Toys

[i]Wrote this last night...late. Not really sure what I was trying to say. Rhythm's off, any suggestions?[/i]

You move like a rag doll
A lost, absent rag doll
Flopping where the stuffing’s gone
Someone didn’t stitch you right.

You move like a music-box girl
A soft, graceful music-box girl
Arm curved carefully, stiff and brittle
Plastic pink tutu and worn out spring

You move like a soldier
A chipped, wooden soldier
One elbow-joint lose, red coat
Not so jaunty when I look again

You move like the rocking horse
The smooth, creaking rocking horse
Dark eyes torn away, glue left behind
Always the rhythm

I feel as though part of your problem with rhythm is steming from your repition of the last words in the first and second lines of each stanza. It makes it sing songy, and this piece strikes me as being too dark to be sing songy. I would recommend either incorporating the description that each of the second lines provides into the first or eliminating the second line all together. I really like the darkness of this piece. It reminds me of an evil Jack in the Box or a Harliquin Clown or some other creepy child's toy.

I, personally, liked the sing songyness lol. I think it fits, even though the poem is somewhat...not so happy, because all the comparisons are toys. I think it plays into the poem very well because it's sort of like a lullaby and you get this nursery feeling. And it really struck me more as sad than as dark. I get more of a gray/blue feeling than a black feeling and in poetry, gray and black are very different colors. The rhythms in the last halves of the stanzas are off, but i'd keep the first halves. The first stanza is my favorite, i think it's a great opening "someone didn't stitch you right" really sets the mood. "music-box girl" doesn't really flow...the box girl part kind of takes the sing songy ness away, and whether or not you keep the sing songyness (lol, galatea i think you've invented a word) it should be consistent. I really think part of the rhythm problem is, lol you're gonna laugh at me, but i really think it has a lot to do with the second adjective in the second line of each stanza. At the end I feel like I'm being left without closure. It just kind of stops abruptly. I could see you keeping the "always the rhythm" and then adding "always..." the something else, or maybe even just "always the rhythm" twice could work playing as an rhythm example itself. mm...i think that's it. I really liked it though and with a little tweaking it could be fantastic, lots of potential here. -penny

I really liked it. Especially how you compared to toys. The details were good, yet very subtle. Just wondering: When you wrote this, what were you comparing? Who is you? Just out of interest...

Thank you'se all! I really was stuck on it and all your comments help. I shall change it soon. "You" started off as my friend, cos I was watching her in Aikido (martial art) class and noticed how limp and awkward she was with the movements. Then I realized it was almost a metaphor for her life. And the other ones...they just sorta appeared. No one in particular. Just...I thought it needed a few more stanzas

To me this poem is original and creative. I don't really like the fact that you're comparing with toys though!
Then again that's where it's original - not many people write poems comparing people with toys!

each of the stanzas were it's own separate work - i was hoping you'd tie them in at the end, but you didn't. perhaps you could consider it? otherwise, the imagery and comparisons were perfect, albeit a little repititious. all in all, all you had to do was unite on the poem...and perhaps delete a couple of redundant words at the beginning of each stanza.