In your poem. I think you can say so much more with so much less. I would advise first by clarifying a few issues.
first, look at perfect. next look at "past her peak"
Next, it appears like you're trying to rhyme but it's not working since it's kind of out of order.
i would loosen up on rhyme. Not all poetry has to rhyme.
Your first line rhymes within the line which is cool. "Glance with chance" I like that.
The last four lines of the stanza rhyme as well. "cheeks, peak, quiet, it"
The three before it don't so much so it kind of ruins the flow.
The next stanza has a cool line "a james dean, mellow"
the line after that is kind of long and vague, for such a concrete poem. You could probably even delete it.
it could work without it and make the rhyme flow much better. "yellow, mellow, fault, halt" That works fine.
I would also like to point out the lines from the Moldy Peaches song are written in both metered and rhyme. You could try that. Count out the syllables in each of her lines and you'll see a pattern to emulate perhaps?
This poem lacks something, you seem to tell too much. It seems all well and good but you don't show us the feeling and with that the ending is kinda weak, it's just a series of questions which make this seem emo-like or 'poor me'
You've got to remember to impact in poetry you need to make the readers feel. By just telling us about him. It doesn't do anything much at all.
Overall: It's got merit in some of it like the use of James Dean, but you need to now think like how to make the readers feel this and not make it seem like a story or if a story how to keep them interested. Hope this helps.
Good luck
VSN
We get off to the rhythm of the trigger and destruction. Fallujah to New Orleans with impunity to kill. We are the hidden fist of the free market.
We are the ink, we are the quill.
[The Ink And The Quill (Be Afraid) - Anti-Flag]
