put spaces between paragraphs.

Next, I suggest you work on your description. This has great potential, but lacks description. You use the normal describing words, like 'warm' and 'gentle' and 'butterflies'. But what does she feel when he kisses her? Static? Heart pounding? [I just noticed that you do describe her feelings to some extent]. What does he smell like? Perhaps even his taste could be added.

If you have any questions feel free to PM me.

Merry Writing!!

~Bella Bambina~

Hey, I really liked this. It was very sweet.

And it had a great concept to it!!

Keep up the good work!!