Hell Remains

this is my first free-verse. some people have recommended i try it, because apparently rhyming, no matter how orderly i try to make it, seems forced to some here on YWS.

oh well. here it is.

oh, and the 'e' sound rhyming was not very intentional.
_____
Get back to the trail.
That's what they tell me.
Remain in the domain of similarity.
Work, but don't be a beneficiary.
Commune with liberty,
abandon barbaricy.
Manifest yourself
in our world.

They were twisted from ideals,
gone rotten,
giving off the stench of power
stolen from the masses.
Look around, friends.
Separate yourself from the herd.
That's what we are.
A herd.

The promise of utopia
always hanging over our heads,
we follow dutifully.

Utopia remains elusive.

Hell remains.

This is pretty good! I liked the part when you said, "Remain in the domain of similarity." It flowed really well. While I read it I could sense the feeling that was put into the words and lines.

I also liked the part when you said, "Look around, friends.
Separate yourself from the herd." Becasue I felt like it connected well with the reader. I felt like you were talking to me personally which was a really nice touch! Awesome job!

The promise of utopia
always hanging over our heads,
we follow dutifully.

Utopia remains elusive.

Hell remains.

I... Loved... That... Ending! And title!

The rythym was very nice. I was tapping my feet to it. I love the topic also. Beautiful word choice as well. Also, you made a connection with the reader.

I honestly didn't find anything wrong. But then again, I'm not very picky!

A+ and a golden star!

thanks for the Golden Star and compliments (especially the compliments).

i'm impressed you understood what it was about. don't tell anyone!

love your sig by the way. the quote is genius...and i thought i was alone in liking cliches!

Wow, words cannot express how much I loved this! You took an idea that's a given but that most people won't really talk about, and you completely brought it out!

I love when people do this! The words, the flow, the ending that made me want to cry anime tears of joy, all very good! Yay for you!

Cheers!

~ Eden

Yay! More negativity for me to fee on! Erm, not that that's a bad thing...*sweat drop*...I loved the message you sent out...A big thing I got out of this was that you shoul be your own individual, not sure if that was what you were gon' for but, that's still good, right?

Death

oneeyedunicornhunter,


First, who is the intended audience for this? I got no clear sense of who you are writing this for from the language itself--it seems mostly like a personal rant against...against what, exactly? It's never pointed out, thus alienating any potential audience even further.

Further, all that comes before the last two lines is superfluous. You should abstain from generalizations--i.e., "that's what they tell me," "commune with liberty, / abandon barbaricy," (aside: barbaricy isn't a word), etc. are all highly abstract phrases which are pretty boring--because they make your target audience even more ambiguous and less reachable. If this was a poem about America, then you could speak to American life, indulge us in details that exemplify the "barbaricy (sic)" of American life, the "liberty" of it, and so on.

When someone says, "Those were the good old days," for someone not from the good old days, this means...what, exactly? It means nothing. They might ask, "So what was good about them?" and the person might respond, "Well, I don't know...we had fun back then." And you'll say, "What kind of fun?" and they'll respond, "Oh, you know, family picnics and holidays." You might further ask them what was fun about family picnics and holidays, and finally they might say, "Well, OK...I remember the time when my Aunt Mae used termite powder in a layer cake, thinking it was sugar." That's when the story gets interesting.

So often in daily life we don't bother to pay attention to details, so it's easy to not do it in poetry. But you see, as with the above example, the danger in generalizations is that they never reveal anything about the subject. Details are the heart of a poem--and yours has none.


Best,
Brad

Hmm... this seems too vague and the use of big or strong words, only states 'look at me, look at me'. They don't fit the tone of the poem. You're telling us about something but about what I've no clue. Bit of advice, almost never write poreaching poems. They seem weak and contrived. Also this is so cliche, it brings nothing new to the whole genre. Really if your using a theme been told over and over again, instead try to be original.

Overall: Brad said it best, this just is too vague and tell the truth it's a very cliche peice.

Good luck
VSN