God of the Underworld: Chapter 1: (revised)

When I woke up in the morning, I thought it was just another ordinary day. You know, wake up, eat breakfast, go to school, get picked on all day, and go back home. Everybody hates me or makes fun of me for something I did in third grade! All I did was pick my nose and eat it, but come on I was in third grade! That is the life of a 15-year-old kid in high school. I only have one friend, and his name is Mr. Rodgers. He is my next-door neighbor. He also owns the local bowling ally. After school I always love to go over to the bowling ally to talk to him, and he lets me play a free game or two. Well anyway, I was wrong. It was much more. It was not just another ordinary day at school. When I got downstairs, my mom was not there. She is looking for a job right now, so she would leave a note if she would be somewere. She is also over protective. She is always, and I mean ALWAYS, at home when I wake up.

The kitchen was all wrecked, and some of the kitchen knives were missing. I knew something was wrong.I instantly got worried, and didn’t eat breakfast. I ran outside as fast as I could, and got my bike and started looking for her. I had two hours to find my mom. I rode my bike to school, and on my way there, I found one of my mom’s shoes. Then I got really worried. I started panicking, and put the shoe in my backpack keeping my eyes open for any other sign of her. When I got to school, I locked up my bike, took a deep breath, and went in. On the way to my locker, I got shoved by one of the jocks on the football team. He said that my life was stupid and retarded. He also said that I was inactive, and didn’t like anyone or anything. Out of anger, I punshed him in the stomach and ran off down the hall. That was not true. I was on the Track and Field team, and I also had a friend. Mr. Rodgers was the one that recommended that I join the Track and Field team, so I did.

When I got out to my bike, I found that it was gone. And in red spray paint, was written “Jimmy Riddick Sucks!!!” Oh By the way, if you haven’t found out yet, my name is Jimmy Riddick. Well I had to walk home from school, and right by the bowling ally, I found my bike lying on the sidewalk. When I went to pick it up, half of the football team jumped out of the bushes and started to beat me up. They all piled up on me, and then… an explosion just came from nowhere. When I stood up, I saw the football team scattered all along the street, and Mr. Rodgers standing over me. He sounded worried, and asked what had happened. I said I had no clue, I just felt anger and all of a sudden, the explosion happend. Then I started back off for home thinking about what had happend today.

When I left Mr. Rodgers, I took the back ally to my house to avoid trouble. When I got back there, I heard footsteps behind me. When I looked behind myself, there were two creatures standing there. I got scared instantly, and took off, but when I turned around again, I saw five more creatures behind me. Then all of a sudden, there were thousand of creatures around me, and hovering in the air.

And then I saw it, what looked to be the king of all the creatures. He reminded me of a demon. He came up from the ground with jet-black horns coming out of his head, a bright red hide that could blind a man, blood red eyes, and fire spikes coming out of his back. And his voice was like nails scraping across a chalkboard. “Jimmy Riddick,” he said. “I am the God of the Underworld, and you shall be my servant!”

nice story. i liked it. but there are some things i would like to address, such as:

Mr. Rodgers - whaaaaaaaaaat!? isnt he the guy with that little kid show? well ok, if you insist

Jimmy Riddick - you mean like in the Chronicles of Riddick? Is that where you got his last name?

you need to be more original with your character names. Also, the end part with "the God of the Underworld" and all the demons, came too early in my opinion. dont rush your story! just take it nice and slow. add some more discription. make me feel like im acctually there.

overall, it is a bit rough around the edges and you need more discription, but if you improve on those things, you'll be fine and I really like the plot so far.

so yeah.......well i look forward to see how the rest turns out. l8r

Riddick wrote:When I woke up in the morning, I thought it was just another ordinary day. You know, wake up, eat breakfast, go to school, get picked on all day, and go back home. That is the life of a 15-year-old kid in high school. I only have one fried and his name is Mr. Rodgers. He is my next-door neighbor. He also owns the local bowling ally. After school I always love to go over to the bowling ally to talk to him, and he lets me play a free game or two. Well anyway, I was wrong. It was not just another ordinary day at school.

I don't get it - you say in the beginning you that that it was just "any other ordinary day", but at the end you say "I was wrong it was just another ordinary day at school.

When I got downstairs, my mom was not there. She is always, and I mean ALWAYS, at home when I wake up. She told me to worry if she was not there, or she left a note.

I don't understand this. No mother tells their children to "worry if she was not there". They usually just go, "I'll be back soon, - there's some leftover lasagna in the fridge if I get home late!"

I instantly got worried, and didn’t eat breakfast. I rode my bike to school, and on my way there, I found one of my mom’s shoes. Then I got really worried. I started panicking, and put the shoe in my backpack. When I got to school, I locked up my bike, took a deep breath, and went in. Sadly the school bully was there waiting for me, and I knew what he wanted was my lunch money. I had to give it to him, and he went on his way. Then on the way to my locker, I got shoved by one of the jocks on the football team. He said that my life was stupid and retarded. He also said that I was inactive, and didn’t like anyone or anything. That was not true. I was on the Track and Field team, and I also had a friend. Mr. Rodgers was the one that recommended that I join the Track and Field team, so I did.

This just seems so...fake the way you write it. You pose three challenges for your characters and you show no reaction whatsoever. You just say I found my mom's shoe, I worried. School bully took my lunch money. Jock says his life is pointless, he just has thoughts on how this isn't true. Show us these scenes and show us your character's reaction!

When I got out to my bike, I found that it was gone. And in red spray paint, was written “Jimmy Riddick Sucks!!!” Oh By the way, if you haven’t found out yet, my name is Jimmy Riddick. Well I had to walk home from school, and right by the bowling ally, I found my bike lying on the sidewalk. When I went to pick it up, half of the football team jumped out of the bushes and started to beat me up. They all piled up on me, and then… an explosion just came from nowhere. When I stood up, I saw the football team scattered all along the street, and Mr. Rodgers standing over me. He asked what had happened, and I said I had no clue. Then I started back off for home.

Several things wrong here. First off the whole bicycle-stealing thing. It is plausible for people to take someone's bike while their at school (this actually happened at my elementary school before) but to go all out and write "Jimmy Riddick Sucks!" in spray paint...that's really pushing it. If your going to steal a bike on school property you have to go fast. Then your character's reaction...more on that later. Then the whole explosion of football players and Mr. Rodgers sudden appearance - Riddick does nothing [i]nothing[i/i] at all. He just goes on his way. Very unbelievable.

When I left Mr. Rodgers, I took the back ally to my house to avoid trouble. When I got back there, I heard footsteps behind me. When I looked behind myself, there were two creatures standing there. I got scared instantly, and took off, but when I turned around again, I saw five more creatures behind me. Then all of a sudden, there were thousand of creatures around me, and hovering in the air.

Show us the fear. "I got scared instantly" isn't enough.

II. CHARACTERS

There are several things wrong with the protagonist. He reacts to absolutely nothing. His mom isn't home, he doesn't eat breakfast. He finds his mom shoe on the shoe, he's scared. Bully asks for his lunch money, he gives it to him. Jock says his life sucks, he does nothing. He gets his bike stolen and beaten up by the jocks that stole it and they all "explode" off of him and Mr. Rodgers suddenly appears...he goes on his way? What? This makes no sense. Show us some reactions - it will make the situations much more real.

Then the other thing - all these people hate Riddick. Why? Does he have funny hair? Funny clothes? Does he smell bad? Why? In a story you always need a motivation behind the bullying. It can't be "Just 'cause..."

Re-review...

Riddick wrote:When I woke up in the morning, I thought it was just another ordinary day. You know, wake up, eat breakfast, go to school, get picked on all day, and go back home. Everybody hates me or makes fun of me for something I did in third grade! All I did was pick my nose and eat it, but come on I was in third grade! That is the life of a 15-year-old kid in high school. I only have one friend, and his name is Mr. Rodgers. He is my next-door neighbor. He also owns the local bowling ally. After school I always love to go over to the bowling ally to talk to him, and he lets me play a free game or two. Well anyway, I was wrong. It was much more. It was not just another ordinary day at school. When I got downstairs, my mom was not there. She is looking for a job right now, so she would leave a note if she would be somewere. She is also over protective. She is always, and I mean ALWAYS, at home when I wake up.

Still unbelievable. Once you get in high school no one picks on you for picking your nose in third grade - we actually laugh about that stuff.

The kitchen was all wrecked, and some of the kitchen knives were missing. I knew something was wrong.I instantly got worried, and didn’t eat breakfast. I ran outside as fast as I could, and got my bike and started looking for her. I had two hours to find my mom. I rode my bike to school, and on my way there, I found one of my mom’s shoes. Then I got really worried. I started panicking, and put the shoe in my backpack keeping my eyes open for any other sign of her. When I got to school, I locked up my bike, took a deep breath, and went in. On the way to my locker, I got shoved by one of the jocks on the football team. He said that my life was stupid and retarded. He also said that I was inactive, and didn’t like anyone or anything. Out of anger, I punshed him in the stomach and ran off down the hall. That was not true. I was on the Track and Field team, and I also had a friend. Mr. Rodgers was the one that recommended that I join the Track and Field team, so I did.

Still unbelievable. Think of it this way. If your mom was missing, the kitchen was a wreck, the knives were missing, AND you find her shoe in the road would you still go to school? Most like no. You'd call the police.

When I got out to my bike, I found that it was gone. And in red spray paint, was written “Jimmy Riddick Sucks!!!” Oh By the way, if you haven’t found out yet, my name is Jimmy Riddick. Well I had to walk home from school, and right by the bowling ally, I found my bike lying on the sidewalk. When I went to pick it up, half of the football team jumped out of the bushes and started to beat me up. They all piled up on me, and then… an explosion just came from nowhere. When I stood up, I saw the football team scattered all along the street, and Mr. Rodgers standing over me. He sounded worried, and asked what had happened. I said I had no clue, I just felt anger and all of a sudden, the explosion happend. Then I started back off for home thinking about what had happend today.

Same as last review for everything else.

It seems really good, but you might want to go over it again.You have some spelling errors and stuff like that happening. Keep writing!

Hello! I’m Jordan. How are you?

Now that we know each other, I can help you out a bit.

The first thing I noticed was a whole lot of info-dumping in this piece. Info-dumping is not as great as it sounds, in fact it’s bad. You bombard your readers with way to much information, way too quickly! Slow down, take some time to describe things, and try to show, not tell. It seems you rushed through the whole beginning just to get to the end.

This could defiantly develop into a great story, but take your time to make it so. You have squished about three chapters of information into five paragraphs!

Spread it out, and once again, slow it down. It will be great if you do!

Some things that could help are, adding description. We have no idea what Jimmy’s surroundings look like, or how it feels to be their. Describe the places, is Jimmy’s house big? Is it small? Does the carpet remind him of fluffy bunnies? Describe the feelings, Jimmy gets scared. So what does getting scared feel like? His muscles tighten and breath becomes shallow? Describe it!

You could add dialog. The only real dialog in this whole piece is at the end, when the king of the underworld yells at Jimmy. The rest of the time it’s just Jimmy noting that this person said this. Stretch it out; give your characters actual voices!

I hope this helped you out, and I hope that you continue to write, because you can turn this into something great!

Um....your story plot is actually very good. But I do have to say there is not enough description in your story. If you put more emotion and if you really describe everything that is going on in each scene then your story will be amazing. If you really work on your story I could get sucked in!

Thank You everybody! Don't be afraid to give me the full scoop on something. Dose it SUCK? Dose it ROCK? You tell me! Keep leaving your comments!

While there are grammer mistakes in this part, others already addressed them, so I'm going to review the basic story plot. Well, somethings are a bit...boring. Not as a whole, but in the way the character tells the reader about them. Plus, it seems as if he just wants to say it, just to get it out the way so he won't have to do it later. That's never a good thing. It's rushing.

Also, I kinda doubt someone would make fun of you picking your nose when it was a long time ago. If someone can remember something that odd, then they may be a bit weird themselves.