Illusion

Illusion


When Jenny was a child she planned to
visit the clouds. She was going to seat her self on
an aeroplane and fly up above. She would jump
from a window and land on her lofty haven. The cloud would be
bouncy and she would jump very high up, the air whipping
her hair. And she would play amongst the stars.
And if Jenny got tired she’d lay back on her silver cloud,
looking up at the moon. If she got hungry she’d
tear a piece of the cloud and let it melt on her tongue.



Would it taste like cotton candy?



But when Jenny got older and went to school, her teacher
told her clouds were an illusion. Jenny’s dreams shattered around
her with an ear splitting crash. But sometimes, Jenny still lies back,
and looks at the carefree clouds and dreams that she’ll bring back
a piece of a cloud in a cup and prove to her teacher that
Clouds are real.

The weird spaces between your lines make this annoying to read, but I'm sure it is just a formatting error. ^_^

She was going to seat [s]her self[/s] herself on

This didn't flow much, and instead was choppy. Your enjambments (ending in the middle of a line rather than at the end) were also strange. I think my biggest problem is simply that: it didn't flow. Try reading it outloud.

Also, you're just doing a whole lot of telling. What can you show us? And what do you want us to feel, to think? The idea is somewhat cute, but for a poem, it is lacking true quality. Some of it is just from the strange way it is written, for example:

The cloud would be
bouncy and she would jump very high up, the air whipping
her hair. And she would play amongst the stars.
And if Jenny got tired she’d lay back on her silver cloud,
and look up at the moon. And if she got hungry she’d
tear a piece of the cloud and let it melt on her tongue.

All of the "and"s you use here, especially those that start sentences, makes this feel like a run on sentence, except there are periods in places. If you cut out the ands you would get something like; "If Jenny got tired she'd lay back on her silver cloud, and look up at the moon." But even this is a really boring line. Poetry isn't just about telling a story in verse. Poetry has power behind it.

I suggest you read some poetry and see how it all builds together. Words (for the most part! This isn't all poetry I speak of) are more than words, and the poem will often have a theme or a symbol in it. It's hard to write poetry, but it gets easier if you understand how other people do it first, before you start trying to write your own. (It helped me, a lot!)

Thanks Suzanne! The thing is I was trying to experiment with a new style. Usually my poetry doesn't look like this. I just recently read a poem like this and I just adored the style. I tried to incorporate it into my poem but I see I didn't do too much of a good job.
But I totally see what you mean. When I was posting this poem, I knew there was something wrong with it. I was just having a problem pin pointing the problem... So thanks again.

Well, Suzanne said it all, so there's not much for me to say anymore.

It was a cute and simple kind of poem. But actually I have to say it didn't really sound like a poem, maybe that's partly because the telling way of it.

And Jenny, don't eat clouds, they're freezing. They don't taste like cotton candy. (But how can I know? I've never tasted clouds. Maybe I just lack the imagination like Jenny's teacher. You never know.)

I'll be glad to read some more stuff by you, mizz!

This is indeed cute but seems more like a summary for a kids story than a poem. It's a very child-like idea. But you do an awful of telling making it more like a summary than a poem. You could do this without telling and make it beautiful but cute just keep the spacing correct and work on showing not telling.

Overall: It's a summary.

Good luck
VSN

very good poem about childhood memory
kinda choppy like the guy before me
but i do it alot to
keep posting

yeah, everything was covered before. it's childish, but childhood is important! childhood is the best part of life. everything is a mystery, learning is easy and fun, there are no responsibilities, and even if you all consider 'childish' to be an insult or a flaw, i consider it a compliment. it takes a special kind of poet to go back to his/her childhood and embrace it.

(special as in someone who isn't afraid of what other people think! )