Pain

broken and shattered
ripped apart at the seams
torn between life and death
lost amongst heaven and hell
just a demon as an angel
simply good as evil
all dark and light
both surrender and fright
trapped behind the invisible wall
stuck in this cage of nothingness
left watching the horrors outside
screaming out loud
screaming to stop this torture
silence coming out
screams mute to all ears
torture raging on
tears rolling down
all light faded to nothing
all but one beam
the bloody red light like a spotlight
that light shining down on him
he lays there
broken and mangled
bleeding on the ground
breath no longer comming from him
love shown with his dying breath
the torture is over
but the pain has just begun
the darkness closing in
his face dissapearing from view
no light to make this bearable
no way to keep the pain away
death refuses to come
eternal suffering takes its place

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I wrote this at school one day without even realizing what i was writing. I looked down and what i had written and this is what was there.

You wrote a whole poem without realizing it? I wish I was the same, it's so darn hard for me to get the words down and look half decent.

Firstly, weclome to YWS! It's a great place to share your work and help other's with their own pieces, so I hope you settle in nicely and have fun.

Ok, the poem. Pain is a well worn topic, but I did like what it had to say. I'd be careful to try and stay away from overly emo language as the sad fact is that you put people off and they tend to not read it. That said, there were some good issues raised.

I liked the form of the poem, as your imagery is quite sharp and your word choice is good in displaying pain. However I didn't feel the pain you were trying to convey. Perhaps it will come with experience, I personally have the view that less is more when it comes to poetry.

Showing instead of telling is another good piece of advice. Who is the person who is feeling the pain? I think you need to make that more clear instead of discribing all manner of awful things that is happening to him.

Punctuation is another thing. It seemed to be non exsistent in this work! Of course, it's a first draft but being professional when displaying your poems is essential and will help get you noticed.

All in all, I think this is first draft material however after time spent editing this it has the potiental to be a insightful poem into one of the most commonly felt emotions, especially in us tragic teenagers!

I'd be happy to read a second draft, so please feel free to PM me.

Best wishes,

Eimear

Hey

Ok. I'll give you an honest critique.

Firstly, I enjoyed reading this. There was good imagery and the words had alot of meaning.

Just a few things I picked up on.

the bloody red light like a spotlight
that light shining down on him

I stumbled over the 'light's. There might be too much repetition here.

Disappearing is spelt like this...also coming.


I agree with Eimear about the showing and punctuation. I'd also like to see capitalization.

And I would recommend not naming your poem 'Pain'. As Eimear said, it is overly used emo language. But the point more so being because of the lack of originality. I am pretty sure I have even written a poem called 'Pain' once.


And you say you wrote this at school and didn't even know what you writing....that's really unique haha. You are obviously a deep person judging from your poem. I really appreciated it.

Keep writing

Peace
Inky

I do the same thing. I just *thinks* I guess you could say poop out words and see what happens.

Great poem! Add some punctuation though! It'd help with flow.

Thanks. I noticed that I made some spelling errors. Accidental. They are right on the paper, I just typed them up wrong and didn't realize it. Woops