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Lynn wrote:just backstabbed me and rocked my world, or what was left of it
The next day at school; I did my best to look happy but not everything they did I now understood its

Copyright 2008

That's all I saw.

It was quite sad. I would have explained more of what was going on.

(1)
The wind pulled my hair across my face covering my eyes and the tears that rolled down my cheeks.

(This doesn't make any sense to me.)

(2)
To me it was my only sanctuary but now the walls of my world are crumbling as

(Put a comma in front of but)

(3)
I watched 2 of my best friends get closer and closer sitting on the bridge. They did not know I was there, now they were holding hands. It was torture watching my best friend and my boy friend sitting there holding hands unaware that I was there.

(Use the actual word 'two' not the letter.)

(3)
I ran into the surrounding forest sat and sobbed silently anger and sorrow coursed through my veins.

(I ran to the surrounding forest, sat, and sobbed silently. Anger and sorrow coursed through my veins.)

(4)
Knowing that 2 people I trusted the most had just backstabbed me rocked my world, or what was left of it.

(Use 'two'.)

(5)
The next day at school; I did my best to look happy but now everything they did I now understood its meaning, to be closer to each other and farther from me.

(The next day at school; I did my best to look happy. Now I understood the meaning behind everything they did. It was all just so they could be closer together and farther from me.)


Alright, those are just my opinions. You don't have to change it to what I put, but they do need to be changed. It was good. Short, but good.


TNC

The wind pulled my hair across my face[b], covering my eyes and the tears that rolled down my cheeks.[/b]

--coma to seperate them together they just sound wierd

The setting sun casting shadows over the clearing my friends and I played in so often.

--It would be my friends and I. Also you need to rephrase the last part like I did...

We came here as an escape from school, parents, and every day life.

--comas in a series!!

To me it was my only sanctuary, but now the walls of my world were crumbling as I watched two of my best friends get closer and closer, sitting on the bridge.

--comas, are to were, and 2 needs to be two

It was torture watching my best friend and my boy friend sitting there, holding hands, unaware that I was there.

--again...COMAS

I ran into the surrounding forest, sat, and sobbed silently, anger and sorrow coursing through my veins.

--comas, -ed on coursed needs to be changed to -ing

Knowing that [b]two people I trusted the most had ---- backstabbed me, rocked my world, or what was left of it. [/b]

--comas, 2 to two, and take just out...that's why i put the ----

The next day at school, I did my best to look happy but now everything they did I now understood its meaning, to be closer to each other and farther from me.

--coma no semi-colon, I didn't under stand the next bolded part

Fix it and make it longer and then I'll reread it and do this again

~Lulu

The wind pulled my hair across my face covering my eyes and the tears that rolled down my cheeks.

Try to use commas. (The wind pulled my hair across my face, covering my eyes and the tears that rolled down my cheeks). Although that would have been correct, it remains a fairly weak sentence. The verbs "to pull" and "to roll" are bland. I don't want you to change it to this, but it could have been something like "The wind blew my hair into my face, shielding the tears that streamed down my cheeks. Notice I got rid of "covering my eyes" for thats irrelevant in this statement. The only thing the reader care about is what you're doing, and at the moment you're obviously crying because of something. If you could, describe your face. Is it red and puffy? Is it white with fear and shock? Tell us.

The setting sun casting shadows over the clearing that me and my friends so often played in.

Alright. You used to many "ings" in this where they weren't needed. This sentence should have beem "The sun set, casting shadows over the clearing my friends and I played in so often." Notice I used a comma, which you neglect to do in most of your short story. And like I said before, expain the setting. What does the clearing look like; rocky and dirt-covered, or lush and green with a playground nearby?

To me it was my only sanctuary but now the walls of my world are crumbling as I watched 2 of my best friends get closer and closer sitting on the bridge.

"To me, it was my only sanctuary; but now the walls of my world are crumbling, for I watch my two (use the word, not the number) best friends continue to get closer and closer as they sit on the bridge."

Punctuation! PUNCTUATION, PUNCUATION, PUNCUATION! Use commas where there are pauses, and use semi-colons where you continue the second part of a second. This sentence is good, but you have to use puncuation if you want the reader to understand anything you're writing.

They did not know I was there, now they were holding hands. It was torture watching my best friend and my boy friend sitting there holding hands unaware that I was there.

"They didn't know I was there, and now they were holding hands. (You used a comma! Praise the lord!) It was toture as I watched my best friend and my boyfriend sitting on the bridge, holding hands while they were unaware that I was watching."

'Unaware I was there' is vague. Where is there? In the bushes? The forest? Right behind them? At least say what you're doing and where you are.

I ran into the surrounding forest sat and sobbed silently anger and sorrow coursed through my veins. Knowing that 2 people I trusted the most had just backstabbed me rocked my world, or what was left of it.

"I ran into the surrounding forest, sat, and sobbed silently. Anger and sorrow coursed through my veins; knowing that the two (again, the word and not the number) people I trusted the most had just backstabbed me rocked my world, or what was left of it."

I like this line! How you said how your emotions coursed through your veins tells the reader exactly how you're feeling in a clever way. And how you said, "or what we left of it" is quite powerful, believe it or not. I'm not aware of "rocked my world" means, for I was raised where that was a good thing, but, hah, you have a different vocabulary than I. Sadly though, you failed to use some necessary punctuation. That is your real problem, not your writing.

The next day at school; I did my best to look happy but now everything they did I now understood its meaning, to be closer to each other and farther from me.

"The next day at school I did my best to look happy (try to say something like, "I tried to hide my sorrow or sadness or whatever). But now everything they did I now understood its meaning: (they wanted) to be closed to each other and further away from me." You did good with this, but when you finally use a semi-colon, you use it wrong. Hah, you aren't the only one, so don't fret. And you should add to parts like, "I finally understood them when they did this, that and the other. And the meaning was... whatever." Do you see what I mean?

Their every move hurt me cutting me like a knife. The rest of the day I sat alone in a corner crying, bleeding, and dying of the pain they caused me.

Ai, yi yi girl. Is she going gothic now? - Moving on. "Their every move hurt me, cutting into me like a knife (good similie!). The rest of the day I sat alone in a corner, crying, bleeding, and dying of the pain that they have caused me."

Oooh. Powerful ending. And I can see you went a little further with the knife metaphor. And you used most of the punctuation properly! HURRAH! And, myself, I love metaphors like the ones you used, but you should elaborate just a tad. Say things like, "For the remainder of the day I isolated myself from the world as I died inside - crying inside, bleeding inside, for the pain they had caused me was unbearable." You see how much more powerful that is? You're writing is fabulous, don't get me wrong (I'm simply a punctuation freak, as you can see) but you should be more descriptive. You are just so talented! Be more descriptive and more elaborate and the quality of your writing will sky rocket!

When you do write another short story, try to avoid the cliches like this one. Countless people have written stories about broken hearts. If you do like writing about stuff like this, make it longer and give your characters names and such and such. But these first person stories are good, too. Just don't always do them.

Keep Writing!!

Okay, I just copy/pasted this and wrote all my corrections in bold:

The wind pulled my hair across my face covering my eyes and the tears that rolled down my cheeks. The setting sun casting shadows over the clearing that me and my friends so often played in. We came here as an escape from school parents and every day life. To me it was my only sanctuary [comma] but now the walls of my world are crumbling as I watched 2 [should be the word "two"] of my best friends get closer and closer [comma] sitting on the bridge. They did not know I was there, [umm, I think this should be a totally different sentence like: They did not know I was there. Now they are holding hands as I watch. Or something like that.]now they were holding hands. It was torture watching my best friend and my boy friend sitting there holding hands [comma] unaware that I was there. I ran into the surrounding forest sat and sobbed silently [comma] anger and sorrow coursed through my veins. Knowing that 2 [needs to be the word "two" ] people I trusted the most had just backstabbed me rocked my world, or what was left of it.

The next day at school; I did my best to look happy but now everything they did I now understood its meaning, to be closer to each other and farther from me. Their every move hurt me [comma] cutting me like a knife. The rest of the day I sat alone in a corner crying, bleeding, and dying of the pain they caused me.

Very Good

You totally need to lengthen this however. You need to tell us more of the story. It seems to short to really comment on but I did my best!

Hope this helps

thanks a lot for your reading my story I'll work on it a little and make it better!

ambercoultis wrote:

Lynn wrote:just backstabbed me and rocked my world, or what was left of it
The next day at school; I did my best to look happy but not everything they did I now understood its

Copyright 2008

That's all I saw.

It was quite sad. I would have explained more of what was going on.

I believe she was trying to say that Knowing they just backstabbed her rocked her world.

Im not expert but i would wrote "The fact that the two people i trusted most backstabbed just rocked my world, what was left of it anyway"

I got into this quick but it ended to soon for me. Look forward to reading more of your stuff.

ambercoultis wrote:

Lynn wrote:just backstabbed me and rocked my world, or what was left of it
The next day at school; I did my best to look happy but not everything they did I now understood its

Copyright 2008

That's all I saw.

It was quite sad. I would have explained more of what was going on.

I believe she was trying to say that Knowing they just back stabbed her rocked her world.

I'm not expert but i would have wrote "The fact that the two people i trusted most back stabbed me just rocked my world,well, what was left of it anyway"

I got into this quick but it ended to soon for me. Look forward to reading more of your stuff.

stop with the spelling and punctuation i cant spell.