About something

Demmie dearest! Stelz here!

I love your imagery in this poem, it's fantastic.

Tell me about a rose ribbon
in the morning sky

that's my favourite.

Tell me about hot chocolate
with whipped cream

Yum.

Tell me about the running thought
of an animator

I didn't get this one. An animator? Like, somebody who draws cartoons? Am I missing something here?

Tell me about prejudice.

And I didn't get why this was secret...

Overall, I adore your imagery, and though I like your sort of breaking it to them at the end, you do sound a bit presumtuous . Maybe I'm seeing this in the wrong light, but I'm seeing it like this: you're talking to someone who keeps trying to show you these things that they think only they can see, that only they know, but really, you notice them by yourself, you never get the chance to say so though, and it gives them so much joy that you just let them. You listen to them tell you all of this with wide eyes, but inside you're not amazed. That's what I'm getting, and if so, I totally relate.

The last stanza, although lovely in essence, could just use some work on the rhythm of it:

And when you finally give me
the chance to talk,
I'll tell you about
me knowing that already
I'll tell you about
you being not able to awe me
I listened without learning anything new.

Perhaps "me knowing that already" could switch to something less roundabout... "I'll tell you how,
I knew all that already."

or something. I'm not a poet, so go your own way. It's just a little awkward as it is.

Overall I loved it. You have some beautiful images in your mind. *gold starred*

Hope I helped, and PM me if you have any questions,

-Stella.

This is a really lovely poem



Imagery is great, and the theme is very interesting


this is the kind you can curl up in

I've returned =) .

Right, I find that although the flow is lovely, I'm going to contradict myself. We read "about something" over and over again, right through until the end of the poem until which time it has lost it's meaning, and instead of simply reading the poem and absorbing it, we begin to wonder why you want to hear about something beautiful, or silent or whatever. A line could sort that out, but I don't know what line. You decide .

From then on, I'm yet again in awe at your work. And that last stanza seems have been listening to my advice, because it's great. However, I did have an issue with a few other things there--the flow, and the rhythm, seem to just collapse. Perhaps you could compare it to the rest of the poem through a simple act of punctuation. Yes, I think so.

Imagery: Beautiful. The song of raindrops, and the rose ribbon in the sky, made me smile. Lovely. And in fact I suppose you're wondering I'm bothering to create a subsection just to say that. I just think it's not matched up enough. Some lines have great imagery, whereas others are just plain, if you see what I mean.

I'll tell you about
me knowing that already
I'll tell you about
your being not able to awe me
I listened without learning anything new.

Lines 2 & 3 threw me at first, and it detracts from the great flow that the rest of the poem has. When I went back to read it, I understood what you meant, but felt it wasn't there. Try tuning it up a bit.

Again, send it in! Great poem as always, Demeter. =P

Best,
Mark

AKL Super-Ultra-Mega-Giga Awesome Messaging Presents...




"KL's REVIEW"



~~~



Hi, Demi! KL here! I'll be your critic for today!






First off...

If you want to tell me
about something beautiful,
tell me about a rose ribbon
in the morning sky,
tell me about a snowy forest
beneath the stars:
tell me about silence.

A beautifully intriguing start of a poem. The title is as intriguing, too, and I wasn't disappointed when I started to read this. It immediately latched me on, so kudos to you for that.

The imagery is warm, subtle and sweet. Rhythm is consistent and each line flows nicely to the next. Just one teeny nitpick, though... the colon should be removed. A colon isn't really suited to be placed there. Overall, a good opening stanza.

If you want to tell me
about something pleasant,
tell me about woollen socks
with colourful stripes,
tell me about hot chocolate
with whipped cream –
tell me about yourself.

Hot chocolate? Yummm~ This is still exceptional, though; 'woollen' is misspelled. Don't worry, that will be an easy fix. Noticing the hyphen over there, I say you should've done the same with the first stanza; a hyphen should replace the colon.

If you want to tell me
about something secret,
tell me about the relaxing song
of April raindrops,
or about the running thought
of an animator.
Tell me about prejudice.

Hmmm... this stanza is a bit lanky - not technically, I mean, but the imagery has lost its warmth. I think you should replace the word secret with 'undisclosed'. It gives the readers the same meaning, yet it gives the effect of something more thoughtful. Also, this line -

or about the running thought
of an animator.

- this line I couldn't quite grasp. This is something that destroys the bubbly atmosphere that began to build up as I went through the first and second stanzas; this line, to me, seems dry and tasteless. I went, 'Awwww... KL out of happy!'. Now you used a period to separate the last and the second to the last lines (err)... I think it's better to be consistent. Also, prejudice doesn't quite add up to the rest of the previous lines... Somehow, something is quite lacking in this stanza... the warmth, perhaps? Hmm...

Well, let's move on. ^^; I'll think of that later. I'm sorry if I'm being idiotic...

And when you finally give me
the chance to talk,
I'll tell you how
I already know such things.
I'll tell you about
you being unable to awe me –
I listened without learning anything new.

Nice end! I'd say the message is good, but that's an understatement. Also, the title seemed really casual and blithe at first, but as you go through the piece, the real significance of it slowly - and plainly, if we overlook the more complex images - unfolds. Kudos to you for that. All in all, I really liked this poem, and there's nothing much I have left to say besides all this.

Thanks for the good read, Demi!



Lotta loves,



KL

O.o

Wow. Great job. I really love the imagery, the tone and the message of this poem. I was simply blown away after finishing it, and I read it at least 2-3 times all over again. Really...it was a great read.

However, there is one thing (in the first stanza):


tell me about a snowy forest

beneath the stars:

tell me about silence.


I think it should be a semicolon at the end of 'stars,' instead of a colon.

Overall, amazing job. I hope to see more from you soon!
Keep writing, and keep up the good work!

I love the idea of this poem. I appreciate the repetition - it doesn't get old, I can track with it throughout the whole poem. However, the things that you're telling ME about can be better. "Tell me about a rose ribbon in the morning sky" is too easy. "Tell me about a snowy forest beneath the stars" is too easy! But when you suddenly break out with the "Tell me about prejudice" I was relieved. You have the perfect chance to put some great description into this poem. But you NEED to find something to describe that hasn't been thought of by anyone else - or you must, as least, do it the best. Try to one up yourself with your descriptions.

The last stanza is the weakest. Cut at "I already know such things" and see how it sounds. The last three lines just aren't working.

Happy trails and writing spells!

This is from 2008, I'm sure the writer appreciates it. But please don't bump old topics.

*locked*

(Demizzle, if you want it unlocked you can do it )