xXxxKareenAxxXx

Kareena swished her long violent purple hair out of her eyes and pulled down the curtains in her room. She squinted as the blinding sun beat down on her as she tried to spot something in the distance. She opened her window and let the light shine down on her floor. 'Every thing's broken, there's no way around, it's so hard to smile, when you bring me down..' The sound of her phone going off made her jump a little as she climbed down from her window sill. She looked down at the caller id, which read 'Travis' and pressed the ignore button. Sighing she sat down on her bed. Nothing had been normal for her since the 6th four months ago. Not that she was keeping track or anything..
Exactly four months and five days ago her boyfriend (who, of course, said he'd always be there) up and left out of no where. No note. No phone call. No contact of any kind. Until a week ago. She had been sitting on her bed (which she had been doing a lot of) when she heard a tap at the window. When she got up and opened her ivy-covered window her sister, Brooke, crawled in spilling blood all over her cream colored carpet.
"What happened to you?" Kareena asked her, staring at a nasty gash in particular on her forehead.
"Nothing, you don't need to know." She had said, glancing around. "I have a message from Travis."
"Travis? Where is he?" Kareena inquired, fully alert now.
"I'm sorry, I can't say. All I can tell you is the message." And an awkward silence followed Brooke's words.
"Well, what is it?" Kareena asked, breaking the silence.
Brooke cleared her throat.
"I love you. Don't drink the water."
A long pause followed this and then finally Kareena said, "That's it? Are you kidding me? Four fucking months and all I get is a freaking 'Don't drink the water'. That little piece of-"
"Don't blame him. Or me, for that matter, it's all he's allowed to say. I want you to go to sleep, and think about his message, okay?"
"But.."
"Do it." Brooke ordered, as she climbed back out Kareena's window and disappeared.
"Fine." Kareena replied. "But I don't remember signing up to be the bitch in this relationship."
"Go to sleep.." Kareena mumbled angrily, "It's four in the afternoon!"
-----

To be continued, tell me what you think so far.

Confusing. Very very confusing.

Book_Worm_113 wrote:Kareena swished her long, violent purple hair out of her eyes and pulled down the curtains in her room. She squinted as the blinding sun beat down on her as she tried to spot something in the distance. She opened her window and let the light shine down on her floor. 'Every thing's broken, there's no way around, it's so hard to smile, when you bring me down..' The sound of her phone going off made her jump a little as she climbed down from her window sill. She looked down at the caller ID, which read 'Travis' and pressed the ignore button. Sighing she sat down on her bed. Nothing had been normal for her since the sixth of four months ago. Not that she was keeping track or anything..

"What happened to you?" Kareena asked her, staring at a nasty gash in particular on her forehead.

Take out "in particular".

"I'm sorry, I can't say. All I can tell you is the message." And an awkward silence followed Brooke's words.

Try not to start sentences with "and"

II. OVERALL IMPRESSION

I thought this was pretty interesting, but unbelievable. If my sister crawled into my bedroom window at four o' clock in the morning with a wound on her head and told me that "cryptic message" I'd question how hard she hit herself and try to help her get better. However, I don't know your character's relationship with their sister - and I really think you should flesh it out. Is her sister the type to get in fights and coming into her room with a wound is normal? We as readers don't know. Also, with her boyfriend, it would be nice if you expanded earlier on what their relationship was like when they were together and how she changed after he left.

Well, is this the prologue? If so I think it would be a bit too revealing. If it's the first chapter I think you should add more.
I think this would make a good story but I need more detail first.
Keep writing.

~Rachael

Hey there Book worm!

I'll first point out some things and then give you my over all opinion.

Kareena swished her long violent purple hair out of her eyes and pulled down the curtains in her room.

Do you mean 'violet' or 'violent'?
If the first; you've spelled it wrong and you already go on to call it purple so it seems unnecessary.

If you meant 'violent', I'm am afraid I don't quite get you.

She squinted as the blinding sun beat down on her as she tried to spot something in the distance. She opened her window and let the light shine down on her floor. 'Every thing's broken, there's no way around, it's so hard to smile, when you bring me down..' The sound of her phone going off made her jump a little as she climbed down from her window sill.

This paragraph was extremely confusing. And the part in bold, is she singing that? Is saying that? Thinking it? Is that the ring tone of her phone? It just appeared all of a sudden and didn't go along with the rest of the paragraph.

And please stop with the parenthesis, it just makes your story more confusing. If it's worth saying, you can say it out of the parenthesis.

She had been sitting on her bed (which she had been doing a lot of) when she heard a tap at the window. When she got up and opened her ivy-covered window her sister, Brooke, crawled in spilling blood all over her cream colored carpet.
"What happened to you?" Kareena asked her, staring at a nasty gash in particular on her forehead.
"Nothing, you don't need to know." She had said, glancing around. "I have a message from Travis."
"Travis? Where is he?" Kareena inquired, fully alert now.

Ok first off we need more emotions here. We need more feelings. Show us Kareena and Brooke's facial expressions so we can more of an 'essence' of the moment. (does that make sense?) And Kareena seems too calm for what your describing. I know if my sister climbed in through our window--not the door-- with a bloody gash on her forehead, I'd be out of my mind and fully alert right away. So at the end where you explain that Kareena is fully alert once Travis's name is brought up, I thought that was silly. Why is she alert now? Why doesn't her sister's weird appearance bother her? If it does, show us that.

"Do it." Brooke ordered, as she climbed back out Kareena's window and disappeared.

Can you explain to us why Booke is entering and exiting through the window. I think Kareena should have a door to her house. And again it really bugged me why Kareena wasn't worried about her sister at all.

Over All Impression


Overall I think the plot is very interesting and you've managed to hook your reader. But (there's always a but) you need to show us more emotions and explain a lot of stuff that you have left out here. I feel as if you've got the whole story, characterization, setting, emotions, descriptions all in your mind, but you're not writing them along as you go along. I feel as if you've written this more for yourself than for a reader because I feel shut out from a lot of feelings in this piece. And that makes it all confusing.

So I believe this has potential but you just need to see if you can rewrite this with more descriptions and emotions.

Good Luck!

I was really lost in this. It was a good start...but confusing. I would suggest spacing outyour paragraphs so it's easier to read.

Jamie